Let's Make A Record

I'm looking to put together a mix-tape of sorts. I'm taking suggestions for GREAT songs that you think no one else has heard. Leave me the name of the song and artist in the comments. I will be creating a playlist on the main post as we go.

When we've got enough songs I'm going to upload the whole thing to one of those download sites that you can access for free. Get suggesting!

The Dark Side Of The Rainbow

For those of you who don't know, if you watch The Wizard Of Oz and listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon your head will explode.

Okay, now that we've gotten hyperbole out of the way...

In the early nineties, some stoner watching television and listening to Dark Side Of The Moon, too baked to find the television remote control realized that there were certain synchronicities between the music and the movie Wizard of Oz. (You have to start the album when the MGM lion roars for the third time.) Most of them rely on lyrical references that can be twisted to apply to what's going on on-screen. (A complete listing of coincidences are available here.)

However, there is one section of the whole thing that does give me the willies. It's so good that I really can't stand to watch this section of Wizard Of Oz without the music. The movie, with it's original soundrack intact seems lifeless and boring. This point in the synchronicity is the only reason that I still hold a little bit of scepticism as to whether the band planned it when they made the album (they deny it.)

It begins just as Dorothy decides to return home after running away and it coincides with the album at the specific point when things just don't seem to belong. Now, don't get me wrong. I love Great Gig In The Sky. But it has always seemed as though it didn't belong on the album. It originally fell at the end of Side 1 and I suppose it was meant to draw you to Side 2. But the fact that it really is out of the context of the rest of the album, coupled with how well it fits it's particular section in the movie make you wonder if it really wasn't all planned.

The best argument against this is that if it was planned then the whole album would fit as well as this portion does. Anyway, for those of you who haven't seen it before, someone has posted the whole thing to YouTube. And if you want more explanation on the whole synchronicity allegations then check out the Wikipedia article.

Whether you agree on the whole synchronicity or not, this is at least an opportunity to revisit some incredible music and a really fun movie that has some moments of true brilliance (read: the special effects for the tornado and "Surrender Dorothy" skywriting.)

To Be Prepared Or Knot To Be Prepared

My career in the Boy Scouts ended with my Arrow of Light. I got it and bolted because, as a thirteen year old, I felt I didn't have any time in my busy life. Now, I can't wait until my oldest son is old enough to be in Cub Scouts. And Ben seems to share some of my interest. So far he has learned a Square Knot and a Slip Knot. (I fear I'm going to walk into the den and find Luke tied to the sofa.)

And you know, the fire department, at times, is very similar to the Boy Scouts. I mean there's the "Always be prepared" philosophy that both share. They learn to make fire, we learn to put it out. And every once and awhile we both have to tie knots.

It's like anything, some people get it right off, and some don't. I've got a few at my station that don't so I went looking on the internet for some sites that could help people learn their knots. I have some really good books, but I wanted something that was a little more interactive. And I found it.

This website is an excellent source. The owner has provided animations detailing how to tie the knots as well as dividing the knots into groups such as Boating, Search and Rescue, etc. Check it out and "enjoy."

Ben Kweller Is Sweller

We went to see Ben Kweller this tuesday night at the Variety Playhouse. Paula and I had a really good time and Ben was great. He definitely rocked it up, but the high point of the show for me was one of his older, slower songs. Man I love this one.

Listen.

Photo courtesy of Rock Blog.

Is Your Profession Half Empty Or Half Full?

Someone copied me on an e-mail that had a tag at the bottom which read:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

So I thought, "Why not try that for a few more job titles?" So, write your own joke using your own profession as a starting point. I'll get things rolling in the comments.

Joyce: The Results

Sorry for the delay. We've had AC issues to deal with for the last couple of weeks.

Anyway, my votes have been tabulated and here are the results:



First Place:
Histor the Wise with "Hi, Niece!"

Totally innocuous. Possibly the worst title for a song ever. And as it happens the funniest, least obvious, most original entry of the bunch. The exclamation point at first disappointed me; like it was trying to hard. But now I think that Joyce uses exclamation points the way she dots a letter "i" with a heart; there just isn't anything behind it.

Flawless. Score = 100

Second Place:
Jeremy Frye with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Joyce.

The beauty here is that the "Joyce" in the title gets a bump from "Rosemary" which, contrary to it's original context, takes the form of another woman's name. Two women's names that are equally out of popularity right now. All that could change with a well-timed supermodel or pornstar: Nikki Joyce anyone? (I couldn't help myself and I searched for women named Joyce that like to take their clothes off. A Joyce De Troch took her clothes off for the Belgian version of Playboy in 1997. What's that? You haven't heard of her? Still asking 'What's in a name'?)

Minus ten points for making my idea of "Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Joyce Ltd." look stupid. Score = 90

Third Place:
chosen©er with "Tootsie 2: It Might Be You (REMIX)"

I didn't find this one as funny as true. One of my suggestions called to mind Gabe Kaplan, but Joyce really does look like Dustin Hoffman in drag. Sorry, Joyce. There's no denying the truth. And as long as we're being honest...who decided to put her on the cover? Did they think that picture would sell records?

Minus fifteen points for being so mean to Joyce. Score: 85

Honorable Mention:
Helen the Greek with "Dark Side of the Moon"

As I noted in the comments, I had considered this one as well. I don't know why it struck me as so funny. Maybe it's that I imagined Joyce doing her version of Dark Side and me listening to it while I synced it with The Wizard Of Oz. And all of that sans medicine. You don't need it when you have Joyce singing, "the lunatic is on the grass."

Minus seventeen points for being on my wavelength. Score = 83

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "Come And Knock At My Door"

I like having Boom Boom in the room. She's funny and she knows how to put up with crap from me and chosen©er. So here goes.

Minus twenty points because it's "Come And Knock ON My Door." Who's knocking at the door to a first, second, or third place finish? Don't answer it. We're leaving her on the porch with an honorable mention. Score = 80

Honorable Mention:
Mr. Doob with "A Night At The Opera"

I would pay serious money to hear her version of Death On Two Legs.

Score = 76.5

Here's what I thought the cover might have looked like. (Album and song titles don't reflect actual winners of competition. Some settlement during shipping may have occured as product is packaged by weight.)

Let The Voting Begin

Well, it seems there are no more suggestions flowing in. I didn't want to shut this down until Jeremy chimed in and I'm glad I waited.

There were a lot of funny submissions...but only one can win. So let me formally close the contest and start the voting. Voting will be open until the one I like gets the most votes.

Joyce: Photo-Caption Contest Update

So I tried to find out more about Joyce. That's when I stumbled across this list of the 100 worst album covers of all time. The comments are great. Our girl Joyce only manages to rate a measely 36 but fear not! There are some real winners on this list. The albums in the nineties wouldn't load the thumbnail of the album cover for me, but if you click on the broken link (the question mark) you can see the cover. Unfortunately, I like a couple of these records.

Joyce: Photo-Caption Contest Update

I've been thinking about it and I don't want to determine the winner myself this time. It's always been fun to award points and, of course, take points away, but I want this to be a little more democratic.

So after the entrys slow to a trickle I will formally close the contest and invite everyone to vote. The rules for voting will be simple: Everyone only gets one vote and you can't vote for yourself. (People without submissions and complete strangers are allowed as well. Buying votes is encouraged.) Got it?

