He's A Drag. A Well Known Drag.

It's a pretty well known fact that I don't do well in bars, a fact that I once again proved last night. You see, a bunch of us got together to celebrate a few of the group's birthdays at a trendy restaurant/bar downtown. After about five hours I went outside until Paula was ready to leave. I'm pretty sure that a few in the group came away with the idea that I was pissed at the end of the night. So here are a few reasons I wasn't pissed; at least maybe not for the reasons they think.

1. "I"m sorry, what was that?"

I've always had a real problem hearing in noisy situations. No, it's not me getting old. It's not even overexposure to sirens and air horns. I don't know how to explain it. It's not loud noises. I just can't seem to filter out one sound in a room full of similar sounds; one voice in a room full of shouting voices. I feel myself constantly leaning in and asking someone to repeat themselves. Which gets pretty annoying for me so I can only assume it's doubly annoying for the person that I keep mindlessly nodding and smiling at. Not to mention the fact that the constant noise begins to get to me. My leg starts to nervously bounce and I eventually clench my jaw resulting in a raging headache.

2. "None for me, thank you."

I don't drink. Never have. Never will. Lot's of people know that about me. Unfortunately a lot of them probably think that I don't enjoy bars because I don't agree with drinking. And twenty years ago that used to be the way I thought. But now? Well, now I really don't have a problem with drinking (the non-alcoholic variety.)

There was a moment many years ago when I decided I was going to take a drink. I remember thinking that my life would be a little easier if I did. Not because I might use alcohol to cancel out any aspect of my life. No, it really was just a desire to fit in. And apparently that was the moment when I became okay with the idea of drinking. It was like lifting a weight off of my psyche. I never did take a drink, but it was a real sea change in my thinking. It sounds a little stupid, I guess, but that's how it happened.

So, the problem now isn't an objection to alcohol as a substance. No, the problem is that as a twelve year old I made a promise to the man upstairs not to ever drink. The promise went something like "I promise to never drink if everything in my life goes okay." Sure it sounds kind of like a stupid promise, but I've kept my end of the deal. And so has he. If I was to start drinking and something bad happened to Paula or the boys, I wouldn't ever forgive myself.

I don't sit in bars and obsess over some of the unpleasant things about my life that were directly related to alcohol use. Instead I find myself full of regret; regret I ever made that promise. You see, I love my wife and will do just about anything for her, except take a drink. So a night in a bar leaves me feeling very inadequate as a husband and friend. I can't be that guy for my wife. And the longer the night goes on the more angry with myself I get. After that, anyone kidding with me about taking a drink, no matter how innocent the joke, doesn't strike me as funny. It's more like salt in the wound. The end result is that I'm pretty pissed off with myself and just no fun.

3. "Isn't there a Surgeon General's warning about those?"

Cigarettes seem to have a cumulative effect on my mood. At first I can tolerate them pretty well, but in a bar it doesn't take long before I've reached my tolerance. The bar last night was even on a second story patio with a really good breeze. But somehow all I could smell was the cigarette smoke. That with the constant noise just overloads my senses.

4. "Really, I'm okay."

Rather than ruin the mood of the party by staying, I often I end up leaving the immediate area. I get out of the noise and smoke to let my senses off the hook for a while. Invariably what happens is friends start to try and get me to return which inexplicably annoys me. I know they mean well, but I really just want to "decompress."

In conclusion, This entry isn't me looking for pity. Not at all. I've made my choice and am willing to live by it. But that doesn't make it any less hard or irritating for me. So, if any of my friends from last night, or previous nights out, are reading this I sincerely hope that I didn't significantly dampen the mood. I did have a good time for as long as I had a good time. Sorry I left without saying goodbye to all of you.

I've Got An Itch

It all started this morning. I had fallen asleep on the couch last night, as I often do, and woke up around 6:00 in the morning. I turned off the television and went to bed to sleep for another hour until the boys got up. The area around my waste itched and I chalked it up to the elastic waistband in my shorts. But when I got up to take a shower I was amazed to find about thirty nickel sized welts all over my torso.

That's when the itching started. I figured I had picked up some chiggers at Stone Mountain the day before so I sat down at the computer to read about them (God bless Google.) The article dispelled a bunch of the myths surrounding chiggers but I found out that some of the information in the Wikipedia article wasn't true to my case.

So here's my guide to chiggers separating fact from fiction:

1. Chiggers burrow under the skin and poop. The poop is what causes the itching.

FALSE - Chiggers don't burrow and it's their saliva that causes the itching. They don't drink blood they drink liquified skin cells. How do I know? Well, I read it and the picture to the right happens to be an actual picture of one of the chiggers on me (I used Ben and Luke's Eyeclops electronic magnifier that they got for Christmas last year. It came in real handy since you can't use a magnifying glass to see something on your waistline that's 1/150th of an inch.) The chigger is the larval stage of the harvest mite. It has six legs but when it matures it will have eight.

2. You can get rid of chiggers by putting nail polish over the area. The nail polish will suffocate the chigger.

FALSE - Nail polish might kill them but it won't stop the itching. That damage is already done by the time the welt appears. Rubbing alcohol and a really hot bath of epsom salts doesn't kill them either. Nope the Eyeclops doesn't lie. Those bad boys were still moving their legs after all of those treatments.

3. You can get the chigger off with a piece of scotch tape.

FALSE - Not scotch tape, duct tape, electrical tape, razors, or a dried patch of Elmer's glue. None of those pulled the chigger off of my skin. The only thing that did was some hair removal strips that I found under the bathroom sink. The wax on the strip is gooey enough to get into the microscopic crevices of your skin and attach to the chigger. The picture at the right is of one of the wax strips with the bugger trapped in a honey grave. On the plus side you get baby soft hair free patches of very itchy skin.

