Et Tu Pfizer?

(Warning: The following may contain whining and alleged victimization.)

I've been sick for the past week. It started out with severe flu-like symptoms but the body-ache went away after 24 hours leaving me with the congestion and cough. In the past I have tried most of the decongestants with little success except for Sudafed Non-Drying Sinus. That stuff rocks! I mean, you can feel your sinuses clear within two minutes of taking the pills. Seriously.

This particular product, along with all of the other meth-making decongestants, has been kept behind the pharmacy counter for at least the past year. You have to show ID and you have to sign. You also are limited to the number of boxes that you can buy.

Today, however, I have been to four pharmacies and have been unable to locate Sudafed Non-Drying Sinus. Two of the pharmacists said that they had never heard of it to which I replied, "you have kept it behind the pharmacy counter for months. I have bought it here many times." The other two claim the product is no longer available.

The first pharmacist, one of the two that said it had been discontinued, prompted me to look on the Sudafed website. My med of choice is in the exact middle of the picture of all of the Sudafed products. If you ask the website for information about it, you get all of the pros and cons and other stuff listed on the box. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere is there anything saying that it has been discontinued. And so I went to three more pharmacies.

As a matter of fact, in the FAQ section it plainly states that even though they have intruduced a whole new line of decongestants, the old Sudafed medicines will still be available. (On their website, to answer the question why did they introduce an entirely new line of decongestants, they say, "As a responsible corporate citizen, we at Pfizer have been working in partnership with government, law enforcement and retailers to address the issue of continued consumer access to effective cold and sinus medicines. That’s why we’ve reformulated a new Pseudoephedrine-free line of decongestants called Sudafed PE™, which will be sold together with the original Sudafed line." So the old meth-making stuff is still available! That will surely stem the meth tide.)

Anyway, so I don't feel good AND I'm angry. I wrote Pfizer, the company that makes Sudafed, an e-mail asking for the location of a pharmacy in my area that sells the drug. Or they could update their frikkin' website. Their choice.

I'm done. I'm sorry that this lacked any real information. I'm sorry that it was poorly stuctured and didn't carry the reader along an "arc." I'm sorry that with this entry my blog has de-evolved into what most blogs are; a place for people to complain to a surely vast and imaginary audience.

Captioning With The Stars: The Results Show

After very little deliberation here are the results:

First Place:
Jeremy Frye with "No, I said, 'Duck, Rogers!' Like, a command. Why would I just shout out, 'Buck Rogers?!?'"

I can't really explain it. Maybe it was the well chosen wording. I don't know but I laughed over this one every time I read it. No deductions. It's perfect. Score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Houston...I have a problem.The Eagle has landed...in my pants." for it's infantile and head-on approach. He evokes the spirit of Triumph The Insult Comic.

Minus 20 points for adapting an existing quote. Plus 5 points for giving me the idea for the next caption contest. Score: 85

Third Place:
Wm. with "I'm opening your rod bay door pal." for taking one of the most memorable quotes from what is regarded by some to be the greatest science fiction movie made...and making it gay.

Minus 20 points for giving yourself third place. Score: 80

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "am i crazy or was it a different picture earlier today?" It didn't work at first, but the more I thought about the photo and this quote as something one of them was saying, the more funny it became. It's so far out there it's funny.

Minus 21 points. Ooooohhhh! So Close! Score: 79


Now this picture drew the most submissions so far; 38. And some of them were downright hilarious.

(Also, I remembered something that I learned when Keith and I were going to Dad's Garage regularly; the more rules you place on it, the funnier it is.)

First Place:
Helen the Greek with "You had me at hello." from Jerry Maguire. Far from the obvious. Fresh. Hilarious.

This one's a winner. Another perfect score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille." from Cool Hand Luke. This was almost first place but I felt that my love for that particular movie and the fact that I desperately want to be Paul Newman might be clouding my judgement.

Minus 1 point for making me feel conflicted. Score: 99

Third Place:
Boom Boom Becca with "Andie, hon. Listen, it's after 7:00. Don't waste good lip gloss." from Pretty in Pink. I don't know what I found more funny; the quote or the pattern of movies from which all of her submissions were culled.

Minus 5 points for applying a nighttime qoute to a picture obviously taken in the day. Score: (a very respectable) 95

Honorable Mention:
Jeremy Frye with "I first saw her at Palantine Campaign headquarters at 63rd and Broadway. She was wearing a white dress. She appeared like an angel. Out of this filthy mess, she is alone. They... cannot... touch... her." from Taxi Driver. I admired the fact that he found a quote that seemed to focus on the dress. I was looking for movie qoutes about horses and battleships.

Minus 10 points for picking Scorcese since I don't really like any of his movies. Score: 90

Awesome Photo Caption Contest

While judging of the previous contest is completed we are moving on to the next picture. The rules for this one are simple: Your caption must be a quote from a movie. (Include the name of the movie.)

No adaptions of quotes will be accepted. Also no gay jokes. They seem to keep popping up and they're just too easy.

