More Stupid Stuff People Say

A friend of mine called me to ask if I had been watching Fox5 News this morning. Apparently the following was said:

"Were there any isolated incidents of widespread storm damage?"

This, of course, reminded me of the time one of our local weathermen named Flip Spiceland (that's right) said something like the following:

"Now I know I told you yesterday that it was going to rain, but it did. It's just that none of it reached the ground."

This Speaks For Itself

Photo Caption Contest: When Television Was Really Really Really Awful

I Googled the word "damaged" and this photo came up as one of the first returns in their image database. It is apparently from Episode 225 of ER which originally aired in 2004. And, yes, that's a shark on someone's leg.

I've had a problem with that show for a long time. For me, ER "jumped the shark" not long after its inception. But if there was any doubt left for you, this picture should take care of that.

So here's the assignment: You know those little blurbs about episodes of shows in TV Guide? Well, write one of those for this picture. It can be for any show, real or imaginary.

When Television Was Awesome

I just stumbled upon the intro to Space 1999 and I was blown away. I remembered it being cool but I had completely forgotten just how cool. Anyway, it got me thinking: What are the all-time great beginnings to television shows. I'm not talking theme music. I'm talking about the marriage of great theme music with awesome visuals. Three that immediately come to mind are below.


Space 1999
This is awesome for so many reasons that should be obvious - the overly dramatic theme, the quick cuts of non-action scenes including people walking and people standing, the title cards that scream at you hints of what's to come in tonight's episode. I could go on and on.




The Streets of San Francisco
This might be my all time favorite. One of the channels years ago used to run this all the time. I was addicted. I love it for the funky theme and the off-beat cuts. Also, the graphics of the bars sliding in to reveal the actors is brilliant. Quinn Martin productions always had guest stars, which was code for we can't pay them enough so we put their faces and names in the opening sequence as part of their salary. Every episode had a title, four acts, and an epilogue where we most likely learned our lesson.

The Rockford Files
I would have embedded the video but the guy that uploaded it to YouTube disabled embedding. Dunno why. Anyway you can view it there if you click on the link above. I love it for the answering machine message at the beginning which always somehow poked fun at Rockford's condition in life. Right when the punchline of the message hit the theme started not unlike the snare/cymbal kick that horrible comedian's used to use to drive jokes home. The visuals for the opening sequence are actually stills but are edited to infer motion. It's really kind of cool and something that I always wanted to rip off when I was still considering doing that kind of thing for a living.

What Did She Say?

I was surfing the channels and came across Entertainment Tonight. Now, I don't watch those kind of shows because they are exactly the kind of sensationalism that I think will be the death of society. I know that the cable company is keeping track of what I'm watching so I make sure I don't let them think I'm even considering it.

However, as I'm surfing the story is about a teen that auditioned for American Idol named Temptress and her mother "going out to a restaurant." The mother is about 600 lbs and only able to move via a large wheelchair. Temptress herself is, by my estimation, around 300 lbs.

Don't get me wrong; I truly sympathize with the morbidly obese. I believe that there are yet undiscovered genetic factors which contribute to the condition. Everyone's body is different. But in the end, you have to agree that regardless of why you do it, it's all about how much food you put into your body.

Anyway, in the restaurant her mother remarks to the cameras, "I know I'm not the best example for Temptress. I just don't want to be too hard on her. I don't want her to be bulimic or anorexic."

Long pause. Back the Tivo up and turn on the closed captioning.............Yeah, she said it. She's afraid of her 300 lbs daughter developing an eating disorder.

Maybe it was the pressure of being in front of the cameras and not being able to think of anything to say. Maybe she really thinks that. Regardless, it's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard someone say. It ranks right up there with "I didn't inhale."

So then, why did Entertainment Tonight broadcast that sound bite as one of the few things that her mother says during the whole segment? The clip leads you to believe that the show facilitated getting her mother out and to the restaurant. It was produced to be a feel-good piece. So why intentionally leave in a comment that makes the mother look so ignorant?

You know, I began this entry merely to log something ridiculous that I heard. But as I wrote I realized that the really ridiculous part of the whole thing was the part the producers played. I'm off to e-mail the show.

Don't watch that show or any like them. That crap will rot your brain. Really.

I'm Concerned About How Eager You Are To Incorrectly Use The Word Anxious

Alright, folks. Let's clear this up once and for all:

To be "anxious" about something infers hesitation, nervousness, unease, fearfulness, trepidation...in a word: anxiety. You aren't anxious to open Christmas gifts unless you're wondering why the box with holes in it isn't making sounds anymore. Be "eager" all you want. It's the pleasant one.

P.S. It's not, "I could care less" unless you are trying to illustrate that very point. The expression is "I couldn't care less." As in I have nothing left to give you; I'm at the bottom.

And I do care that you keep saying this wrong. But it's possible you couldn't care less that I care.

REQUESTED ADDENDUM: Chosen©er has commented that he would like me to address the difference between "flesh out" and "flush out."

As noted on the website Common Errors In English, located in the links to the right, the two terms are not interchangeable but are somewhat similar. I quote their entry:

To “flesh out” an idea is to give it substance, as a sculptor adds clay flesh to a skeletal armature. To “flush out” a criminal is to drive him or her out into the open. The latter term is derived from bird-hunting, in which one flushes out a covey of quail. If you are trying to develop something further, use “flesh”; but if you are trying to reveal something hitherto concealed, use “flush.”

That's pretty straightforward, but, then, so was the whole "couldn't care less" issue. Confusion is to be expected in situations involving a partial truth that is being withheld for an unspecified reason. For instance, if a murderer was being interrogated by the police, they might want to flesh out the details of how he committed the crime, of which they might know some of the details, while flushing out a motive from the perpetrator.

Things get really confusing if the victim is a rhinoceros and the murderer is a bird hiding in grass. I would be anxious about interrogating the bird.

Who Wears The Pants Around Here, Anyway?

Many of you that know me know that I don't give a rat's ass about football or any other sport. Which if you listen to the throngs of women who lament their husbands' devotion to sports should be good thing. Or so I thought.

My wife, who previously has only expressed occasional interest in sports and only if it involved a group of people, informed me mid-week that she needed to watch the Superbowl so that she would be able to talk about it on her business trip this week. Go figure.

Now, she had bought some new slacks for her trip, but they were an inch and a half too long. There wasn't any time to take them for professional alterations so I broke out the Singer manual for the sewing machine and started reading. That's right, while the Superbowl played in the den, I sat in the kitchen learning how to sew a blindstitch.

A blindstitch is particularly difficult because of having to tweak the settings on the machine to get it just right. The fact that the pants I was altering were purchased earlier in the day for $120.00 didn't help. Nor did the cursory instructions in the manual which amounted to three poorly illustrated steps.

In the end, the whole alteration took about three hours because there was a serious learning curve to overcome. But I must say that I'm really proud of the job I did. The pants look good.

Now, some of you might accuse me of being metrosexual for my transgression against THE testament to testosterone ("a lot of alliteration from anxious anchors"). But let me assure you I am not. For one, God didn't give me an affinity for hair care products...or the head of hair to use them on. And aren't footballs sewn, anyway? Damn right they are!