4. A warm soapy bath is all you need to rid yourself of the chiggers.

FALSE - I tried a hot soapy bath and with the Eyeclops found the guys unmoved. I then took a scotchbrite scouring pad and scoured my whole body in a very hot shower. No luck. A bath of very hot water with epsom salts. Still no luck.

5. Chiggers are not transferrable.

TRUE - Once a chigger bites it uses its feeding tube. If it's dislodged before it finishes the tube breaks off, thus the chigger larvae is doomed to die an early and hungry death. And besides, as you can see above it's really hard to get them off of you. If you don't believe me just ask Ben and Luke who are completely unaffected even though they were all over me the rest of the day. Ben even climbed into bed with me in the early morning.

So what have we learned? Well....

1. Wikipedia isn't always right (there's a newsflash.)

2. Don't sit on a lichen covered rock in the shade near the tree line at Stone Mountain.

3. The Eyeclops is a really handy toy and oddly unsettling.

Sharon Stone Angers China

That's one of the headlines that is on the Comcast website right now. I don't know why it amuses me so much, but it cracks me the hell up. I didn't even bother to read the article because I know it can't live up the headline.

I can totally see some dudes naming their band this.

Just Because

I was reading Luke a bedtime story last night and had a brainstorm. Here's something for your pleasure. Or your pain. Maybe both.

Fox In Socks.

So Now Then...

My last couple of posts have been things that I expect a certain amount of readers to approach skeptically. One of the posts is still hard for me to swallow (and I was there) and the other comes off as over dramatized sentimentality for the sake of...well...sentimentality.

That being said, why stop now. I'm gonna spin ya' another yarn that you probably are going to think I'm embellishing. The only problem is that it's true. Every bit of it.
About a month ago we were watching some television after dinner and the boys were playing. I can't remember what the show was but it's usually Animal Planet or Discovery if the boys are still up.

Well, during one of the commercial breaks that happened to feature a pretty model Luke says, "She's hot." I turned to look at him and then at Paula. We didn't say anything because we didn't want to encourage him. You see, Luke likes to be funny. I don't mean he likes to tell jokes. No he sits and waits for an opportunity to say something you don't expect.

Now, before we go any further, let me say that he didn't get it from me. At least I don't think so. I don't sit around the television and comment on who is pretty and who isn't. But I may have jokingly said it about someone who wasn't particularly hot. So you can see where Luke might have thought he was being funny.

Like I said before, we basically ignored it and went back to watching the commercials. Except that a minute later Luke says it again. I gave him a "Luke!" Not the "You're in trouble 'Luke!'" but the "I can't believe you just said that 'Luke!'"

This time he said it during a make-up commercial with the current Assistant District Attorney from Law And Order: Alana De La Garza (pictured at right.) His "joke" just happens to be timed when the woman on the television is hot. And the same could be said for the first commercial but I can't remember who was in it.

So it shouldn't have surprised me when a couple of moments later another attractive woman graced the screen hawking something and he said it again; "She's hot."

I really didn't know what to say and from the look on Paula's face, neither did she. In our stunned silence, Luke added this gem, "My penis is sticking out."

I couldn't believe it. I know that he didn't get THAT from me! What the hell is going on?!! What's going on at that school he goes to?!!

As dumbstruck as I was I knew I had to say something. And the only words that came to mind were these: "Leave it alone and it will go away."

Which, as it happens, is what Paula tells me.

Happy Birthday, Luke

April of 2004, a couple of robins made a nest on top of a gutter under the soffet of our house. The nest was just outside of our kitchen window and made for really good viewing for Ben. To get him a better view I rigged an old video camera up to a monitor and zoomed in so that Ben could see the little baby birds popping their heads up when the food arrived.

We counted four babies and Ben and I both enjoyed watching them. It wasn't long before they were covered in fluffy down and starting to look a little crowded in their quarters. Even with the windows closed you could hear their enthusiastic chirping whenever Mom or Dad returned to the nest.

Paula was pregnant with Luke at this time. Really pregnant with a scheduled delivery date of May 13th. I was feeling pretty nervous; more nervous than when we had Ben. You see, Ben didn't scare me until they took him out and he was horribly cyanotic (medical jargon for when you turn blue from lack of oxygen.) So with the history of Ben's birth and the previous two miscarriages I was beginning to really get myself worked up.

Now, in previous instances when I thought I was in control of my outward appearance I found out later that I wasn't concealing a thing. Case in point: when I cut the first 3/4 of an inch of the end of my finger off in high school and calmly proceeded to the front office. I was told later that my complexion was a muted green and my eyes were wide as saucers.

But this time I was not going to let on to Paula any of my worry because she is a worrier and I didn't want to add to it. Besides, the birds were a really good omen. So I repeated to her my usual, "Everything will be okay."

Two days before we were to head to the hospital, we were busy making preparations. We had noticed the day before that the baby robins had left the nest for the world. Concerned about them, I searched the bushes below the nest and the rest of the yard to no avail. Hours later I spotted one of the babies in the yard with what appeared to be a hurt leg. This didn't help to ease my nerves any. After all, I was reasonably sure that the bird couldn't survive with a hurt leg.

The following day I spotted another of the babies learning to fly, with the father close by. Instantly in my mind I was the father and the bird learning its way was Ben, and that made me feel much better. But I still couldn't find the other two babies. I looked and looked but had to get back to chores.

One hour later, I found the third baby dead in the grass. Even though I had searched the yard thoroughly, and kept my eyes scanning constantly, I had apparently killed it with the lawnmower. My heart sank. I'm sure anyone watching would have thought I was wiping sweat away as I continued to mow. The next day, on the way to the hospital I prayed in earnest for that little bird.

