Insert Joke Here (See What I Did There?)

Someone just won the Internet with the story above. Oh, how I wish I was on the apparatus that responded to this. I've heard some great "what happened was" stories in my years on the job, but this one must have taken the cake. 

Anyway, there's something missing from the story: the kind of cookies. So, I ask you: What kind of cookies were they?

AP News Headline Contest

The last photo caption contest went nowhere, so let's try something a little different. Let's suppose that this headline is incomplete. Woman with no pilot experience crash lands plane ______.

Let the commenting begin.

Photo Caption Contest

Since I've officially started this whole endeavor again, why not revisit one of my favorite blog activities?

The guy in this picture isn't making that face because of the strain of what he is about to lift. Nope, he's making that face because he just saw something. What is he screaming because of it?

And if you're needing inspiration, you can click on the "Photo Caption Contest" tag at the bottom of this post. That will pull up all the previous contests. You guys were very funny in the past. Keep it up.

Photo Caption Contest

So, it's been a really long time since we've done one of these. Hell, it's been a really long time since I've posted anything to this blog. So maybe we'll make this one pretty easy.

Here's your assignment: Write a caption for this photo as it would appear in Lifestyle section of the newspaper. The only restriction being to play nice since I found this in a friend's Facebook photos.

Photo Caption Contest

It's been a while since we've had one of these. So, here it is.

The rules? Give a caption for what this guy is thinking to himself right now.

Photo Caption Contest - The Results Show

Okay, okay. So I never judged the results from the photo contest back in October 2007. Let the fury and vitriol gush forth aplenty.


This was probably the most unsuccessful of these things that I've hosted. I don't know if it was the picture or the rules that I placed on it. Anyway, for better or worse, here goes:

First Place
Wm. for "Give me one good reason why you're keeping that mustache."

It seems to be my refrain when judging these things; it was far from obvious and I surprised myself with it. It still strikes me as funny. Like this couple would be having a discussion about his grooming habits while floating down the street with a door full of beer. I don't know.

Minus 55 points for giving yourself First Place. Score = 45 points.


Second Place
Jeremy Frye for "The North American Redneck (Bocephi Earhardticus)..."

Jeremy actually followed the rules for this one and unlike the other entries (mine included) it's not bad. I do like this particular phrase: "Efficiency is key, and shirts have been rendered vestigial, at best, amongst females, and evolutionarily jettisoned entirely by males." There's an economy in word choice here that is very true to the idea of the encyclopedia entry concept.

Minus fifty eight points for making me look up "vestigial" yet again. Score = 42

Third Place
Paula for "One kitchen door: $15. Bride price of your uncle's niece: $50. Floating beer and a babe: priceless."

Not bad. The concept has been overdone as a corruption of the original and for me now ranks with the "been there, done that" saying. Still, "Bride price" is a funny phrase not to mention the use of the word "babe" to describe the woman in the picture. She's a catch alright.

Minus sixty three points for waiting so frikkin' long to participate in one of these. And this isn't my only way of communicating. Score = 37

Honorable Mention
Everyone that tried. Really. This one was difficult. I blame the people in the picture, because it can't be my fault. It never is.




First Place
Mr. Doob for "8:30 Blossom (NBC) On a Very Special Episode, Blossom befriends a popular cheerleader at school only to discover the girl's dark secret. The growing teen issue of 'Sharking' is brought to light and Blossom faces a peer pressure as never before. Special appearances by Nancy Reagan, Mr. T and Roy Scheider."

I have to give it to this one for the intentionally mismatched choice of guest stars. You always knew when you watched this kind of television that the guest stars weren't who they wanted but who they could afford to get. I tried this concept when I invoked the ghost of Willie Aames' career, but the "smattering" strategy works much better.

Minus eight points for using a really, really bad show. Score = 92

Second Place
Chosen©er for "Shark. Tonight, James Woods (Shark) heads to court against Shark (not James Woods). Use of staccato dialogue delivery will make you think something is interesting when it's really not. At all."

The multiple uses of the word shark for comic effect reminds me of the Smothers Brothers routine "You Didn't Come In" where Dick accuses Tommy of being stupid for not being stupid. Well, you'll just have to trust me; it's funny. Also the commentary on shows like this using techniques such as staccato dialogue to hide the fact that the show isn't really compelling hits home.