I know what you're thinking, "Great! Movie quotes! How will the rest of us compete?!" Well, the only people who have left comments in the past have all been well studied in the art of movie speak.

About the picture - it's real. No photoshop involved. Just all woman. "What do you want me to do? Draw you a picture? Spell it out? Don't ever ask me! Long as you live, don't ever ask me more."

YouTube Comments

The host of the Polyphonic Spree Forum sent me an e-mail about how much he liked my "interpretation" of Suitcase Calling that I posted on YouTube. That made me feel pretty good. Someone else left a comment below the post that said, "you really didn't need the commentary, It would have been nicer with an interestin video to go with it." I guess some people just don't get it.

It's Photo Caption Contest Time Again

You know it's not as easy as you think. Go to Google images and search the words "hilarious," "funny," or "weird" and look at how many of the pictures involve cats. (What makes cat owners do this? It makes me think the internet may be evil after all.)

Anyway, there are no rules for this one. Just straight forward caption-making. Good luck.

Used To Be At The Bottom Of The Stairs

"Nobody is Perfect. Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities, and some, perhaps, not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should recognize his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good, son-of-a-bitch."

That hung framed in my grandparent's house for as long as I can remember. Over the years it moved to different walls, but it was always there. And it was always true. I was reminded of it while contemplating the demise of the aforementioned Assistant Chief.

Good News Everyone!

I just got a phone call from one of the guys at work.

You see I get called down for drug/alcohol tests all of the time. I think it has something to do with the fact that the Dicktor (that's right I said Dicktor not doctor) at the county health center falsely diagnosed me with "probable alcoholic hepatitis" (never had a drink). I called his diagnosis baseless and he said it wasn't a diagnosis because he only said probable. I fought to have it expunged from my file and lost. We had an hour long meeting which ended with a heated exchange and some choice words.

Anyway, Larry says I get called down because I'm a sure negative and that will keep the department's numbers good. Well, someone else decided to negatively affect the numbers. An Assistant Chief, whom many said would be the next director of the department, a man so consumed with image that he was called Chief Bling behind his back, apparently tried to smuggle someone else's urine into the health center. When confronted he was given the opportunity to test again and either refused or failed. He resigned under impending termination.

This man was in a position to command large scale fires and disasters, where citizens and firefighters' lives are in direct danger. The possibility of him doing so under the influence floors me. How could you live with yourself if someone else got hurt or killed? Then again, how could you live with yourself knowing that everyone knows you had someone else's urine in your pocket?

Long live drug testing.

A Cycling Sicko

I walk Ben home from school most days that I can. Actually we walk and ride. We walk with one of Ben's classmates and her mother. There is a point in the neighborhood when we part ways. We usually have not finished talking before this so we wrap it up while standing on the corner. From this point home I ride my bike and Ben rides his scooter.

Yesterday, while wrapping it up, a van pulled up and stopped. The passenger window rolled down and I said "hi" to the man in his early sixties but he didn't even acknowledge me. He spoke directly to Missy, the mother, and said, "is everything okay?" Missy and I were confused. We looked at each other. She didn't immediately respond and he said it again more insistent on getting an answer. "Is everything okay?" Missy replied, "Everything is great, why?" He replied something to the effect that she and her daughter looked like they might be in trouble.

Now, if standing on the corner talking and smiling while your children look at an ant mound looks like trouble...we're in trouble. There's a part of me that was glad this guy was willing to check on someone but what did he think I was? A pedophile or rapist whose modus operandi is to pedal up and then strike in broad daylight? And what was he going to do? I am thin compared to him and have half his years? Maybe he thought I was an infirm cycling sicko. Maybe he had a gun on the seat and was itching to squeeze one off at me.

Anyway, the whole thing pissed me off and it still does. But it also struck me as pretty funny. Not funny ha-ha. Just funny weird, I guess.

The Golden Dogs

I just heard these guys. I love this song and the video is really, really cool. Watch the video here or visit their website.

Incidentally, if something about the song sounds familiar, the keyboard is doing a little walk similar to this song.

Troy Revisited

(This was originally posted July 24, 2006.)

I'm not really in a funk but the second offering I make is along the lines of the last. It might be the saddest song ever. From the opening line, "It's the same with men, as with horses and dogs, nothing wants to die," to the last line "the well is full of pennies" this is pound for pound the most tragic, horribly sad, and moving song in my collection.

The song starts with Mr. Waits explaining to his live audience that this song is based on a newspaper article that he read. Therefore we can assume there is a story here, but his lyric is anything but a narrative. It is as though he only studied the pictures that accompanied the article and not the article itself. Gleaning every ounce of detail from them, he creates a painfully real world, the honesty of his uncomplicated words making the whole matter all the more terrible. His story more gut-wrenching for the fact that we fill in the missing pieces to the story with our own versions of tragedy, hurt, and loss.

The worst of all; the final verse. First sung from the point of view of a son watching his mother despair, and in the last lines switching to the mother's voice. She only wants her son back. And "the well is full of pennies."