Or should I just judge like I always have?

P.S. Those of you that have missed previous contests can click on the label "Photo Caption Contest" at the bottom of this post and see all of the other contests and awards.

Joyce: Photo-Caption Contest

I was laughing at some of the past photo-caption contest submissions when I came across a suggestion from Jeremy to limit the captions to song lyrics. It's a good idea, but I'm going to limit a little more in the spirit of limiting things.

Good pictures are hard to find. I was going to limit the captions to song or album titles. Then I thought, "why not take a really bad actual album cover and get suggested titles for it?"

So here goes. This is the eponymous release by an artist named Joyce. I think it deserves a real title (although "Joyce" says it all, doesn't it?) You can make one up, or give it the title of another real album or song. Whatever, just make sure it's deserving of Joyce.

Motherboard! How Frikkin' Hard Can This Be?!!!

Over the years I have collected old computers and electronics in the basement. I'm not a pack rat by any means. I didn't keep it for the sake of keeping it; I always intended to fix or reuse the items. It's just that I really have a hard time throwing things away that I think can be used again. But after so many years it has become obvious that there isn't anything to do with them.

That's when I heard about an electronics recycling drive. The county had held a collection but it apparently was only for a certain period. When I called the sanitation department, the woman I spoke with gave me a 1-800 number to call. So I went home and started looking on the internet for opportunities to recycle in the area.

I gave this one company a call and found out the they charged $10 an item to recycle. $10 to recycle a VCR that cost me $30! It would cost me $120 to recycle everything that I wanted to! What's wrong with the world? When I asked the guy why so much he said there were costs involved. I told him that for that much I was inclined to just put it in the landfill like everyone else. He "reminded" me that they were considered hazardous waste. I reminded him that $120 was a lot of money.

So then I find on the internet that Staples accepts electronics for recycling. Cool! I drive all the stuff up there only to find out that they too charge $10 per item. That was conveniently left off of the website.

Reluctantly, my conscience convinces me to hold onto this stuff for a little while longer until I can find someone collecting the stuff for free again. I call the county landfill to find out when and where and they tell me that there is a permanent collection site at the landfill. That's nowhere on the website and the first woman I spoke to at the beginning of this whole mess apparently didn't know about it either.

I ended up taking the stuff down there. At the gate, I asked the woman who signed me out if I could collect from the elderly in my neighborhood, who don't have the means to get down to the landfill. She said that I would have to pay to bring that stuff down for recycling "because it isn't from your own house." I told her that was absurd and ridiculous. I mean, wouldn't the Sanitation Department love to get a little help? Aren't they making some money on the recycling? The more the better? The less in the landfill?

What the hell is going on?!!!

Now I only tell you all of this to illustrate how hard it was to dispose of this stuff properly. It took a lot of time and almost took a lot of money. Recycling should be easy. Knowing that it's the right thing to do often isn't enough (a typical computer can have up to 8 lbs of lead in it.) There's a point when it just doesn't make sense anymore.

So if you've got computers, televisions, electronics of any kind check for an opportunity to re-use or recycle in your area. And if you can't find any I'll take it to the landfill for you.

Projection Not Reflection

I posed a question while in Florida with friends recently and it has occured to me that it might prove interesting to hear the responses from a wider pool. So here goes.

If you could pick one actor or actress to be, based on the parts they have played, who would it be? I'm not talking about who would best play you in a movie about your life. No, this is who you want to be. Think projection, not reflection.

My pick would be Paul Newman. He has aged gracefully (see Robert Redford) and can still hold his own on screen (see Road To Perdition.) He's played some real sons-of-bitches (see Hud) but you find yourself liking him anyway. Besides that, you just don't get any cooler than Cool Hand Luke.

Father's Day

As many of you know, Randy Newman holds a very special place in my heart. His second studio album, Sail Away includes a song called Memo To My Son, which unlike many of his other songs, is apparently sung from his own point of view.

I remember listening to the song a year after my first son was born and thinking about how simple and true the lyrics struck me.

What have you done to the mirror?
What have you done to the floor?
Can't I go nowhere without you?
Can't I leave you alone any more?

I know you don't think much of me
But someday you'll understand
Wait'll you learn how to talk baby
I'll show you how smart I am

A quitter never wins
A winner never quits
When the going gets tough
The tough get going

Maybe you don't know how to walk baby
Maybe you can't talk none either
Maybe you never will, baby
But I'll always love you
I'll always love you

The song seemed especially seasonable at the time. But today when I hear it it seems to belong to this moment, even now that my sons are a little older. I expect that the song will always apply, which is part of its charm for me. Sons will always be getting into things. They will always need advice. And their fathers will always seek their approval.

The line, "Wait'll you learn how to talk baby, I'll show you how smart I am" used to strike me as funny. Now it's a little sad as I realize so much of what I do as a father, so much of what I want everyone around me to see me doing for my sons, I'm actually doing for myself.

That's becuase no matter how much we all realize that it isn't fair, the world tends to judge a father by his children's actions. I fear that all too often I act as though this were true. But it isn't and I shouldn't. There are a lot of bad people in the world that had good parents. So this is one of the rare times when intention trumps results.

My hope as a father, is that my sons will recognize, perhaps when they too have children, that I only intended the best for them. I want to give them everything I have and hope only for their love in return.

Some suggested Father's Day viewing:

The Royal Tenenbaums - There's a moment in the movie, around the scene at the ice cream parlor when Royal finally gets it. It's a magical moment.

Big Fish - A movie about sons understanding their fathers and why they do the things they do.

Finding Nemo - How is it that a cartoon can make me cry? When Nigel the pelican consoles Nemo's father who thinks his son is dead with, "I'm sorry. Truly I am," my heart breaks. How is that possible?

Superman - "All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more... I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your own eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father the son. This is all I can send you, Kal-El." You really can't top that.

Road To Perdition - A young boy's discovery of the world that his father lives in and desperately wants to protect his son from. The moment when he tells his son that he fears he is too much like himself...or the scene where Tom Hanks and Paul Newman play piano together; the surrogate father and son. It doesn't get much better than this one. Easily on my top ten of all time.

Field Of Dreams - A movie that pretends it's about baseball.

A Window, Heroism, and A Helicopter Pilot

Common Sense vs. A Window

So here’s what I’m up against. A couple of weeks ago we had a little house fire at four o’clock in the morning. It was pretty far from our station and by the time we got there most of the fire was put out. I and the firefighter with me were assigned to do a primary search of the house looking for victims.

After completing the search and reporting our findings back to command we started to help overhaul the inside of the house. This is the point where we start removing sheetrock around the fire area looking for the places that fire likes to hide.

So my rookie and I (he’s been with the department for about two years but I think you still qualify as a rookie with so little time) are in a little bathroom down the hall from where the fire was. It’s not very likely that there is any fire spread to this area but we have to check anyway. The technique is quite simple; you remove sheetrock and examine the wood behind it. Any sign of smoke or charring and you pull more. You pull sheetrock off of the walls and ceiling until you get to “clean” wood. It’s completely destructive and we often end up doing more damage than the fire while making sure that it’s out. After all, you don’t want to have to come back a second time. That’s a bad feeling, trust me.