Minus twenty points for taking twelve days to come up with an entry. Score = 80

Third Place
Jeremy Frye for "Saved By The Bell Sat. 11:00 a.m. (NBC) In order to get tickets to the sold-out Bobby Brown concert, Zach Morris must take the local radio DJ's horribly disfigured daughter as his date. Initially repulsed, Morris learns that even ugly girls with superfluous shark-like appendages are people, too."

I like this one for the phrase "superfluous shark-like appendages." That's it.

Minus thirty three points because I like the sound of the phrase "thirty three". Score = 67

Honorable Mention
Wm for "9:30 Three's Company: The College Years. While completing community service in the school infirmary, Jack passes himself off as a Doctor to impress student Holly and is forced to perform a shark-ectomy when Holly's boyfriend shows up. Jack falls down."

After writing this one I got confused and couldn't remember if this was a real episode of Three's Company or not. You know, I never could understand the sex appeal of any of that show's stars.

Minus fifty one points for making Jack fall down one more time. Score = 49

Photo Caption Contest: When Television Was Really Really Really Awful

I Googled the word "damaged" and this photo came up as one of the first returns in their image database. It is apparently from Episode 225 of ER which originally aired in 2004. And, yes, that's a shark on someone's leg.

I've had a problem with that show for a long time. For me, ER "jumped the shark" not long after its inception. But if there was any doubt left for you, this picture should take care of that.

So here's the assignment: You know those little blurbs about episodes of shows in TV Guide? Well, write one of those for this picture. It can be for any show, real or imaginary.

Photo Caption Contest

Well it's been some time since we did one of these, but good pictures are hard to come by. This one speaks volumes. Yes, that's beer, some soda, a thing of mustard, and some paper towels.

This assignment is reference based: Imagine this picture is in an encyclopedia or a dictionary. For those of you with Brittanica on the brain write a caption worthy of an encyclopedia for it. For those of you who pine for Daniel Webster the picture is an adjunct to an entry; you provide the definition.

Or you can just write whatever.

Also click on the "Photo Caption Contest" label at the bottom of this post to revisit some of the previous contests. You guys are pretty funny.

Joyce: The Results

Sorry for the delay. We've had AC issues to deal with for the last couple of weeks.

Anyway, my votes have been tabulated and here are the results:



First Place:
Histor the Wise with "Hi, Niece!"

Totally innocuous. Possibly the worst title for a song ever. And as it happens the funniest, least obvious, most original entry of the bunch. The exclamation point at first disappointed me; like it was trying to hard. But now I think that Joyce uses exclamation points the way she dots a letter "i" with a heart; there just isn't anything behind it.

Flawless. Score = 100

Second Place:
Jeremy Frye with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Joyce.

The beauty here is that the "Joyce" in the title gets a bump from "Rosemary" which, contrary to it's original context, takes the form of another woman's name. Two women's names that are equally out of popularity right now. All that could change with a well-timed supermodel or pornstar: Nikki Joyce anyone? (I couldn't help myself and I searched for women named Joyce that like to take their clothes off. A Joyce De Troch took her clothes off for the Belgian version of Playboy in 1997. What's that? You haven't heard of her? Still asking 'What's in a name'?)

Minus ten points for making my idea of "Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Joyce Ltd." look stupid. Score = 90

Third Place:
chosen©er with "Tootsie 2: It Might Be You (REMIX)"

I didn't find this one as funny as true. One of my suggestions called to mind Gabe Kaplan, but Joyce really does look like Dustin Hoffman in drag. Sorry, Joyce. There's no denying the truth. And as long as we're being honest...who decided to put her on the cover? Did they think that picture would sell records?

Minus fifteen points for being so mean to Joyce. Score: 85

Honorable Mention:
Helen the Greek with "Dark Side of the Moon"

As I noted in the comments, I had considered this one as well. I don't know why it struck me as so funny. Maybe it's that I imagined Joyce doing her version of Dark Side and me listening to it while I synced it with The Wizard Of Oz. And all of that sans medicine. You don't need it when you have Joyce singing, "the lunatic is on the grass."

Minus seventeen points for being on my wavelength. Score = 83

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "Come And Knock At My Door"

I like having Boom Boom in the room. She's funny and she knows how to put up with crap from me and chosen©er. So here goes.

Minus twenty points because it's "Come And Knock ON My Door." Who's knocking at the door to a first, second, or third place finish? Don't answer it. We're leaving her on the porch with an honorable mention. Score = 80

Honorable Mention:
Mr. Doob with "A Night At The Opera"

I would pay serious money to hear her version of Death On Two Legs.