In spite of my worrying, Lucas was born without complications much to my relief. At first the doctors thought he couldn't hear, but that cleared up in a day or two. Luke is doing great, and, consequently, I have to think that everything turned out alright for that fourth little robin. Despite the fact that, as the nurses pointed out in the delivery room, he was born at 1313 hrs on the 13th of May. (I don't subscribe to the superstition of any "unlucky number." But bird signs? Well, bird signs are different, right?)

He's four years old today and an incredible little kid. He's small for his age but has a maturity about him like his brother. He sure can make me laugh, and he can be sweet and devious simultaneously. But I'm often not as hard on him as I am Ben, no matter how hard I try to be fair. Probably because in my mind, he'll always be that little bird. The one that worried me so much, and that, to this day, I look for whenever I'm in the yard.

A Sign

"...There are stories of coincidence and chance and intersections and strange things told and which is which and who only knows. And we generally say, "Well if that was in movie I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so and so met someone else's so and so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time...and so it goes and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

-Magnolia-

Something happened a few years ago which I have told only a few people. But events in my life have gotten me thinking about it again so I'm here to tell anyone that will listen.

I was standing in the engine bay watching a terrible thunderstorm. It was early summer and about mid-afternoon. The skies were purple and the trees were white as their leaves turned over in the wind. The lightning and thunder were building but still a ways away.

Suddenly a bolt of lightning creased the sky directly in front of me. It appeared to hit in the neighborhood across the street from the station. I ran inside (fearful of getting struck) and to warn everyone else that we were about to get a call.

It wasn't but a minute later that the bell went off dispatching us to a house on fire hit by lightning in the direction of the strike that I had witnessed.

Even though we were on scene within four minutes, all of that heavy rain had stopped. Neighbors were in the street pointing to a house which didn't show any immediate signs of fire. When I got out and talked to them they reported that lightning had struck a tree in the front yard of the house and that smoke had been seen coming from the gable vent near the tree.

Now lightning and fire can both do amazing things especially when they're working together. The neighbors went on to explain that the house was empty; the homeowner was at work.

We went to work laddering the roof and looking into all of the windows for any sign of smoke or flame. I walked around the house looking into each window, but like most windows you can only see around the blinds or curtains, etc.

As I got around the front of the house with nothing out of the ordinary to report, one of the guys on the roof called for me to come up and check something out. They hadn't been able to find any signs of fire but directed me to an attic vent and told me to take a long whiff. I could smell a scented candle. It was very distinct. Not exactly what you expect of a house struck by lightning and reported to be smoking prior to our arrival.

Now, we don't go breaking down doors unless we have to. And in this situation I didn't want to find myself explaining breaking down a door to a homeowner who might not like his nosey neighbors.

We can't explain the fragrant smell but the house doesn't appear to be in any danger at the moment. I decide that we're done here, and as I'm about to start climbing down the ladder, Lil' Cap (the guys gave him that name, not me) comes running around the house to the front and calls for our medic bag.

I follow him to the back deck and he promptly kicks it in. There isn't anyone that I can see but he charges in and then moves into an adjacent room to a sofa where a man is unconscious. Cap would later tell me he saw just the end of the man's foot through the slats of the blinds.

We start our assessment and find the man completely unresponsive. His blood sugar reading is so low that the monitor doesn't read numbers; he's in a diabetic coma and without sugar immediately might suffer irreversible brain damage or die. A few minutes later, after administering some sugar the man comes around. He explains that he is a friend of the homeowner's that is staying with him for a few days and that he is a diabetic. That explained his condition and the fact that the neighbors didn't think anyone was home. The rest is what I couldn't explain.

I couldn't explain how we got there, but only recount the events: We were led to the house by a lightning strike, delayed on scene by the smell of a candle long enough for Cap to look through a window that had been looked into by at least five different firefighters and see just the man's toes on the couch in a room with no windows.

Now I'm not a very religious man. I have always professed a belief in God and like many have been plagued with doubts. But that day was a turning point for me and I hope it was a turning point in that man's life. Like I told him as he sat on the couch, "God wants you alive."

That's it. I'm not testifying or anything. But take it for what you want. And it really happened, just like I said. So chalk it up to coincidence if you want to. Call it a series of random events that I have connected like a run of dominoes. Just remember this - dominoes still require someone to knock the first one down.

Contradictions Of The Day

Well, not really of the day. More like the last week.

1. While at the Taste Of Marietta today there was a local auto dealer that had vehicles on display. They were featuring a hybrid SUV. That's a contradiction in terms in my book, but as I got closer I realized that I was mistaken: the sticker on the vehicle said that it gets an amazing 22 mpg on the highway. It is a hybrid!

2. The gentleman riding his bike through town taking long drags on a cigarette. 'Nuff said.

3. It's a long story but the fire department I work for has enacted a policy which ensures 70% consistency. Why not 80% consistency you ask? Because it's just as asinine.

Top Soil

I've been away from the computer for a while. I apologize. It's just that we've been doing landscaping in the yard for the last couple of weeks. As well as working my body to the limits I learned a couple of lessons.

1. If the man you call for soil asks "screened or not screened" choose screened. Even though it's twice as much it won't come with broken glass, a four foot section of iron pipe, clods of compacted dirt the size of basketballs, the entire root system of a tree, broken cinder blocks, and a golf ball.

2. Rent a bobcat. Shoveling fifteen cubic yards (a dump truck full) will wear on your arms. After the first twelve hours they felt like all of the bones were broken. The second day wasn't any better. Just another reason to get the screened soil. A couple years ago I shoveled a dump truck load of screened soil in four hours.