So like I said, the fire was out before we got there. We’re pulling ceiling in this bathroom and there is still a lot of smoke in the air. I tell my rookie, “how about opening that window and getting some of this smoke out of here.”

At this point I turn and go back to pulling sheetrock, when CRASH! There goes the window. I turn quickly and see my rook putting his puller through the glass. Once he has broken most of the glass he takes the tool and rakes it around the sides cleaning out all of the glass. Then, as if that wasn’t enough damage, he takes the tool and knocks the entire window out of the wall into the back yard.

I would remind you, THE FIRE IS OUT! There are no exigent circumstances that demand quick and decisive action. I assumed (and we all know what that makes me yet again) that he would simply open the window.

It’s common sense, right? But that’s what I’m up against. For all too many of the younger guys, the mere idea that fire is somewhere in their vicinity is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. A crazy bull that’s got something to prove.

Intentions vs. Results

Perhaps you’re thinking that, like my previous post, I should consider rewarding intentions. And they do have good intentions. They sincerely want to help, but intentions aren’t going to save anyone.

Yes there is something admirable about the intention. But good intentions don’t get the job done. There are a few calls that I will always remember; that I play over and over in my head thinking about what I would have done differently. Calls where intentions fell horribly short.

I hear people labeling firefighters “heroes” all of the time, and my reflex is to cringe somewhere in my head, out of sight. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment or understand how they feel. After all, firefighters have heroes, too. It's just that I don't necessarily agree. But it has caused me to examine what, in my opinion, a hero is.

I recently read John McCain’s book Why Courage Matters where he discusses people who have displayed unbelievable courage, many in the face of death. He argues that our society today carelessly applies the word lessening its impact. The labeling of someone as courageous, because they lost a lot of weight, cheapens the word where it applies to what he considers real courage.

At first I wholly agreed with him. He definitely presented examples of people who have shown immeasurable courage; people who have done things I can’t imagine myself doing. And that’s when I realized what I define as courageous; what I think makes a hero.

Your Hero vs. My Hero

For me, a hero is simply someone who’s willing to do something I am not.

That’s it plain and simple. It could be losing weight if I wasn't willing to do it. So I don’t see firefighting as heroic because it’s something I do. As a firefighter I don’t strive to be a hero. I realized a long time ago that what I want from my career instead is the opportunity to just once make a real difference.

(You see most firefighters are trained to do the same things in similar situations. What I long for is that moment when I can be the difference. A moment when my perspective, my experiences, etc, help me to see a scene differently and dramatically change the outcome for the better. (I know someone who I have witnessed do this twice. It fills me with admiration and, to be perfectly honest, a little envy.) That won’t make me a hero, though. I don’t want that. I don’t even want recognition for making the difference.)

Brave vs. Stupid

An old man at a campground latrine (it’s a long story) once told me that “brave and stupid” where two sides of the same coin. I knew then that he was right. The only difference in the two is how things end up.

And it’s doubly true for heroes. If all they can claim is good intentions then their actions, the chances they take, are more often than not viewed as mere stupidity. And if they succeed? Well then, we consider them brave enough to do something we might not have.

You know years ago, there was a shooting in the food court of Perimeter Mall. If I remember correctly, the man who did the shooting said that he heard voices that told him to do it. He was disarmed by a man who simply walked up to him and got him to put down the gun. This man saved an unknown number of people through his simple action. Afterwards he refused to speak to the news and disappeared back into his life. I’ve often wondered, working and living in the area for a period, whether I unknowingly met him. How amazing would that be? This guy made the difference and was a hero at the same time.

Let’s bring it back to firefighting and talk a little about the rescue at the Fulton Cotton Mill fire a few years ago. If you remember, the entire mill, built of heavy timber and in the process of being converted into lofts, went up in flames trapping the crane operator at the top of his crane above the inferno. An Atlanta firefighter tethered himself below a helicopter and was lowered to the crane where he rescued the crane operator. It was very dramatic and was shown live on local television (and on CNN if I’m remembering correctly.)

Months later, I was approached at work by representatives of a church group who wanted to give an award to a “hero.” They asked if they could give it to Matt Mosley, the Atlanta firefighter who had affected the rescue. (Matt Mosley, after the rescue, had been very visible. He was given a vacation to Disney World for his family and was all over the news for a few weeks.) I told them that would be nice but suggested instead that they give the award to the helicopter pilot.

You see, even though it took guts to get on the end of that line I know that there were probably ten other firefighters ready to do it. But what most people don’t know is that they tried to get one of the many news helicopters at the scene to fly over the fire for the rescue and they all refused. It was just too dangerous. But the Department of Natural Resources pilot volunteered. He did what no one else would do. Without him the crane operator was dead. He’s the hero of that story. And I bet you don’t know his name.

W-I-N-N-E-R

I have to say that the one that made me laugh the hardest was from Chosen©er with, "2-4-6-8, let's all go re-caffeinate!"

Thanks to everyone else that contributed.

P-H-O-T-O-C-A-P-T-I-O-N-C-O-N-T-E-S-T

That's right it's photo caption contest time again. And this one comes straight from the pages of Newsweek magazine.

You have to hand it to Newsweek, when China takes over the world, they'll be the ones saying, "We told you so." It seems like every issue ties some aspect of our lives to the Chinese and how they are doing it better or faster or cheaper. Is nothing safe?!!

Perhaps you thought cheerleading was safe. It's pretty all-American isn't it? Don't bet on it. The Chinese have set their sights on it and keep appearing at the annual Cheerleading Worlds which Newsweek describes as "the Super Bowl of spirit competitions."

But are we our own worst enemy? I submit this picture which accompanied the article. Forgive the quality. The only way I could get it here was to take a picture of my computer screen (don't ask.)


That's not what I remember cheerleading being about. As a matter of fact, these people look a little scary to me.

Take this young lady for instance. She looks like she's got someone in her sights that she's about to assualt with her pelvis.









And what about this guy? He's either the "ooh-ooh" portion of the cheer or he just pulled a groin. Strike that...maybe pelvis girl just gave him a fist of fury in the pyramid maker.







And how about her? She looks happy, right? Maybe?








But not as happy as her. I mean, I've seen happy and that's it.











But she's definitely not as happy as he is. Nobody is as happy as he is.









So here's the assignment: Come up with a cheer for this picture. It doesn't have to be a whole cheer. Maybe just the line that they are screaming at this very moment. Try to keep it clean. Well, as clean as this picture so that should give you considerable latitude.

Get your cheer on!

Less Is More Or Less

In the comments to my posting on the movie The Thing, I was asked if there was a genre of film where more is better than less. It's a hard question and one that I have contemplated for the last couple of weeks or so, while I imagined a coat hanger snaking it's way up my nose to relieve the ridiculous pressure inside my very infected ethmoid sinus.

Anyway, I don't know if the question was proposed to make a point or if it was a real question. But my answer, it turns out, is in response to either.

I can't really find an entire genre of film in which "more" is better than "less." Take comedies, for example. I think that the Naked Gun movies are ridiculously funny. The stupider the better. But I think that the television shows like Scrubs, The Office, and 30 Rock are not good because they go too far. They aren't ridiculously funny, just ridiculous. What's the difference? I don't really know. Maybe it's that with the Naked Gun movies the jokes come so fast that you can't see them coming. When I watch 30 Rock and the others I tend to see the jokes coming.