Score = 76.5

Here's what I thought the cover might have looked like. (Album and song titles don't reflect actual winners of competition. Some settlement during shipping may have occured as product is packaged by weight.)

Let The Voting Begin

Well, it seems there are no more suggestions flowing in. I didn't want to shut this down until Jeremy chimed in and I'm glad I waited.

There were a lot of funny submissions...but only one can win. So let me formally close the contest and start the voting. Voting will be open until the one I like gets the most votes.

Joyce: Photo-Caption Contest Update

So I tried to find out more about Joyce. That's when I stumbled across this list of the 100 worst album covers of all time. The comments are great. Our girl Joyce only manages to rate a measely 36 but fear not! There are some real winners on this list. The albums in the nineties wouldn't load the thumbnail of the album cover for me, but if you click on the broken link (the question mark) you can see the cover. Unfortunately, I like a couple of these records.

Joyce: Photo-Caption Contest Update

I've been thinking about it and I don't want to determine the winner myself this time. It's always been fun to award points and, of course, take points away, but I want this to be a little more democratic.

So after the entrys slow to a trickle I will formally close the contest and invite everyone to vote. The rules for voting will be simple: Everyone only gets one vote and you can't vote for yourself. (People without submissions and complete strangers are allowed as well. Buying votes is encouraged.) Got it?

Or should I just judge like I always have?

P.S. Those of you that have missed previous contests can click on the label "Photo Caption Contest" at the bottom of this post and see all of the other contests and awards.

Joyce: Photo-Caption Contest

I was laughing at some of the past photo-caption contest submissions when I came across a suggestion from Jeremy to limit the captions to song lyrics. It's a good idea, but I'm going to limit a little more in the spirit of limiting things.

Good pictures are hard to find. I was going to limit the captions to song or album titles. Then I thought, "why not take a really bad actual album cover and get suggested titles for it?"

So here goes. This is the eponymous release by an artist named Joyce. I think it deserves a real title (although "Joyce" says it all, doesn't it?) You can make one up, or give it the title of another real album or song. Whatever, just make sure it's deserving of Joyce.

P-H-O-T-O-C-A-P-T-I-O-N-C-O-N-T-E-S-T

That's right it's photo caption contest time again. And this one comes straight from the pages of Newsweek magazine.

You have to hand it to Newsweek, when China takes over the world, they'll be the ones saying, "We told you so." It seems like every issue ties some aspect of our lives to the Chinese and how they are doing it better or faster or cheaper. Is nothing safe?!!

Perhaps you thought cheerleading was safe. It's pretty all-American isn't it? Don't bet on it. The Chinese have set their sights on it and keep appearing at the annual Cheerleading Worlds which Newsweek describes as "the Super Bowl of spirit competitions."

But are we our own worst enemy? I submit this picture which accompanied the article. Forgive the quality. The only way I could get it here was to take a picture of my computer screen (don't ask.)


That's not what I remember cheerleading being about. As a matter of fact, these people look a little scary to me.

Take this young lady for instance. She looks like she's got someone in her sights that she's about to assualt with her pelvis.









And what about this guy? He's either the "ooh-ooh" portion of the cheer or he just pulled a groin. Strike that...maybe pelvis girl just gave him a fist of fury in the pyramid maker.







And how about her? She looks happy, right? Maybe?








But not as happy as her. I mean, I've seen happy and that's it.











But she's definitely not as happy as he is. Nobody is as happy as he is.









So here's the assignment: Come up with a cheer for this picture. It doesn't have to be a whole cheer. Maybe just the line that they are screaming at this very moment. Try to keep it clean. Well, as clean as this picture so that should give you considerable latitude.

Get your cheer on!

Photo Caption Contest: Death In A Red Shirt

Mr. Doob was right when he commented that this one was harder than the rest. I, myself, never came up with anything worth submitting. It was disappointing but time not completely wasted.

After a long silence here are the results:


First Place:
Mr. Doob with "Sir...it's Chekov...he want to show me his 'wessel.'" It was the best of anything submitted for the fact that he used the plural "want."
Score: 85

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Sir...it's the Klingon Commander...he wants to uncloak his Bird of Prey."
Score: 80

Third Place:
Jeremy Frye with "Sir, it's an Earth mexican restaurant. They want to know how much for the painting." for bringing the Latino community a little closer to Star Trek. After all, Montalban was the only one they allowed on the ship. And he was banned forever after because he was a "superior intellect."
Score: 70

Virgin Eyes

Okay, usually you guys jump on the captions pretty quick. Maybe Mr. Doob is right. So I edited the photo for the virgin eyes among us. Anyone that wants to look at how the painting is without the bar, you can see it here.