Zulu Vs. Black Hawk Down

I don't really have a knack for reviewing movies but I do enjoy connecting things that at first glance aren't similar. Here goes:

	Zulu	Black Hawk Down
When The Film Takes Place:	January 22-23, 1879	October 3-4, 1993
Year Film Was Released:	1964	2001
Takes Place In:	Natal, South Africa	Mogadishu, Somalia
Actually Filmed In:	South Africa	Morocco (apparently Mogadishu still wasn't safe)
Incendiary Oversimplification of the Plot:	Some white guys kill a lot of black guys.	Some white guys kill a lot of black guys.
Depicts:	The Battle Of Rorke's Drift where 139 British soldiers successfully defended their small garrison against 4000 Zulu warriors who had become fed up with having the British as neighbors.	The Battle Of Mogadishu where American military forces attempted to capture members of a warlord's clan. During the raid, two Black Hawk helicopters were shot down in the city which was increasingly hostile.
Dead:	British Soldiers: 15 Zulu Warriors: 370	American Soldiers: 19 Somalis: 133 to 1000. Since most of the dead were "civilian militia" there isn't an accurate count.
Politics of the film:	Really doesn't address it. Nothing is said about why the British are in Africa (Ivory?) or whether they should be there at all. The movie ends as a statement against the horrors of war. Without injecting politics the filmmakers effectively comment on the nastiness of war whether "justified" or not while at the same time celebrating the efforts of the soldiers.	Stays way the hell away from politics. And for good reason. If you don't remember this battle by name, surely you will remember American soldiers' bodies being paraded through the streets of Mogadishu. The closest the movie gets to political commentary is when one of the characters reveals to his fellow soldiers that he truly wants to help the Somali people. Obviously, were not talking about the Somalis that our protagonists fight the entire movie. At the end we are left with the realization that war sucks.
Main character:	Lt. John Chard, a Royal Engineer sent to build a bridge. Instead, as the most senior man he finds himself leading the defense of the garrison. Oh, and he's a "proper gentleman."	Matt Eversman, who is placed in charge of a group of Army Rangers just before the raid due to another soldier's illness.
Voice of The Opposition:	Reverend Otto Witt who arrives at the garrison to warn the soldiers to leave. He is instead detained within the fort, gets drunk, and yells things like, "you're all going to die" for a good part of the movie.	Arms dealer Atto who is detained early in the movie and comments to the general in charge that the United States has injected itself into a civil war. The general replies that 300,000 dead isn't a civil war, "it's genocide."
Medals Won By the Actual Participants:	11 Victoria Crosses 5 Distinguished Conduct Medals	2 Medals Of Honor 6 Silver Stars 10 Bronze Stars 1 Distinguished Flying Cross 1 DeFleury Medal 1 Oak Leaf 2 Purple Hearts
Main Actors Playing Against Their Nationality:	Nigel Green (South Africa)	Eric Bana (Australia) Ewan McGregor (UK) Orlando Bloom (UK) Ewen Bremner (UK) Kim Coates (Canada) Hugh Dancy (UK) Loan Gruffudd (UK) (Holy crap! Why so many Brits?!)
Word From the Film That I Had to Look Up:	"Malingering"	"Urbane"
How We Begin:	Printed history of the event read by Sir Richard Burton.	Titles to get the audience up to date on the situation at hand. Also included is the quote, "Only the dead have seen the end of war," which is erroneously attributed to Plato.
Unintentionally Funny Line:	"Damn you Chard! Damn all you butchers!" [pronounced "booochers"]	Soldier: "Colonel, they're shooting at us. Lt. Col. McKnight: "Well, shoot back."
Geek Facts:	Ridley Scott, the director of Black Hawk Down, loves the film Zulu so much he used the actual Zulu war chant during the opening battle of his film Gladiator.	Michael Caine in Zulu. Michael Caine to Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality. Sandra Bullock to Jeff Daniels in Speed. Jeff Daniels to Laura Linney in Squid and the Whale. Laura Linney to Ed Harris in The Truman Show. Ed Harris to Sam Shephard in The Right Stuff. Sam Shepard in Black Hawk Down.

So the movies are more similar than not. What's this prove? Not much other than I don't have enough to do with my free time. I like both of the movies, in case you were wondering.

Photo Caption Contest - The Results Show

Okay, okay. So I never judged the results from the photo contest back in October 2007. Let the fury and vitriol gush forth aplenty.


This was probably the most unsuccessful of these things that I've hosted. I don't know if it was the picture or the rules that I placed on it. Anyway, for better or worse, here goes:

First Place
Wm. for "Give me one good reason why you're keeping that mustache."

It seems to be my refrain when judging these things; it was far from obvious and I surprised myself with it. It still strikes me as funny. Like this couple would be having a discussion about his grooming habits while floating down the street with a door full of beer. I don't know.

Minus 55 points for giving yourself First Place. Score = 45 points.


Second Place
Jeremy Frye for "The North American Redneck (Bocephi Earhardticus)..."

Jeremy actually followed the rules for this one and unlike the other entries (mine included) it's not bad. I do like this particular phrase: "Efficiency is key, and shirts have been rendered vestigial, at best, amongst females, and evolutionarily jettisoned entirely by males." There's an economy in word choice here that is very true to the idea of the encyclopedia entry concept.

Minus fifty eight points for making me look up "vestigial" yet again. Score = 42

Third Place
Paula for "One kitchen door: $15. Bride price of your uncle's niece: $50. Floating beer and a babe: priceless."

Not bad. The concept has been overdone as a corruption of the original and for me now ranks with the "been there, done that" saying. Still, "Bride price" is a funny phrase not to mention the use of the word "babe" to describe the woman in the picture. She's a catch alright.

