Another Dam Photo Caption Contest Is Closed. Jeremy?

Here are the Beaver Suicide Note winners according to her Honor Judge Paula:

First Place:
Boom Boom Becca for "Been nice gnawing you."

Simple and hilarious and first to post. Minus five points for the pun. Minus another five points for the shameless begging. Overall score = 90.

Second Place:
Wm. for "Marjorie, If you're reading this then you should know that it was your persistent nagging that led me to take such drastic measures. Your neverending pushing to keep up with the Muckrucks and that ostentatious upstream monstrosity they call a lodge has driven me to this. I've also seen the way you watch him slap-pack mud and sticks with that tail of his. Did you think I didn't know? So yes, it is our tree that I have chosen to die under and that you will find me beneath.

You were, at least, a good mother. Take care of the kits. There is money in the old stump by the rock that I was secretly saving. I think Sara is going to need braces in a few years.

Byron

P.S. The tree didn't crush my skull as planned but I am now trapped. If you don't find me first it will be a long slow death..........not unlike our marriage............ bitch."

Minus 17 points for being married to the judge. Overall score = 83

Third Place:
Mr. Doob for "To whom it may concern, I can no longer live with the knowledge that beavers, as a rule, are damaging the ecology of this planet. I recently had my Greenpeace membership revoked.Where is an ecologically conscious mammal to go? Let this act serve as a message to beavers of the world.

Wood is Murder.

Spotted owls be damned.

Yours in martyrdom,
A. Beaver"

Minus 20 points for naming the beaver "A. Beaver." Overall score = 80

Honorable Mention:
Chosen©er for "Forgive me, Wally."

Minus 45 points for winning the last two contests. Overall score = 55

Honorable Mention:
Helen the Greek for "I didn't see this coming."

Minus 72 points for a suicide note in which the writer is surprised he is dead. Overall score = 28

Congratulations to you all. You will all be receiving your prize COD. Have $83.56 ready (and it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a little something for tip.)

Jury Duty Update

I just found this picture on the internet of the dude that we convicted of stabbing the other dude.

Is there anyone other than Keith that gets this one?

Domo arigato Mr. Roberto.

Another Dam Photo Caption Contest

So here it is. Your next opportunity to be witty and impress all five people reading this.

This photo is an obvious fabrication. If the sheer improbability won't sell you then maybe the artist's name on the tree in the lower left corner can. I found it in an online collection of "funny photos," which it is neither.

But let's suppose for a second that it's straight out of the National Geographic (I've been nominated for membership). Further, let's suppose that Mr. Beaver did it on purpose...and that he left a note.

That's right, the assignment for this contest is to write a suicide note for a beaver. Good Ruck.

Why Are I So Dumb?

There are a few words which I keep hearing but can't seem to remember the definition of. I look them up and then forget. Then some lame-asses get together and use one of the words three times in a single issue of a magazine. Here they are in no particular order:

Sycophant - a servile flatterer. (Nothing comes to mind on this one.)
Hubris - excessive pride or self-confidence. (Makes me think of chickpeas and crackers.)
Obsequious - excessively attentive. (I keep thinking this is a kind of triangle.)
Paradigm Shift - a fundamental change in approach. (New BMW transmission, right?)

Here are some words that I am nominating to be locked away in the Disney vault:

Proactive, Enabler, Diva, Gravitas, Synergistic, and Reality

Feel free to add to either list in the comments section.

Listen While I Work

Just found this on the internet. Now you can listen to me work from anywhere on the planet. This is a scanner feed of our radio dispatch.

Listen with RealPlayer.
Listen with Windows Media Player.

I use the RealPlayer link. On my computer it downloads a small file and then I can click on the file and listen (as if I don't get enough of this at work). I can't get the Windows Media Player link to work. Maybe it's my computer. All of this can be found on scandekalb.com.

The picture is from the fire in April that I have talked about. Not that you can tell much from the photo, but this was a big fire. The building at the very left of the picture burned to the ground. The flames in the photo are the gas main on fire. This photo was actually taken about two hours into the incident. The gas fed a fire in the basement and the whole thing came down. Swell.