The link to the song is in the right column of links on this page simply labeled: "Listen."

The Human Element

I had to post the link to this again because it was so good. I went out with friends last night and was talking about this commercial and how much I liked it.

Click here to watch.

Who Is Feeding Your Pet Snake And/Or Tarantula?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Star Wars premiere. Click here to watch one of the funniest ten minutes ever.

I'm A Tuber

So I finally got the whole YouTube uploading thing down. Here are the two Pop-up-audios that I did previously. I understand that some people couldn't watch the movies because they don't have Quicktime. This should fix all of that.

Click here to watch the Suitcase Calling movie. (The first three seconds are messed up on YouTube but the image corrects itself.)

Click here to watch the Someone Saved My Life Tonight movie. (Once again the first few seconds are screwed up.)

Camel Toads

This is an actual article from an advice column. An urban legend website confirmed all details except for whether the anonymous person asking for advice was sincere or writing to be funny. Regardless it is damn funny.

Legion Of Doom Beware

We went Trick-or-Treating last night with some friends. Ben was Mr. Incredible while Luke was either a Careless Superman or a Forgetful Clark Kent. The best moment of the whole night had to be when Luke, who was near the street, saw another Superman come out of the front door of a house and started angrily yelling at him, "Me Superman! Me Superman!"

Solid. Solid As A Rock Jesus

We found the Solid Rock Church in Ohio on our return trip. It features this sweet display facing I-75. Oddly enough the website says that Jesus is constructed of wood and styrofoam over steel. Rock would have been too much of a pun I guess.

Arby's Makes A Joke That Doesn't Have Anything To Do With Their Fries

This was posted in the Arby's next to the hotel we stayed in. I thought it was hilarious that the 3000th Arby's was #6618.

The Promised Land

Seems that I keep meeting people from Ohio. That's right. Keep meeting them everywhere but Ohio. Most of them love it which begs the question, "why did they ever leave?"

So I took the opportunity of Paula's cousin's wedding to visit the great state this last weekend. We borrowed my father-in-law's Land Cruiser (I owe him big time for that one because it made the nine hour drive bearable) and we set off last thursday. The trip up was okay and the boys behaved for the most part. The GPS navigational system in the Land Cruiser rules. Might have to get one of those.

We went to Tipp City, Ohio and stayed in a Holiday Inn Express. First thing you notice in the hotel is how many smoking rooms there are and how much they smell up the rest of the floor. The next thing you notice is the unbearable heat. Turns out the people in Ohio hate the cold more than southern folks do.

Friday, I and the boys, with Judy's Walt and Paula's uncle John went to the Air Force Museum in Dayton. It's really three huge airplane hangers loaded with just about every kind of plane the Air Force has ever flown with some rockets thrown in for good measure.
This picture is just to give you perspective on the size of these hangars. We are standing in the middle looking left. There is a whole other half to this hangar and two more this size.

That's right. An old plane circa WWI and Luke with his hands down his pants.

Luke strikes a pose in front of the models, which the boys seemed to like more than the real thing. Go figure.

This was taken inside one of the bombers. The boys are standing in the bomb compartment. I told them to look scared of all of the bombs. The tube at the top of the photo was for crewmen to slither through if they needed to get to the back of the plane. That way they didn't have to go near the bombs. Pretty smart.

Just a cool photo of a fighter.

We learned that day that Paula's Uncle Michael, who had also come up for the wedding, was a tailgunner in a B-24 over Europe during World War II. He didn't really talk about it much and that was okay by me since he seemed haunted by the experience. Here are some pictures of the B-24 that is in the museum.

This is a B-24 Bomber.

That's the tailgunner's position where Paula's uncle flew over Europe. He said he flew six missions which, "was six too damn many."

This is Uncle Michael, with his wife Helen, who is Paula's aunt/Judy's sister.

Saturday was the wedding. After the wedding party had all entered, just before the bride was to walk down the aisle, one of the wedding party picked up a large roll of rice paper and began walking it down the aisle toward the back of the church as it payed out. The only problem was that apparently they hadn't tried it before the actual ceremony and the paper ran out not even halfway down the aisle much to the surprise of the guy assigned the duty who just keeps going with the empty spool. Meanwhile the jagged end of the paper starts to turn up and then roll itself up in slow motion. Everyone on the aisle, including myself was transfixed on the image as it steadily marched back up toward the altar. A man jumped out from a pew (I was in the back of the church too far away to be a wedding hero, of course) stopped its progression and folded it under. I believe that I will start crashing weddings for the comedy.

Here are some pictures from the reception.

Judy and the boys. Don't they all look sooo-a-nice.

That's Paula's Grandmother Lois, her Aunt Carolyn, and Paula. Aunt Carolyn's daughter was the one that got married. Ben took this picture.

Luke cuts a mean rug with his Nana. He was a machine and had to be dragged off of the dancefloor.

Ben dances with Mommy. Check out Paula's expression. That's right, she's all mine.

At some point in every party the table decorations end up as hats. This was that point.

Overall, not a bad trip. We had a lot of fun.