Minus sixty three points for waiting so frikkin' long to participate in one of these. And this isn't my only way of communicating. Score = 37

Honorable Mention
Everyone that tried. Really. This one was difficult. I blame the people in the picture, because it can't be my fault. It never is.




First Place
Mr. Doob for "8:30 Blossom (NBC) On a Very Special Episode, Blossom befriends a popular cheerleader at school only to discover the girl's dark secret. The growing teen issue of 'Sharking' is brought to light and Blossom faces a peer pressure as never before. Special appearances by Nancy Reagan, Mr. T and Roy Scheider."

I have to give it to this one for the intentionally mismatched choice of guest stars. You always knew when you watched this kind of television that the guest stars weren't who they wanted but who they could afford to get. I tried this concept when I invoked the ghost of Willie Aames' career, but the "smattering" strategy works much better.

Minus eight points for using a really, really bad show. Score = 92

Second Place
Chosen©er for "Shark. Tonight, James Woods (Shark) heads to court against Shark (not James Woods). Use of staccato dialogue delivery will make you think something is interesting when it's really not. At all."

The multiple uses of the word shark for comic effect reminds me of the Smothers Brothers routine "You Didn't Come In" where Dick accuses Tommy of being stupid for not being stupid. Well, you'll just have to trust me; it's funny. Also the commentary on shows like this using techniques such as staccato dialogue to hide the fact that the show isn't really compelling hits home.

Minus twenty points for taking twelve days to come up with an entry. Score = 80

Third Place
Jeremy Frye for "Saved By The Bell Sat. 11:00 a.m. (NBC) In order to get tickets to the sold-out Bobby Brown concert, Zach Morris must take the local radio DJ's horribly disfigured daughter as his date. Initially repulsed, Morris learns that even ugly girls with superfluous shark-like appendages are people, too."

I like this one for the phrase "superfluous shark-like appendages." That's it.

Minus thirty three points because I like the sound of the phrase "thirty three". Score = 67

Honorable Mention
Wm for "9:30 Three's Company: The College Years. While completing community service in the school infirmary, Jack passes himself off as a Doctor to impress student Holly and is forced to perform a shark-ectomy when Holly's boyfriend shows up. Jack falls down."

After writing this one I got confused and couldn't remember if this was a real episode of Three's Company or not. You know, I never could understand the sex appeal of any of that show's stars.

Minus fifty one points for making Jack fall down one more time. Score = 49

Brent Cash - How Will I Know If I'm Awake

I'm overdue in announcing that a friend of mine has an album out. Brent's awesome and I had always hoped he would make it; looks like now he's on his way. The album sounds like a Sunday afternoon to me. Go to his website to check out clips of the songs and read some of the awesome reviews this album has gotten.

He's getting airplay on the BBC and college stations are playing him here in the states. Support your local record stores and request they stock this album!

(And if'n you ain't got no recurd store near ya', itz rite thar on tha iTunes fer ya ta dayonload.)

Kickin' It In Williamsburg

(Stock photo from Google. Items shown are more visible than they appeared on our trip.)

Sorry that I haven't updated for a while but we've been in Colonial Williamsburg on a family vacation for the last five days.

You know, I read a reader submitted editorial to Newsweek a few years ago that lamented the demise of the long road trip with kids. This editorial claimed that, with the advent of all of the personal entertainment devices, we have become families of strangers. Now, I agree with that claim to a point, but the author argued that a prime victim of this technology was the road trip and all of the horrible parts of it. I will counter that cordless headphones and individual dvd players mounted in the backs of the front seat head rests of your father-in-law's brand new SUV make the nine hour trip bearable. I don't relish the arguments, tensions, complaints, and everything else that we all are guilty of when cooped up with one another in a car for extended periods. Not having to experience that one more time doesn't leave me feeling cheated. That's right, an extremely large "Thank You" to Larry.

Anyway, we stopped over in Charlotte on the way up and visited Keith and Helen for an hour or so. They were nice enough to drive over to our hotel and drink a milkshake with me while Paula rested with the kids.

Colonial Williamsburg was really nice. We apparently hit it a little off season. There were a smattering of people dressed up and giving visitors a view into the history and politics of the time period, but the boys didn't get to see some guys playing the fife and drums or some soldiers drilling with muskets. Unfortunately for the boys there was a little more history than entertainment.

But we did get to see blacksmiths, silversmiths, a basket weaver, a cloth weaver (?), a wig maker, saddle makers, and a wagon wheel maker while at work. The boys really liked the blacksmiths and I have to say they were one of my favorite parts of our visit. I love the smell of the coal and the work really appealed to me.

The title of this post is a little bit of an inside joke. You see, the whole time we were in Colonial Williamsburg the boys kicked the small pebbles that covered all of the walkways. I felt like I was telling them not to kick the rocks about once every ten minutes.

After two days in Colonial Williamsburg we spent our last day visiting the Jamestown Settlement where the boys got to visit an Indian village, a recreation of the Jamestown Fort, and recreations of the ships that carried the residents of Jamestown to the New World.

Enough talking, here are a bunch of the pictures from our trip.

This is the Governor's Palace with a few of the "locals" riding up to the gate.


Here we are visiting the wagon wheel maker. He makes all of the wheels for the carriages by hand. It was amazing to watch. The boys couldn't have cared less.


These are the gardens behind the Governor's Palace. There was a maze in a section of bushes that the boys really enjoyed.


Dinnertime in the kitchen of the Governor's Palace. We saw demonstrations of some of the foods that people ate at the time. We also learned that George Washington's favorite ice cream was "Oyster" flavored. Ick.