Happies Birthdays

Today is my paternal grandfather's birthday. He would have been 89 years old. I believe he was the greatest man I will ever know.

Jeremy and Michael share a birthday on Sunday and they are good men as well.

Merrin will have a birthday on Monday. She is my very cute niece.

Keith had a birthday on September 3rd that I didn't mention on this blog. He is probably the smartest friend I have.

Happy Birthday to all of you.

A Salty Song

Massive. Fateful. Theatrical. Dreamlike. Longing. Hulking. Eerie. Devastating. Tragic. Gloomy. Significant. Profoundly sad. Fierce. Ambitious. Multi-layered. Relentless. Terrifying. Strange. Bottomless. Black. Tremendous. Heart-rending. Wretched. Striking.

All describe this song. It's older and I found it quite by accident. The first time I heard it I was stopped in my tracks and for the next three days I listened to it over and over. How could something this incredible escape a broader audience? And so I offer it to you.

It begins with a hauntingly calm call for "all hands on deck" and continues "let no one leave alive." This song deceptively and skillfully paints the auditory equivalent of a terrible shipwreck, which from the consenting tone of the narrator seems to be anticipated and unavoidable. But this isn't the story of a ship which is sinking, but a ship sailing to another land from where the sailors will not return; a celebration of the soul's ultimate liberation.

(Formerly A Salty Dog by Procol Harum. This song has been removed from the rotation.)

The Convoluted Genius Of R. Kelly

For those of you not familiar with R. Kelly's Trapped In The Closet, let me refer you to the Wikipedia article which gives summaries for all twelve (that's right TWELVE) parts of this "hiphopera." It's a rambling, absurd, and confusing narrative sung entirely by R. Kelly and conspicuously missing a chorus. Mr. Kelly has hinted that there may be more parts to come. Below are links to the twelve existing parts.

Be warned! There are curse words involved including "sh*t," "a**es," "ni**ga," and an unbleeped "fu*k" at the end of chapter five to name a few. There is also simulated unintentionally comical violence and adult situations. But fear not, BET Network gave this a PG rating, as you can see at the beginning of some of the clips. That's right, PG, as in we don't feel that a story of sex, adultery, gay adultery, cursing, the momentary invocation of a christian ethic, token white trash, and a few prominent handguns (and that's all in just the first six chapters) warrant the harsh restrictions of the PG-13 rating. Apparently, young kids should be able to watch this and laugh, I mean learn. (Chapters 7-12 have been uploaded from the original with language intact.)

Seriously, this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It seems like a lot to watch but it's worth it. Revel in its badness.

Trapped In The Closet Chapter 1
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 2
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 3
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 4
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 5
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 6
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 7
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 8
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 9
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 10
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 11
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 12

Things I Really Don't Like

1. Meth.
2. Meth Mothers.
3. Meth Mothers covered in sores.
4. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor.
5. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early.
6. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital.
7. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing."
8. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing" and then lecture you about the evils of your medicines.
9. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing" and then lecture you about the evils of your medicines even though they called you.
10. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing" and then lecture you about the evils of your medicines, even though they called you, and how much healthier some woman is in Africa because she has only eaten dirt for forty years.
11. Meth Mothers that argue in circles.
12. Meth Mothers willing to jeopardize the health of their newborn for fear of being found out they are on meth.
13. Meth Mothers that think we don't know they're on meth.

Wiki Wiki Wiki

I came upon the word "pusillanimous" in the lyrics of a Rutles song. I looked it up and found out it meant "cowardly." It then occured to me that the "p" word, when used as an insult, is probably a variation of "pusillanimous." I mean it fits. After all, what is particularly insulting about calling someone a cat or female genitalia? However, call me a coward and get ready to see how I roll.

Seriously though, so I looked the "p" word up on Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia. It lists the origins of the word for all of its meanings but none seemed to fit as well as "pusillanimous." Noting the hole in the encyclopedia I was compelled to fill it. Click here to see the entry (note: there aren't any pictures of genitalia. If you want that, as I imagine you already know, it's only too easy to find.)