The movie Flash Gordon, which is very dear to my heart, is a very fine example of a "More Is More" approach. I don't know where I could improve on that movie's absolute...well let's just say it: badness (which I love.) Everything in that film is so exaggerated and wrong I wouldn't know where to start. I mean, what can you say about a film where the most subtle performance is by someone in a lizard suit? "Halt LizardMan...EEEEK!" And I love this movie. Wouldn't change a thing.

When I considered all of the other genres of film I came to the same conclusion as with Comedy; examples abound which illustrate both a "Less Is More" and a "More Is More" philosophy of film. So what's the answer?

And then there's the whole problem with the root concept: "Less talking is more" and "More silence is more" are the same idea seemingly contradictory. Confused? Don't be it's all going to get pretty clear in a second.

So, the answer is no, there isn't a genre of film where I think "More Is More" and if the original question was merely a point, I get it. End of discussion? Don't bet on it. While I've got you here let's talk about some of those examples.

Subtlety might be the key to why I like movies all over the spectrum. There isn't anything subtle about the Naked Gun movies from the first frame to the last and that might be why I don't have a problem with them. Maybe it's when subtlety is mixed with a more garish humor that I have a problem (The Office? 30 Rock?)

And the "Less Is More" phrase, I now realize, is hollow. It's the glass half empty or full all over. If anything, this little exercise has convinced me that I won't be using that phrase anymore. What's my new phrase? I don't know. Like Justice Potter Stewart, I don't know what makes a film good for me, "but I know it when I see it." So in the vein of our original question, let's talk about some of what I like and why.

One of my favorite scenes of all time is in the movie Close Encounters of The Third Kind, which begins not surprisingly with a series of "close encounters." The best of the three (screw the special edition!) is a very short scene involving some commercial airliners seeing a UFO. Most of you already know that when you watch the scene you never see the UFO. The whole scene actually takes place miles and miles away from the UFO in the Indianapolis Air Traffic Control Center. There are so many other ways this scene could have gone. So many bad ways. But as it is, it's perfect (and I don't use that term lightly.)

Note: When you watch the clip pay close attention to how the characters are framed (in one shot Speilberg stacks them one at a time four deep in what looks like "Mt. Rushmore from the side." Also listen to how Spielberg uses sound. The characters talk over one another to add to the tension.


(No I can't seem to get it to start without being gray for a second.)

Now that's a real subtle scene. A very effective scene. And it might seem simple and obvious on the surface, but how many movies have we all watched where we would have been placed in the cockpit? In this lesser movie we might not see the UFO but we would probably see the reactions of the crew. What Close Encounters does is incredibly effective. It ratchets your curiosity up a notch and makes you a little anxious at the same time. All done with style, I might add.

I could go on and on: Tremors, Reservoir Dogs, Runaway Train, Jaws, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Seven, etc., but I already feel like I've rambled enough. Plus, revising this entry endlessly hasn't really helped it flow any better. I seem to lack Eegahinc's gift of segue.

I Confess

It's time you all knew something about me...I like the Pussycat Dolls' song Buttons.

No, it's not that the video is like a Victoria Secret runway special on viagra. No, it's not Snoop Dog's rap. As a matter of fact I would like you to pretend it's not there. No, it's not the digital chairs. I could have done without those.

Maybe it's the Middle Eastern riff. Maybe it's the irresistable melody. Maybe it's her sixties girl group growl of a voice. Maybe it's the breathy vocal accents. Maybe it's that the tempo is just right for a woman to do that walk. Or maybe it's just that the video steals from one of my favorite musical movies.

That's right, we've seen parts of this video before in the movie Sweet Charity directed by Bob Fosse. That movie is best viewed in parts. Three numbers to be exact, the best being Big Spender. The Pussycat Dolls have stolen the handrail and some of their poses in this music video straight from this scene. In Sweet Charity it's a group of dancehall girls (read "prostitutes") beckoning business from the lone patron of the dancehall and singing about "having fun" while appearing to be having absolutely none themselves. Here, it's the Pussycat Dolls; a group of very attractive women fabricated into a "musical group" that's selling music as sex. Admittedly, they have come pretty close here.

The Pussycats also steal the writhing bodies moving as one from Big Spender. It comes as the Dolls enter a large tube at the beginning of the first verse. You might think you've seen that move before, but remember, Fosse came up with that in the sixties. Every other time you've seen it sense then is some form of flattery, I suppose.

I don't know if it's borrowed or not, but the beaded curtains are great. Maybe it's the lighting. Anyway, check out the Pussycat Dolls at the link above.

And also check out Sweet Charity. Don't bother renting it; it's not a good movie. Instead, check out the good parts on YouTube at the following links:

The first is the aforementioned Big Spender.
The second is a number with Sammy Davis Jr. as the leader of an underground hippie religion Rhythm Of Life.
And the third, Rich Man's Frug, is an exercise in melding boxing and dancing. Not sure this one works so much as it captivates you with its weirdness. And yeah, for a while years ago I wanted to marry a tall, leggy, brunette dancer with a long ponytail. Jeeeeesh!

Update: Wait For It

So, last tuesday the watch guy calls me and leaves a message on my voicemail. He says, "Bill, it's Mitch with Hurley Roberts. Your new watch came in and we found your old one. Come by at your convenience."

"We found your old one."

This whole experience had renewed my feelings that I was living in a giant television show (click on the Truman label below.) Previously I had concluded that one reason why that wasn't possible was the notion of self-importance that would have to go with something like that. But this exercise with the watch was too ludicrous to be anything but scripted.

And now this?!

On the one hand I would be really glad to have my old watch back. On the other hand I was kind of excited about having a new and more rugged watch. So what if this whole thing was scripted? Maybe not a television show but a scam. Could this have been, from the beginning, an effort on their part to fix my old watch and then since they now have this extra watch sell me a new watch at "half price?" (It would be half of retail but probably more than they paid for it = they score a profit.) Do you run a scam for ten months? For a measely few hundred bucks?

I entered the repair shop not knowing what to expect. Mitch brought out both watches. He didn't say where they had located my watch but he did say that it still wasn't fixed. So for the price of the original estimate, $129.00, I took home the new watch. It took a lot longer than it should have, but I have, in the language of personal injury law, "been made whole."

And yeah, that's...wait for it... my arm it's on.

The Thing

I'm going to venture a little into B-Movie Catechism territory and talk about a film for a little bit.

The first time I saw The Thing I was twelve years old and was spending the night over at a friend's house. They had cable and The Thing was playing. I still remember sitting on the floor watching as a dog's face split like a banana peel. And it just got more gory from there. My mother didn't let me see most PG films so this was forbidden fruit. And like Adam and Eve I was sorry at the time that I tasted it. I had nightmares for a while after. (If you haven't seen the movie it was really groundbreaking in the amount of blood, guts, and monsters that looked like guts.

And that's what a lot of critics and regular people took from the movie (not that I blame them.) But if you separate the gore and view the movie from a storytelling and cinematic perspective the film approaches greatness.

The opening of the movie begins with a flying saucer hurtling toward earth which I personally could have done without. It seems to have been placed there for the slower audience members who later might question, "how did a flying saucer get buried in the ice?" So cut that part out.