Luke in the foyer of the Palace. As explained by our tour guide, the foyer was about as far as most of us would have gotten past the door.


Here are the boys on Gloucester Street. You can see one of the carriages in the background. It's original to the time period (circa 1780). The horses aren't original.


The hats were expensive but worth it. The boys loved them.


As you can see, they rarely came off of their heads.


Here the boys learn about basket weaving.


Here, the boys and a couple other boys get to drill with one of the soldiers at the Magazine, where the British stole the colonists' black powder. Ben tried hard but Luke seemed distracted.


I finally had enough with the kicking of the rocks and resorted to the punishment of the times.


Standing guard over some of the colony's supplies. A wooden musket comes at a premium price like the hats but the boys loved them and had to be ordered to not carry them into restaurants or around the hotel.


This was taken at the Jamestown Settlement Museum. They had some stuff out for kids and adults to touch like the dead raccoon and the bandolier.


Luke wouldn't have anything to do with the dead raccoon.


Here the boys pose with a Jamestown Settler/Soldier who had just demonstrated his musket with an actual firing. Very loud. Very awesome.


We get to try on some armor circa 1607.


Paula and the boys get into a canoe that has been hollowed out with fire like the Powhatan indians did in the 17th century. Sweet.

Well, that's it. We had a lot of fun.

More Stupid Stuff People Say

A friend of mine called me to ask if I had been watching Fox5 News this morning. Apparently the following was said:

"Were there any isolated incidents of widespread storm damage?"

This, of course, reminded me of the time one of our local weathermen named Flip Spiceland (that's right) said something like the following:

"Now I know I told you yesterday that it was going to rain, but it did. It's just that none of it reached the ground."

This Speaks For Itself

Photo Caption Contest: When Television Was Really Really Really Awful

I Googled the word "damaged" and this photo came up as one of the first returns in their image database. It is apparently from Episode 225 of ER which originally aired in 2004. And, yes, that's a shark on someone's leg.

I've had a problem with that show for a long time. For me, ER "jumped the shark" not long after its inception. But if there was any doubt left for you, this picture should take care of that.

So here's the assignment: You know those little blurbs about episodes of shows in TV Guide? Well, write one of those for this picture. It can be for any show, real or imaginary.

When Television Was Awesome

I just stumbled upon the intro to Space 1999 and I was blown away. I remembered it being cool but I had completely forgotten just how cool. Anyway, it got me thinking: What are the all-time great beginnings to television shows. I'm not talking theme music. I'm talking about the marriage of great theme music with awesome visuals. Three that immediately come to mind are below.


Space 1999
This is awesome for so many reasons that should be obvious - the overly dramatic theme, the quick cuts of non-action scenes including people walking and people standing, the title cards that scream at you hints of what's to come in tonight's episode. I could go on and on.




The Streets of San Francisco
This might be my all time favorite. One of the channels years ago used to run this all the time. I was addicted. I love it for the funky theme and the off-beat cuts. Also, the graphics of the bars sliding in to reveal the actors is brilliant. Quinn Martin productions always had guest stars, which was code for we can't pay them enough so we put their faces and names in the opening sequence as part of their salary. Every episode had a title, four acts, and an epilogue where we most likely learned our lesson.

The Rockford Files
I would have embedded the video but the guy that uploaded it to YouTube disabled embedding. Dunno why. Anyway you can view it there if you click on the link above. I love it for the answering machine message at the beginning which always somehow poked fun at Rockford's condition in life. Right when the punchline of the message hit the theme started not unlike the snare/cymbal kick that horrible comedian's used to use to drive jokes home. The visuals for the opening sequence are actually stills but are edited to infer motion. It's really kind of cool and something that I always wanted to rip off when I was still considering doing that kind of thing for a living.

What Did She Say?

I was surfing the channels and came across Entertainment Tonight. Now, I don't watch those kind of shows because they are exactly the kind of sensationalism that I think will be the death of society. I know that the cable company is keeping track of what I'm watching so I make sure I don't let them think I'm even considering it.

However, as I'm surfing the story is about a teen that auditioned for American Idol named Temptress and her mother "going out to a restaurant." The mother is about 600 lbs and only able to move via a large wheelchair. Temptress herself is, by my estimation, around 300 lbs.

Don't get me wrong; I truly sympathize with the morbidly obese. I believe that there are yet undiscovered genetic factors which contribute to the condition. Everyone's body is different. But in the end, you have to agree that regardless of why you do it, it's all about how much food you put into your body.

Anyway, in the restaurant her mother remarks to the cameras, "I know I'm not the best example for Temptress. I just don't want to be too hard on her. I don't want her to be bulimic or anorexic."

Long pause. Back the Tivo up and turn on the closed captioning.............Yeah, she said it. She's afraid of her 300 lbs daughter developing an eating disorder.

Maybe it was the pressure of being in front of the cameras and not being able to think of anything to say. Maybe she really thinks that. Regardless, it's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard someone say. It ranks right up there with "I didn't inhale."

So then, why did Entertainment Tonight broadcast that sound bite as one of the few things that her mother says during the whole segment? The clip leads you to believe that the show facilitated getting her mother out and to the restaurant. It was produced to be a feel-good piece. So why intentionally leave in a comment that makes the mother look so ignorant?

You know, I began this entry merely to log something ridiculous that I heard. But as I wrote I realized that the really ridiculous part of the whole thing was the part the producers played. I'm off to e-mail the show.

Don't watch that show or any like them. That crap will rot your brain. Really.