What's interesting about my theory (I say my theory although I find a few mentions on other pages to the same effect) is that I found a lot of pages with people calling other people "pusillanimous pu**ies." What's the opposite of a contradiction of terms? Maybe an agreement of terms? Anyway, calling someone a cowardly coward is a little ridiculous to me. Perhaps it's a double negative meaning heroic? Probably not. But maybe I've started the ball rolling on a greater understanding of the entymology of the "p" word as an insult.

One can only hope.

Jury Duty Update

I couldn't resist and I googled the defendant's name in the case that I was a juror for (see previous entries below). The actual stabbing in the case I heard took place last November. Turn's out this defendant stabbed someone in July, just four months earlier. It happened in Maine while he was working for an Atlanta company. He apparently left a restaurant with a coworker and in the parking lot decided to stab the guy...wait for it...twice; once in the stomach and once in the bicep. Just as in the case I heard, he represented himself and claimed self-defense only the jurors of Maine believed him and he was acquitted. It was mentioned in the articles that even though a police officer had broken up the fight/stabbing, the knife could not be located.

The only other search return on his name was a verdict in a civil lawsuit regarding alleged procedural errors when he was released from prison at some point earlier than these two stabbings. He sued the warden and lost. Odds are he was in prison for stabbing someone since the little bird told me the stabbing I sat as juror for was his third.

He must have taken the name he goes by now in prison. It's an African phrase for a first name, an area of Africa for a middle name, and a dark color for a last name. I believe that he probably found religion in prison, changed his name, and learned a little bit about the law. But as we all know the only thing more dangerous than not knowing is knowing only a little bit. He is no lawyer, that's for sure.

Photo Caption Contest: Closed

The second photo caption contest has now come to an end. This time we managed to gather twelve submissions from four contributors up from ten submissions from three. Well done.

FIRST PRIZE: "Luke, I'm your mother." by chosen©er.
Awarded once again for its simplicity and subtlety.

SECOND PRIZE: "Dark Lord of Sanrio..." by Jeremy Frye.
Awarded for his use of authentic Sanrio character names as well as the name of the Emperor of Japan.

THIRD PRIZE: "My husband drags me to this sh*t every year." by Helen The Greek.
Awarded for her honest portrayal of the plight of women in America and her unabashed use of profanity.

Well done. You will all recieve the prize below.


That's right! They're laser guided scissors! Just as the advertisement says - Now you can cut perfect straight lines. What the advertisement didn't point out was that these scissors also cut perfectly arced arcs, perfectly wobbly lines, perfect zig-zags, etc. A $20 value!

This Is No Fantasy

I have often commented (to those close enough to me to not immediately characterize me as a loon) that I sometimes wonder if my life is not unlike a "Truman Show" of sorts. I have from time to time experienced days when stranger after stranger seem to look at me a little longer than normal. As if I had something written on my forehead that caught their eye. I have always discounted this theory for the simple fact that it is incredibly egocentric to believe that others' lives are arranged merely as adjuncts to your own.

Anyway, today was another day of those kind of looks. However, the looks took the form of actions during the course of the trial which I was selected on Tuesday to sit as a juror. I have taken my responsibility to the court and the community very seriously, refusing to even discuss the case with my wife. This was not an attempt to place emphasis on the matter that was being deliberated but a effort on my part to stay as true to the process as possible out of respect for the process itself.

The case I heard involved a man who admitted stabbing another man but claimed he had done so in self defense. After hearing the evidence Wednesday I was left to ponder the details of the case overnight and came to a conclusion. The basis of my argument against self defense was that the victim was stabbed twice in the torso by the defendant. I also had come to the conclusion that the defendant could have left the apartment and defused the situation as an alternative.

The state's counsel used both of these arguments in her closing statement. After we were given the indictment and escorted to the jury room it was our job to elect a foreperson. Yours truly was quickly nominated and there were no objections from anyone. This was not something I had wanted to do but I reluctantly accepted.