Any other picture, the gay jokes fly. Show a painting of some hoo-hoo's and they run for the hills.

Photo Caption Contest: The Next Generation

I couldn't resist. Here are the rules:

Most of Uhura's dialoge on Star Trek went something like, "Sir, it's the admiral they want to know our position and...." or "Sir, it's a green girl. She wants to know your position."

So that's it. The caption must be a quote from the Uhura in the painting acting as the communications officer of the Enterprise. She must be trying to "engage" one of the crew, and all must follow this format:

"Sir...it's __________, I/he/she/we/etc. want to _______________."

Captioning With The Stars: The Results Show

After very little deliberation here are the results:

First Place:
Jeremy Frye with "No, I said, 'Duck, Rogers!' Like, a command. Why would I just shout out, 'Buck Rogers?!?'"

I can't really explain it. Maybe it was the well chosen wording. I don't know but I laughed over this one every time I read it. No deductions. It's perfect. Score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Houston...I have a problem.The Eagle has landed...in my pants." for it's infantile and head-on approach. He evokes the spirit of Triumph The Insult Comic.

Minus 20 points for adapting an existing quote. Plus 5 points for giving me the idea for the next caption contest. Score: 85

Third Place:
Wm. with "I'm opening your rod bay door pal." for taking one of the most memorable quotes from what is regarded by some to be the greatest science fiction movie made...and making it gay.

Minus 20 points for giving yourself third place. Score: 80

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "am i crazy or was it a different picture earlier today?" It didn't work at first, but the more I thought about the photo and this quote as something one of them was saying, the more funny it became. It's so far out there it's funny.

Minus 21 points. Ooooohhhh! So Close! Score: 79


Now this picture drew the most submissions so far; 38. And some of them were downright hilarious.

(Also, I remembered something that I learned when Keith and I were going to Dad's Garage regularly; the more rules you place on it, the funnier it is.)

First Place:
Helen the Greek with "You had me at hello." from Jerry Maguire. Far from the obvious. Fresh. Hilarious.

This one's a winner. Another perfect score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille." from Cool Hand Luke. This was almost first place but I felt that my love for that particular movie and the fact that I desperately want to be Paul Newman might be clouding my judgement.

Minus 1 point for making me feel conflicted. Score: 99

Third Place:
Boom Boom Becca with "Andie, hon. Listen, it's after 7:00. Don't waste good lip gloss." from Pretty in Pink. I don't know what I found more funny; the quote or the pattern of movies from which all of her submissions were culled.

Minus 5 points for applying a nighttime qoute to a picture obviously taken in the day. Score: (a very respectable) 95

Honorable Mention:
Jeremy Frye with "I first saw her at Palantine Campaign headquarters at 63rd and Broadway. She was wearing a white dress. She appeared like an angel. Out of this filthy mess, she is alone. They... cannot... touch... her." from Taxi Driver. I admired the fact that he found a quote that seemed to focus on the dress. I was looking for movie qoutes about horses and battleships.

Minus 10 points for picking Scorcese since I don't really like any of his movies. Score: 90

Awesome Photo Caption Contest

While judging of the previous contest is completed we are moving on to the next picture. The rules for this one are simple: Your caption must be a quote from a movie. (Include the name of the movie.)

No adaptions of quotes will be accepted. Also no gay jokes. They seem to keep popping up and they're just too easy.

I know what you're thinking, "Great! Movie quotes! How will the rest of us compete?!" Well, the only people who have left comments in the past have all been well studied in the art of movie speak.

About the picture - it's real. No photoshop involved. Just all woman. "What do you want me to do? Draw you a picture? Spell it out? Don't ever ask me! Long as you live, don't ever ask me more."

It's Photo Caption Contest Time Again

You know it's not as easy as you think. Go to Google images and search the words "hilarious," "funny," or "weird" and look at how many of the pictures involve cats. (What makes cat owners do this? It makes me think the internet may be evil after all.)

Anyway, there are no rules for this one. Just straight forward caption-making. Good luck.