I'm Concerned About How Eager You Are To Incorrectly Use The Word Anxious

Alright, folks. Let's clear this up once and for all:

To be "anxious" about something infers hesitation, nervousness, unease, fearfulness, trepidation...in a word: anxiety. You aren't anxious to open Christmas gifts unless you're wondering why the box with holes in it isn't making sounds anymore. Be "eager" all you want. It's the pleasant one.

P.S. It's not, "I could care less" unless you are trying to illustrate that very point. The expression is "I couldn't care less." As in I have nothing left to give you; I'm at the bottom.

And I do care that you keep saying this wrong. But it's possible you couldn't care less that I care.

REQUESTED ADDENDUM: Chosen©er has commented that he would like me to address the difference between "flesh out" and "flush out."

As noted on the website Common Errors In English, located in the links to the right, the two terms are not interchangeable but are somewhat similar. I quote their entry:

To “flesh out” an idea is to give it substance, as a sculptor adds clay flesh to a skeletal armature. To “flush out” a criminal is to drive him or her out into the open. The latter term is derived from bird-hunting, in which one flushes out a covey of quail. If you are trying to develop something further, use “flesh”; but if you are trying to reveal something hitherto concealed, use “flush.”

That's pretty straightforward, but, then, so was the whole "couldn't care less" issue. Confusion is to be expected in situations involving a partial truth that is being withheld for an unspecified reason. For instance, if a murderer was being interrogated by the police, they might want to flesh out the details of how he committed the crime, of which they might know some of the details, while flushing out a motive from the perpetrator.

Things get really confusing if the victim is a rhinoceros and the murderer is a bird hiding in grass. I would be anxious about interrogating the bird.

Who Wears The Pants Around Here, Anyway?

Many of you that know me know that I don't give a rat's ass about football or any other sport. Which if you listen to the throngs of women who lament their husbands' devotion to sports should be good thing. Or so I thought.

My wife, who previously has only expressed occasional interest in sports and only if it involved a group of people, informed me mid-week that she needed to watch the Superbowl so that she would be able to talk about it on her business trip this week. Go figure.

Now, she had bought some new slacks for her trip, but they were an inch and a half too long. There wasn't any time to take them for professional alterations so I broke out the Singer manual for the sewing machine and started reading. That's right, while the Superbowl played in the den, I sat in the kitchen learning how to sew a blindstitch.

A blindstitch is particularly difficult because of having to tweak the settings on the machine to get it just right. The fact that the pants I was altering were purchased earlier in the day for $120.00 didn't help. Nor did the cursory instructions in the manual which amounted to three poorly illustrated steps.

In the end, the whole alteration took about three hours because there was a serious learning curve to overcome. But I must say that I'm really proud of the job I did. The pants look good.

Now, some of you might accuse me of being metrosexual for my transgression against THE testament to testosterone ("a lot of alliteration from anxious anchors"). But let me assure you I am not. For one, God didn't give me an affinity for hair care products...or the head of hair to use them on. And aren't footballs sewn, anyway? Damn right they are!

There Will Be Paul Thomas Anderson

You know, when Paul Thomas Anderson's newest movie was released I couldn't wait to see it. I had downloaded the trailer and played it over and over. There Will Be Blood promised to be what is more and more rare for me: a film experience that transcends the normal movie-going fare. A movie that stays with you for days after you walk back out into the light.

This film proved to be just that. I have been thinking about the movie for almost two weeks now and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

Of course, Daniel Day Lewis was amazing, but that was almost a given. The movie is incredible in scope, daring, new, and all kinds of other great words that don't come immediately to mind. It is above all "real." As a matter of fact it feels more real than most documentaries. But I'm still not sure I love it.

Everyone else does. Just check out the end of the Wikipedia article for the list of all of the awards and nominations it has received. But that still doesn't help me know how to feel about it.

Maybe I'm not smart enough to get it. The critics aside, I know that this movie is great; I just don't know if I liked it. Am I making sense?

Since I can't seem to coalesce my thoughts on There Will Be Blood let's talk about another P. T. Anderson movie; Magnolia.

Magnolia, for me, was that transcendent gem. Sometimes people ask me what my favorite movie of all time is and I always reply that I don't have one. But I know that this movie is in my top ten. (It's also on my list of films that always make me cry.)

It stars Tom Cruise, Jason Robards, William H. Macy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Julianne Moore just to name a few.It's a massive story of eight lives interwoven, and, unlike other movies which have tried, this one succeeds at keeping it all together. There are some not-so-nice characters in the mix, but no matter what they have done, they are all united in their pursuit of forgiveness.

Now, I know Tom Cruise the person might not be your cup of tea. But Tom Cruise the actor in Magnolia is truly amazing. I used to say that Tom Cruise deserved an Oscar for his part in Rainman instead of Dustin Hoffman (admit it. It was Cruise that held that film together.) But if he ever deserved a nod, this performance was it. Hell, the scene at his father's bedside is deserving of a national holiday.

And the soundtrack! Did I mention the soundtrack?! Aimee Mann for the songs and Jon Brion's gorgeous score. It's as much a character in the story as the others I mentioned.

Anyway, I stumbled upon the entire movie on YouTube. It's in parts but the quality is really good. So for anyone reading this that hasn't seen the film and still doesn't feel like plopping down $4 for a rental, just click on this link and watch for free. I promise you won't be disappointed.

And see There Will Be Blood. I would love to have someone tell me how I feel about it.

My New Favorite Word

My new favorite word, courtesy of Luke, is: "Lasterday."

Work it into conversations. Impress your friends and associates. Be on the cutting edge of today's vocabulary revolution.

I Love This

No One's Gots To Know But Us

I am not looking to turn this blog into a political debate. The last post wasn't really about politics was it? It was about a picture of a candidate.