And this is when the Truman Effect kicked in. All of the court movies seemed rolled into one. I had to handle a juror who said outright that he was changing his vote to agree with everyone else so that he could go back to work. I had to handle a younger woman who I think was reluctant to pass judgement unless 100% sure. On the second ballot that we took to see where everyone stood, I had one ballot come back "yes." All of the ballots from the first vote were "guilty" or "not guilty." Why now "yes" except to test whether I would request a third ballot to make sure that the vote was unanimous? It just started feeling like some of the testing I have done for positions in the fire department where they put you in a situation and then see how you behave as people lob grenades at you. Come to think of it, a large continuous stretch of the defendant's closing argument he made eye contact with me.

In the end, we returned a "guilty" verdict. I was worried that I would have to read it aloud as I have in the last day lost my voice. I was relieved to find that all it entailed on my part once in the courtroom was to hand the written verdict to the bailiff.

The defendant had cried, what seemed genuine tears, at different points in the trial. However, when the verdict was read there were no tears. He sat emotionless. After being released a knowledgeable little bird told me that, "he was a very bad man," and that this wasn't his first time stabbing someone. Come to think of it, at the time the verdict was read, there were six more deputies in the room than normal. I confess I was somewhat relieved at hearing this. It washed away any fears I had that we were convicting an innocent man.

If this is a Truman Show then everyone involved in what I just wrote might be reading. On the off chance that they are let me say that I thank my fellow jurors. My experience has been educational and pleasant for the most part. Further, I encourage anyone called to jury duty to approach it not as a hassle, but as an opportunity to contribute to a society which so many of us are quick to criticize.

All rise.

Doing My Doody

So today I was chosen to be on a jury. The entirity of today was spent with voir dire (which means "speak the truth") of the potential jurors and the opening statements. I have heard many people today complain about jury duty as a hassle, but I am really excited about the whole thing. Yeah, it's slow and sometimes boring but altogether I'm finding it fascinating.

Also, this weekend Keith and Helen came to town for Keith's birthday. We were talking on Saturday and I said that there was a song on the OK GO album that I couldn't believe the NFL hadn't picked up for it's advertising. The song is called "Invincible." Well Sunday I went to the station and Larry informed me that, "that band you showed us the video on treadmills is doing the song on all of the college football commercials." How about that?

Anyway, we went to Six Flags on Saturday and had a blast. Goliath, the new roller coaster with the 175 foot drop, rules.

Photo Caption Contest: A New Hope

Due to overwhelming demand, the photo caption contest has returned!

HOWEVER...This time I'm not looking for a caption but for dialogue. I don't want both sides, just Girly Vader's side of the conversation. Like she was talking on a cell phone or something.

Good luck, and may the...ah screw it.

(Sorry Bobby) Why I Still Don't Like Basketball

So I was talking at the station last night about my realization as to why I don't like basketball (see entry below.) One of the guys, who happens to like basketball, refuted my claim that dunks were common saying, "they were as rare as triples in baseball." (I think I hurt his basketball feelings.) I immediately countered that he, "must be crazy." (clever eh?) The other guys seemed to back my claim about the triples.

But today I got to thinking. I don't really watch much sports -- what if he's right? So I went to looking for the stats to answer the question.

I got stats for the 2005-2006 NBA regular season and the 2005 MLB regular season since this one is still going. Here are the results.

NBA Dunks in the 2005-2006 Regular Season
Number of players who dunked: 354
Total number of dunks: 8598
Number of teams in the league: 30
Number of games in a season per team: 82
Number of played games in a season: 1230

Number of dunks per game: 6.99


MLB Triples in the 2005 Regular Season
Number of players who tripled: 341
Total number of triples: 878
Number of teams in the league: 30
Number of games in a season per team: 162
Number of played games in a season: 2430

Number of triples per game: .36


So there it is. Unless there's an error in my math. And I'm fully aware of how statistics can be manipulated to show whatever you want. Steven can show that 1+1=3. But this is pretty straight forward.