The next thing you see is the title card in which light bursts through suggesting the nature of the monster killing from the inside out. It is genuinely creepy and was fashioned after the titlecard of the original film version of this story; The Thing From Another World, made in 1951.

The original short-story was about trust and here it was deftly fashioned into an allegory for the post World War II era in which it was made. The idea of a foreign body infiltrating and imitating someone you know echoed the concerns of the day; the spread of Communism and it's agents and sympathizers in the United States, and to some extent the film industry itself.

Similarly the 1982 version is an allegory of the times, only accidentally. Unbeknownst to the filmmakers, the AIDs epidemic was just beginning to make news. The similarities between the two, while completely accidental, are almost as creepy as the movie itself:

- The thing kills on the cellular level.
- The only way for the characters of the film to find out who is infected is to test their blood.
- The thing is projected to take over the world if it isn't stopped.
- The thing only attacks when two people are alone.
- The cast of the film is completely male (not indicative of AIDs as a disease itself but more of the prevailing notion early on that it was a "gay" disease.)

Anyway, the film really begins with a dog running over ice chased by a helicopter whose occupants are shooting at the dog. It's basic storytelling to begin the story in the middle, but basic isn't bad. On the contrary it's incredibly effective and you find yourself wanting to know more just as the characters of our story do.

Now I'm not going to give you a scene by scene blow. If you haven't seen the movie, you should. If you have then you know what I'm talking about. This movie does an excellent job of setting it's atmosphere. The music is perfect (a score not provided by the director himself which is unusual for this director.) The look of the film is perfect which is pretty hard considering there is a lot of snow and ice. Some of the lighting choices are brilliant; whole scenes are lit with flares alone. There are really great parts here.

But that's the problem. Atmosphere doesn't make a movie. And the gore keeps getting in the way.

By today's standards it's pretty tame and of course in our age of digital manipulation the foam rubber monsters and goo seem kind of fake in moments. But at the time it was a real gross out picture. Which is a tragedy because there are the makings of a really good movie here (Kurt Russel pictured below is excellent.)


Less is more. I've been saying it for a while now (ref.: "Why I hated the Jurassic Park movie.") I wish the filmmakers had opted to show us less. Some of the most memorable moments in the film are not the creature itself but the characters' reactions to it. Most are subtle changes in the face. Some are funnier moments (a certain stoner and a very memorable line.)

For me, Jaws is a perfect movie. And that movie's production was blessed with a shark that didn't work most of the time. Consequently they had to use the barrels to show you the shark was down there. It was absolutely brilliant but happened only out of necessity. Somebody out there tell me that the first shark attack of the movie isn't horrifying. And you don't see the shark during the whole thing! It's done completely with reaction and some very effective "breath" acting.

I guess I wish that The Thing had been plagued with similar problems. Its monster moments are at their best when the most subtle. For instance, the burned remains of the thing at the Norwegian science station still bother me when I see them today. They're a jumble of body parts and what looks like two half faces separated by about six inches but joined together in this truly hideous morphing of flesh that results in a grotesque expression not unlike the faces of Thalia and Melpomene (the smiling and frowning masks that symbolize comedy and drama.) It leaves space for your imagination to work.

Another memorable monster moment that still works is when the characters corner one of their own who has been taken over but isn't completely changed. At first, when he turns, he looks human in all aspects but the camera slowly reveals that he has these weird and gross crab/claw hands. The monster in mostly human form then lets out this slow otherwordly wail just before they kill it. Like I said, still very creepy.

And no, I don't see the appeal of today's horror movies. They appear to me to be no more than a competition to see who can be the most twisted. The idea of a monster that "could" exist has been replaced with the idea of a monster that does exist in our world: a person doing horrible things to another person.

Anyway, there's more good in this movie than bad. If you haven't seen it, check it out. If it's been a while since you've seen it, watch it again. Just watch it through a pair of rose colored glasses, if you will. And after all, what's more fun than pink snow?

Wait For It

Last July, I decided not to get a new watch. My old one had begun to fog up on the inside and I couldn't seem to get it repaired at the mall. At first I wanted to just replace it with a more sturdy one that I could wear while at work but I found that to get a really good watch for that type of abuse is cost prohibitive. I mean, who's gonna take a thousand dollar watch into a burning building?

So I decided to get the old one fixed. I found, through a dive shop that I called, a certified Seiko repair shop: Hurley Roberts. The repair shop is in a small suite in a large industrial park. Nothing about the business, except the website, screamed professionalism but those are generally the places that do the best work, right?

Flash to December, five months later, and the repair shop claims they haven't received the parts for my watch yet. I tell them that "there isn't anywhere on Earth that is five months from here." (Or maybe it's the geographical oddity Clooney's character spoke of.) Frustrated, having few other options, and trying to get last minute shopping done I decide to give them until after Christmas.

Just after New Year's Day I pop in and they tell me my watch is done, like it's been done for a while and why didn't I pick it up sooner? Anyway, they replaced the seals and the battery.

But, wait for it -- the watch isn't running now. That's right, it ran before I took it to them. So they hold on to the watch, say they are going to fix it and that they will give me a call.

Flash to late March. Still haven't heard from them (don't even try calling because they literally don't answer their phones.) I show up at the repair shop ready to demand my watch, fixed or not. After all, seven months is long enough to get a watch fixed, right?

But they -- wait for it -- can't find my watch. The guy looking is everything you would expect in a watch repairman. He has the small magnifying glasses that are attached to his eyeglasses. He's overweight from a lifetime of moving only his fingertips. And he looks like he doesn't spend much time getting ready in the morning before driving in to work.

This guy spends about fifteen minutes going through hundreds of stacks of bins, twenty bins high, looking for the one with my work order number on it. He finally comes back and says that my watch must be in the vault. My Seiko that I got for about $350 twelve years ago is important enough to lock in the vault? The vault that is so important only one person has access?

And -- wait for it -- he's not here today. It gets better. The only man with access to the vault is on vacation and won't be back for a week.

At this point it's beyond infuriating. I'm starting to laugh about the whole thing. So a week goes by and I show up wanting my watch. Mitch, our vault man, tells me without even checking the vault that they have lost my watch. By "lost" I guess he means in the building somewhere no further than 75 feet in any direction.

So Mitch plops the old Citizen catalog down in front of me and tells me to pick out a replacement watch in the $500 range. I pick out the watch pictured above based on the features that Mitch advises I should get on a watch that is going to take some serious abuse.

And that's reasonable I think. I'm going to end up with a much better watch. I mean, I liked my old watch. It definitely had some sentimental value, but this isn't a bad solution to the problem of my fogged up watch.

Flash to mid-April. I still haven't heard from Mitch who promised to call me when the new watch came in. Amazingly, I get him on the phone and he says that the watch will be in by Tuesday of this week. He asks me to measure my wrist so that he can size the band. Sounds good. Sounds promising.

Today I went in to the shop to give him my wrist measurement. The watch hasn't come yet. He promises he'll have it by Monday.

I'm think I'm going to have to -- wait for it -- that's right; wait for it.

What I've Learned So Far

This July marks ten years for me as a firefighter. What follows, in no particular order, is some of what I now know to be true.


1. “Firefighting is an inherently dangerous occupation.” from a warning label in my helmet.

