Is Your Profession Half Empty Or Half Full?

Someone copied me on an e-mail that had a tag at the bottom which read:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

So I thought, "Why not try that for a few more job titles?" So, write your own joke using your own profession as a starting point. I'll get things rolling in the comments.

Joyce: The Results

Sorry for the delay. We've had AC issues to deal with for the last couple of weeks.

Anyway, my votes have been tabulated and here are the results:



First Place:
Histor the Wise with "Hi, Niece!"

Totally innocuous. Possibly the worst title for a song ever. And as it happens the funniest, least obvious, most original entry of the bunch. The exclamation point at first disappointed me; like it was trying to hard. But now I think that Joyce uses exclamation points the way she dots a letter "i" with a heart; there just isn't anything behind it.

Flawless. Score = 100

Second Place:
Jeremy Frye with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Joyce.

The beauty here is that the "Joyce" in the title gets a bump from "Rosemary" which, contrary to it's original context, takes the form of another woman's name. Two women's names that are equally out of popularity right now. All that could change with a well-timed supermodel or pornstar: Nikki Joyce anyone? (I couldn't help myself and I searched for women named Joyce that like to take their clothes off. A Joyce De Troch took her clothes off for the Belgian version of Playboy in 1997. What's that? You haven't heard of her? Still asking 'What's in a name'?)

Minus ten points for making my idea of "Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Joyce Ltd." look stupid. Score = 90

Third Place:
chosen©er with "Tootsie 2: It Might Be You (REMIX)"

I didn't find this one as funny as true. One of my suggestions called to mind Gabe Kaplan, but Joyce really does look like Dustin Hoffman in drag. Sorry, Joyce. There's no denying the truth. And as long as we're being honest...who decided to put her on the cover? Did they think that picture would sell records?

Minus fifteen points for being so mean to Joyce. Score: 85

Honorable Mention:
Helen the Greek with "Dark Side of the Moon"

As I noted in the comments, I had considered this one as well. I don't know why it struck me as so funny. Maybe it's that I imagined Joyce doing her version of Dark Side and me listening to it while I synced it with The Wizard Of Oz. And all of that sans medicine. You don't need it when you have Joyce singing, "the lunatic is on the grass."

Minus seventeen points for being on my wavelength. Score = 83

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "Come And Knock At My Door"

I like having Boom Boom in the room. She's funny and she knows how to put up with crap from me and chosen©er. So here goes.

Minus twenty points because it's "Come And Knock ON My Door." Who's knocking at the door to a first, second, or third place finish? Don't answer it. We're leaving her on the porch with an honorable mention. Score = 80

Honorable Mention:
Mr. Doob with "A Night At The Opera"

I would pay serious money to hear her version of Death On Two Legs.

Score = 76.5

Here's what I thought the cover might have looked like. (Album and song titles don't reflect actual winners of competition. Some settlement during shipping may have occured as product is packaged by weight.)

Let The Voting Begin

Well, it seems there are no more suggestions flowing in. I didn't want to shut this down until Jeremy chimed in and I'm glad I waited.

There were a lot of funny submissions...but only one can win. So let me formally close the contest and start the voting. Voting will be open until the one I like gets the most votes.