2. Firefighting isn’t as dangerous as you think; it’s more dangerous in ways you’ve never thought of.

3. The majority of firefighting is common sense. A lot of people don’t have common sense.

4. There is no such thing as “Fire Proof.” Everything burns.

5. It can always get worse.

6. A small group of people can grow to an out of control mob in only a few minutes.

7. A Mack fire engine can be driven through a turn with all of the left side wheels off of the ground for about thirty feet.

8. Renter’s insurance is the best $200 you will ever spend.

9. Pit bulls are inherently dangerous and can tear a person into pieces.

10. Cars rollover all of the time.

11. Drugs are ten times as prevalent and one tenth as lethal as I had thought.

12. A lot of people don’t like cops until they need one. Everyone likes a firefighter until they “take too long” getting there.

13. Sometimes people that are talking to you will drop dead.

14. Bullets: Small hole going in, big hole coming out.

15. There are a lot of people who get hysterical in an emergency.

16. Seatbelts save lives.

17. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.

18. Some of the best people I know I met at work.

19. Most people have better guns than aim.

20. Flies in a hotel window are not a good sign.

21. People will continue to lie even if theirs or someone they love’s life is on the line.

22. We don’t always have the best equipment.

23. Cars on fire don’t explode. Tires on cars on fire explode.

24. Receiving oral pleasure is enough to send an epileptic into a seizure. The epileptic’s “friend” who was “just using the phone” isn’t really his friend. And his wallet wasn’t empty five minutes before you got there.

25. The average taxpayer believes that a dollar paid in fire tax magically buys ten times what a dollar will buy when they use it at the store.

26. The majority of the population does not know the definition of the word “emergency.”

27. A lot of sick people don’t bathe.

28. The human body contains a lot of blood.

29. Most people don’t know the difference between steam and smoke.

30. A car can literally drive through another car.

31. Most people have cardiac arrests on Sunday morning.

32. The fancier the fire engine the more it is likely to break.

33. The prevailing wisdom is that if a job isn’t for the police or sanitation departments, it must be the fire department’s job.

34. People not in their right minds can suddenly become unbelievably strong.

35. Some live people smell worse than dead people.

36. Television shows about firefighting aren’t based in reality.

37. A drug user that moments before was clinically dead will sit up and yell at you for cutting her bra.

38. Most citizens wrongly believe that everything in the station and on the truck was bought with “their money.”

39. Most people don’t know the difference between carbon monoxide and natural gas.

40. Fire can do amazing things.

41. All bleeding will eventually stop.

42. Some dogs are not all bark.

43. Mack fire engines were the best.

44. Some people don’t want to be rescued.

45. Most firefighters enjoy the respect their occupation receives but avoid the “hero” label.

46. People with a long history of panic attacks seem to forget that what they’re having is a panic attack and call 911.

47. Your best chance in a fire is to save yourself.

48. Infant CPR is the hardest.

49. Always check to see if two Dobermans are in a fenced area before you jump the fence.

50. A burned body in a fire can retain heat for hours.

51. Being in a fire engine that is uncontrollably sliding downhill on ice and shows no signs of stopping is a sickening feeling.

52. For everything there is a first time.

53. Firefighting isn’t about being fearless. Firefighting is conquering fear.

54. 343 is a very large number.

55. A body with a bullet hole through the head isn’t always dead.

56. Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Where there’s fire there isn’t always smoke.

57. Firefighters that refer to themselves as “hero” are usually the furthest from it.

58. The protective qualities of your turnout gear can get you deeper into a fire than you should be.

59. Breaking the rules to get the job done is okay until you screw up.

60. Suddenly coming face to face with a dog in a closet while searching a smoky room on your hands and knees will scare the crap out of you.

61. It’s never the blood. It’s the fact that the dead woman has the same shoes as your wife.

62. There is nothing attractive about the backstage area of a strip club.

63. We have to make ourselves laugh sometimes.

64. A lightening strike can lead you to a dying man in time to save him.

65. There are at least twenty people I would immediately fire in our department if given the chance.

66. I will have no man on my engine who is not afraid of fire. (a corruption of a quote from Moby Dick)

67. Firefighting is the best job in the world.

68. Sometimes it’s better to lie to your wife and tell her you had a good day.

Go Figure

So the YouTube people just sent me an e-mail:

Dear Member:

This is to notify you that we have removed or disabled access to the following material as a result of a third-party notification by Universal Music Publishing Group claiming that this material is infringing.

The material they are referring to is my pop-up-video minus the video for Prince's Kiss. Wouldn't you know the little purple bastard would object? Probably because out of all of the videos I have done, his had less than a hundred hits at the time it was taken off. Kenny Rogers, meanwhile, keeps truckin' on with just under 5000 views this very moment.

You Should See This

First, Keith now has an official website that acts as an online resume. If you feel like getting yourself a severe case of creativity envy check it out.

Second, I found the company that does all of the Turner Classic Movies spots. They're called Raygun. The site has a bunch of spots they've done for TCM as well as Discovery, CNN, and other television channels. Check it out.

Some New Videos (Kind Of)

I uploaded some videos to YouTube yesterday.

The first is from a zoo visit before Luke was born. Paula wanted to take some video of our trip to the zoo for something they were doing at work. It wasn't ever intended to be put together like this. I just used what footage she had. She has kind of an unsteady hand at times but, in my opinion, it adds to the charm.

At The Zoo.

The second is the Turner Classic Movie promo featuring Beck's Lonsesome Tears. To those of you who haven't seen me for some time, it may come as a shock to find out how little I have to do with movies now. I might make it to the theater twice a year, I might rent movies four times in a year, and I sincerely don't give a crap about the Oscars or anything else to do with 'em. But once a year I see something that makes me wish I was still trying to make it in that business. This promo is one of them. Shots of old movies put to a great song with new footage of drops of water intercut that makes for pure magic. Along with the Dow Human Element spot (you can find it in my YouTube Favorites on my profile) this spot musters a fleeting hint of regret in me.

TCM Promo.

Some New Blogs

There are a couple of new blogs linked in the right hand column.

The first is David's Blog about B Movies and Catholicism.

The Second is Jeremy's Blog which features pictures he takes at the music shows.

Be sure to check both of them out. And I'm sure they would love it (as much as I do) if you left a comment or two.

Drake Bell

What follows is a review of the Drake Bell album It's Only Time written by Jeremy Frye and reprinted here with his permission. I wanted to share it with you for two reasons. First, I really like the album and want you to like it too (I have Jeremy to thank for introducing me to it.) Second, I wanted to share the review for the sake of the review. Jeremy, in my opinion, writes very well and has a gift for making each review unique (I, on the other hand, tend to fall into a pattern when writing about music.)

I have included a sample of two of the tracks at the end of this post.

Drake Bell-It’s Only Time (Universal Motown)

Twenty year old tweener heartthrob Drake Bell, star of Nickelodeon’s Drake & Josh, couldn’t be less on my radar. In fact the previous sentence features more information than I knew about him five minutes ago (I looked up his age). He dabbles in music, apparently, and his second album, It’s Only Time, was released by Universal Motown in December 2006. While I have no real preconceived notions of the boy, my instincts tell me I’d have no interest in his musical output. I’m glad I chose to override my instincts this go round.

The Beatles, specifically Yellow Submarine-era, are an obvious influence, but whether accidentally or on purpose, it’s impossible upon hearing this CD not to think of Jellyfish. The slick, polished arrangements and Andy Sturmer-like voice recall beyond flattery the oft-cited, under-selling early 90’s power-pop band. If you’ve ever heard 1990’s Bellybutton or 1993’s more ornate, Queen-like Spilt Milk, you will immediately recognize this precise imitation. The first track, “Up Periscope,” is a Jellyfish song through and through. During the kind of silly nautical intro, the voice over the intercom even says, “Do what you can do to avoid those jellyfish.” The guitar strum of “Makes Me Happy” is a direct cop of “Baby’s Coming Back.” Given the fact that this disc is presumably geared to teen girls, and Jellyfish’s relatively unknown status and commercial failure, it is easy to assume this is all coincidence, but one never knows.

What teen girls like makes even less sense to me now than when I was a teen boy, but I can’t figure them swallowing this CD beyond thinking the cover shot is dreamy. Sure, the lyrics are all boy-meets-girl stuff, but the shimmery, sweeping arrangements, thick harmonies, and weird instrumentation, sound enticingly out of place here. This is not R&B-flavored, over-singing boy band material. A few of these tunes, “I Know,” and the title track especially, would fit right in on Radio Disney, and even those are good songs. For the most part, though, this is an odd little sugary confection, a left-field surprise for power-pop lovers out there. As with any teen star, it’s hard to know if this is his vision or one of his handlers,’ but a little insight may be offered in the chorus to “Fool The World,” which says, “Everyone would love me, if I could fool the world.” Seeing as it will be nearly impossible for Bell to be taken seriously by the out-of-high-school music buying public, that statement rings surprisingly true.

Listen. For me the most Jellyfish moment on this entire album comes at 4:50 during this sample (the last sung line.)

Also you can check out his website for streaming audio of two more songs in the upper right hand corner. Click on "Media" and watch the video for "I Know." (I really want to cut his hair.)

Just A Note

Dear Mr. Wallpaper Installer,
I noticed your van in a parking lot today and wanted to offer you a few suggestions.

1. The large sticker/sign on your van reads "Wallpaper Installer." In the future, you might want to make sure it is hung straight as you are in the business of hanging things.

2. The edges of your large sticker/sign "Wallpaper Installer" are curling up. This also tends to make me think you don't do such great work.

3. You also might want to include a phone number on your sign, unless you specialize in driving up to locations and cold calling people that might need some paper hung.

I wrote my blog address on your sticker/sign and I'm hoping that you found your way here. Anyway, just thought you'd want a little constructive criticism. Happy to help.

Bill

You Asked For It

Overweight? Stop looking at fat people. Want a new car? Visualize yourself sitting behind the wheel.

Last week Newsweek had an article on a book and DVD titled The Secret by Rhonda Byrne that Oprah and Ellen Degeneres have featured on their shows. Oprah actually devoted two shows to The Secret.

(Please read the article here before you continue. What follows I have written assuming that you have.)

Let me begin by saying that I haven't read the book and am only commenting on what I learned while reading the article in Newsweek. But something appeared obvious to me that the article either failed to mention or intentionally avoided. It is the biggest conceit within The Secret.

As mentioned in the article, The Secret can be boiled down to the three word mantra: Ask. Believe. Receive. But I believe that this "Secret" has been around for thousands of years. According to the article, Oprah claimed to have been living by this philosophy her entire life without realizing it. And look how successful she is! It must work!

I suggest that the majority of people on this earth live by this creed already. I think that it has been around for thousands of years because "Ask. Believe. Receive." is the basis of most, if not all, religions of the world. It's called prayer: Ask God. Believe God is listening. God will answer your prayers.

The difference between prayer and what The Secret promises is that while practicing the Law of Attraction you hold all the responsibility for your fate. If you don't get what you want it's your fault for thinking negatively. Bad things happen to you? It's because you worry too much. In contrast, prayer puts the granting of your wishes in God's hands. If your prayers aren't answered it's because it's not part of God's plan. The Secret puts everything in the lap of the person using it. This self-help philosphy seems to hold the potential for destroying the person practicing it.

Aside from the fact that this "new" way to live isn't new, the most disturbing part of the article for me is this passage:

"The law of attraction is that each one of us is determining the frequency that we're on by what we're thinking and feeling," Byrne said in a telephone interview, in response to a question about the massacre in Rwanda. "If we are in fear, if we're feeling in our lives that we're victims and feeling powerless, then we are on a frequency of attracting those things to us ... totally unconsciously, totally innocently, totally all of those words that are so important."

If an infant is murdered is Byrne suggesting that the infant was thinking negatively? Therefore the infant had it coming? Or is it a parent's fault that they weren't visualizing good things for their child?

I can't properly put into words how worked up this article has gotten me. It makes me wish that some horrible fate befall the author, Byrne. I find myself wanting her to physically suffer to the point that she truly regrets hawking this crap. I want her to suffer until she publicly abandons her own "convictions" and returns the money she has made as penance.

But apparently I'm in the minority. Nearly 1.5 million of her DVDs have been sold and 1.75 million of her books are in print. Here's hoping none of them read this and try their mojo on me. Here's hoping I'm not wrong.

The White Whale Turns 1000

That's right. We have hit 1000 visitors. Here are some stats:

--The average visitor has visited the site 200 times.

--As a visitor, there is a 1 in 5 chance you were the 1000th visitor.

Thanks for playing with me.

Prince's Kiss

My latest Pop-Up-Video Minus The Video is now available on YouTube. Below is the link to it as well as Prince's Kiss video that is discussed during it.

Prince's Kiss Video
My Pop-Up-Video Minus The Video of the song.

For some reason the video and audio are out of sync in the first couple of seconds but they correct themselves. I uploaded a few times to try and resolve it. Oh well. Suffer Pope.

I Should Give Up Already

First, I piss people off; now this. I found this blog a few months ago and now feel like sharing. Don Shank posts his doodles and "scraps" on his blog. I love his stuff and it makes me feel like my blog is a complete waste of time. This guy's stuff is so cool and he's constantly creating. His profile says that he's a Geometry Architect. I think he's really an artist working in movin' pictures. He apparently had something to do with concept art for The Incredibles as shown in one of his posts.

A warning: Most of his posts are of lines, trees, a character named Kurt, and other doodles. But he does throw in the occasional endowed nude woman (think of what an invitation to the Playboy Mansion would have looked like in the sixties.) And honestly, if I could draw and paint like he does I probably would draw neckid women too.

An Open Apology

I have in the past made posts or comments on this blog that have been taken in ways other than I have intended. It is never my intention to address problems with my friends or other readers through this medium. I view this blog as drivel. It really is stuff that just pours out of my head and I should try a little harder to regulate the flow or at least control it.

With this blog, in its limited history, I have managed to offend some of you who have commented about it. I fear that I have offended more who haven't. In most cases I see only too late how my comments have been taken the wrong way. Sometimes, though, I can't understand how people got the wrong idea (a few people have asked me which friend's child destroyed my Dracula even though I said that it was a stranger's child.)

Let me say, for the record, that if I ever have a problem with any of you, I won't use this blog as my means of addressing it. I think more of our friendships than to do that. This is not my only means of communicating. It's just a "clearinghouse" for all of the thoughts that are either not important enough to mention in everyday conversation or are on my mind at the moment. It's just cheaper than therapy.

Please believe me when I say, "I am sorry."

The Golden Dogs Comin' On Strong

I recently ordered a bunch of new music from a record store and was surprised to find that one of the cd's was a whopping $23.00. It apparently is only available in Canada or you can buy it in the US as an import. I realized too late that I could have downloaded it from iTunes for $9.99.

But my shock at the price has dissolved upon repeated listenings. You see, I bought this record on the strength of the only song that I had heard from it. It's a gamble I've taken before that sometimes doesn't pay off. But other times I find bands that I really like, and this album is well worth the price.

Anyway, this album rocks. Literally. It's a superball of energy ricocheting around the inside of the shower (remember?) A lot of the comments on iTunes mention the B-52's but I can't find any similarities other than the fact that sometimes the female vocalist sounds a little like Kate Pierson. No, I see these guys more like an angry Sugarplastic mixed with The New Pornographers. They definitely have the pop sensibilities and have turned the amps up a little more.

Stand out tracks on the album include "Saints At The Gates" which sounds like Pink Floyd's "The Trial" mixed with Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk" sung by Tom Waites. Sound odd? Well it rocks. It's the song you play fourth in a set to really get the crowd with you. Listen to a sample here.

Track number seven titled "Strong" channels Carl Newman's ensemble to the point that I think Neko Case has joined The Golden Dogs and is singing. (I found a note scribbled on a piece of paper while driving that noted how much I liked this song, which I heard on XM Radio. It's what got me to look into them on the internet.) Listen to a sample here. Hang in there for the last thirty seconds when they start trading "downs."

"Never Meant Any Harm" is the track that initiated this purchase and is still my favorite. As I mentioned in a previous post, the keyboard in this song borrows from the Cars' "Hello Again."

All of the tracks can be listened to in their entirety on the band's website. And while I invoke other bands and songs in my description of the album, let me make it clear that I think this is something new and great. I love it.

Consider downloading it from iTunes or somewhere else. Like I said, it was worth the $23.00 in my opinion, but I don't think the band will see any of that extra money. So save the dough and buy a shirt at the show when they come to town. I'll see you there.

West Elm = The Devil

This is the e-mail exchange I had today with West Elm Customer Service. We bought a bed frame and headboard from them. Read below about how I will never ever use them again.

My original e-mail -


I wanted to write to tell you how unhappy I am with my experience ordering furniture from you.

We ordered a bed frame and headboard. The bed frame arrived and was not finished. By "not finished" I mean that holes were either not drilled or were off by 1/2 inch making the bed impossible to assemble. I contacted customer service and Amanda #2440 was very helpful and made me happy again. She arranged for another bed frame to be delivered and for the trouble she refunded 15% of my order. I was happy.

We received the new frame and I called to have you arrange to have the bad one picked up by UPS. They only picked up one of the two boxes. I then had to call again and have you send UPS out again.

Last weekend we were supposed to receive the headboard and had been given a timeframe at which it would be delivered. Then we received a call telling us that something had happened with the truck and delivery would be rescheduled. It was rescheduled for 9 to 11 a.m. today.

Our doorbell rang at 6:30 this morning! The driver said they had tried to call us. I replied that we turn our phones off while we're asleep.

What's more, the box the headboard is packaged in is completely destroyed. (Every box I have received from you is either completely destroyed upon delivery or just holding on) It looks like it has been repaired previously. The headboard appears to be in okay condition but I am not removing it until my camera battery can charge and I can take a picture of the box's condition at delivery in case there is damage. I am wondering now if waking someone up to deliver in the dark is a good way to get them to accept damaged merchandise.

As I said, I am very disappointed with your company in all aspects, except for operator #2440.

William V.


Their reply -


William,

west elm strives to offer quality merchandise and service to our customers. When it is brought to our attention that we have not met our customers' expectations, it is disheartening to us. We appreciate the time you took to share your experience with us. We will forward your concerns to the appropriate department. If the Head Board has damage, please contact our furniture team at 800-621-4097 and we will be happy to arrange the pick up and replacement. Again, we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this has caused. If we may be of any further assistance, please contact us.

Regards,

Kristina Hunter
west elm
Customer Service


My reply -


West Elm Customer Service,

Your reply to my e-mail is a cookie cutter response full of standard phrasing designed to placate. Unfortunately, it has had the opposite effect. It is as though you only skimmed my e-mail; an e-mail that contained concerns which bothered me enough to write to you at 6:40 in the morning. Do you cut and paste from a list of phrases?

And your reply has a finality to it. You apologize for not meeting the "customer's expectations" while never directly mentioning the fact that your shipper woke me up this morning from a dead sleep at 6:30 (a morning that, coincidentally, I had arranged for my children to stay with their grandparents so that my wife and I could sleep in.) And you don't address why they did it. You are going to "forward my concerns" but don't indicate that you are actually going to look into it and get back to me.

Let me reiterate that the generality of your reply has removed all doubt as to whether I will use your company again; I won't and regret my purchase. I plan to share this e-mail exchange and the details of my purchase experience on the internet in every way possible to insure that others do not make the same mistake.

Customer Service Representative Amanda, #2440, should be commended for delivering excellent customer service, which is apparently in short supply in your company.


Congratulations,

William V.

How Peter Pan Gets All-Up-In-Ya

Guess who was sick since Saturday? That's right, yours truly. It started with an uneasy feeling in my stomach on Saturday afternoon. I remarked to Paula that I thought I would feel better if I made myself sick. That moved right into four fun filled days at home in the bathroom as my system, unbeknownst to me, fought the dreaded scourge pictured at right. That's right, salmonella! Paula called me last night at work and said that our Peter Pan peanut butter bore the mark on the lid identifying it as a culprit in the many, many salmonella poisonings. Sweeet. Curse you, Pan!



Of course, I had considered using this image and titling this entry "Pan Gets The Captain In The Behind" but decided not to do so for fear it would be in bad taste.

Pop Quiz

1. If invited to a stranger's house for dinner, you should:

a. Let your child run wild, rip a page out of your host's hardcover Dracula, illustrated by Edward Gorey, and make a joke about "owing you another Dracula."
b. Sit down to the dinner table first and sit at the head of your host's table
c. Both A and B
d. None of the above

2. If your host has a problem with your answer to Question 1, he is:

a. Acting unreasonably
b. Wound too tight
c. Not feeling well
d. Completely justified expecting you to act courteously and respect his house.

Photo Caption Contest: Death In A Red Shirt

Mr. Doob was right when he commented that this one was harder than the rest. I, myself, never came up with anything worth submitting. It was disappointing but time not completely wasted.

After a long silence here are the results:


First Place:
Mr. Doob with "Sir...it's Chekov...he want to show me his 'wessel.'" It was the best of anything submitted for the fact that he used the plural "want."
Score: 85

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Sir...it's the Klingon Commander...he wants to uncloak his Bird of Prey."
Score: 80

Third Place:
Jeremy Frye with "Sir, it's an Earth mexican restaurant. They want to know how much for the painting." for bringing the Latino community a little closer to Star Trek. After all, Montalban was the only one they allowed on the ship. And he was banned forever after because he was a "superior intellect."
Score: 70