But now I am going to go a little political and suggest you visit the website glassbooth.org. It's a website that claims to make an unbiased recommendation as to your similarity to the candidates based on your answers to questions. The issues are linked to Wikipedia articles (again with the bias argument) that explain the issues if you aren't familiar with them enough to answer the question. The site also backs up their conclusions with direct quotations from the candidates on the issues; which have all been attributed to the candidates by other sources that I cross-referenced.

Now, I suppose for some of you whether you agree that the site is unbiased or not will depend on whether the site says that you are similar to the candidate that you already think you like. And it should be noted that the site only rates your similarity to the candidates on the issues; it doesn't rate character or a candidate's "like-ability."

The site gives you the three most similar current candidates and then allows you to see how you stack up against the other candidates, even the ones who are no longer running. You can also sort your results by the issues if you want.

I took the quiz three times with slightly different responses to the questions and found that my top three candidates were the same with slightly different similarity percentages. I also found that none of the candidates scored against me higher than 75% or lower than 54%. But I think that's a result of my centrist views on many of the issues. I have read many other sites that recommended this website that scored some candidates very high and very low.

Anyway, you've got nothing to lose and it only takes about five minutes. I'm not advocating voting according to this site's recommendations alone; it's just another tool to use in making an informed decision.

As I type this, I'm watching the circus that is the Reagan Library Debate (there are four candidates on stage aren't there? Shame on you Anderson Cooper! Moderate!) It would be easy in all of this craziness that is our nomination process to forget what a heavy responsibility voting is.

Edwards: The CANDIDate?

You know, this picture was on the cover of Newsweek magazine two weeks ago. They have been doing each of the candidates for the past few months. Now, this picture seemed kind of candid when I first looked at the magazine. You know, a private moment with the candidate as he really is. But the more I noticed about it the more I realized just how carefully crafted this picture was.

Let's start with the tie. Now any man knows that what he's doing in this picture is pulling his tie up, not loose. You don't loosen a tie with two hands. Nope, the tie means he's getting ready. You put your tie back on when something important is about to happen and you need to look your best. Maybe, let's say presidential.

Now let's look at the sleeves. That's right, they're rolled up in seeming contradiction to the tie. The rolled up sleeves imply that he's a working man willing to...well, roll up his sleeves. He's ready to get dirty to get the job done. You know, the common man. Someone that might work in a mill, for instance.

"But what about the watch?" you say. Well, hold your horses I'm about to get to that. What kind of watch is it? An athlete's watch. No Omega or Rolex. Nothing fancy or elitist about that watch at all. Probably came from Wal-Mart. But it speaks volumes. It says that he's healthy and taking care of himself. Ready for a fight.

Or maybe he really is a man of contradictions.

The Press

I was recently having dinner with friends and our conversation turned (don't ask me how, I don't remember) to a spirited debate about the relationship between firefighters and the press. Now I will readily agree that most firefighters approach the press with an "adversarial" attitude...because I do.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the First Amendment and I fully believe in a free press. Journalism has accomplished some amazing things (I'm watching All The President's Men as I type.) Freedom of Speech is a sacred thing in this country and for good reason. However, the protection of the First Amendment does not protect anyone from being disliked for what they say and I think this is something that people forget from time to time. As they say, "I'll fight to the death to protect your right to say whatever you want and my right to retort by calling you an a**hole." (Maybe I took a little liberty with that last part. But it's my right, right?"

I digress. And that's not how the conversation at dinner went. And this blog entry is not meant as a one sided continuation of that debate. It's merely offered as an expansion of my thoughts on the subject.

The argument was made that the press have a job to do and they will get it done. If an entity, such as a Fire Department, doesn't supply the press with information when they need it they will fill it somehow; the old "Nature abhors a vacuum". My friend argued further that the relationship would be much improved if the Fire Department would be more accommodating to the press.

I totally agree with my friend's points and I hope my demeanor during our discussion didn't belie that fact. But Cool Hand Luke said, "Callin' it your job don't make it right." And I must argue that the antagonistic relationship that exists is based in past experience. I personally have witnessed cameramen coming into active scenes, past tape that reads "Fire Scene Do Not Cross" to get pictures of what is going on. The immediate problem with this is that it puts the cameraman in an area deemed "hazardous" by the Incident Commander where they potentially could become "part of the story." The greater concern is that it is distracting to those who are trying to do a job in a very dangerous and chaotic environment. As an Incident Commander I can tell you that I take the safety of those working under my supervision very seriously, whether they are 3 or 100. I take a very aggressive and vindictive attitude toward anyone who would jeopardize their safety directly or indirectly.

As I said before, I understand the role of the press and their right to a story. But the press, specifically the television news programs, seem more interested in presenting images before they know what to caption the picture with. I can recall at least ten times in the last year when a local news program has gotten video of a house fire or automobile accident and presented it immediately (often breaking into other programming) while admitting, "we have no details on this incident at this time but have a team en route." I ask: Why is a house on fire a news story? I mean, really! It's a story to the people who own the house, their friends, and family. But is it news for the rest of us? And how horrible would it be to find out you lost everything on the television in McDonalds?

I think a good litmus test for the media to ask of every story is this: How probable is it that this will still be news tomorrow?

You know, I think that my antagonistic attitude to the press comes from my belief that many of them will forego the common ethics of decency for the sake of "getting a scoop." I wonder if they had total access to some of the things I've seen, would they show it on the news just to be the first? Now, I could list some pretty horrible things here that no one would ever want to see on their television during supper to prove my point. But I would be no better than those that I criticize here. I would be using those terrible things to further this article and it's not respectful to the victims' memories or families.

Firefighters can be a**holes. God knows I know that we're not all as good as we could be. There are plenty of us who fall far short of the "sacred" image of the firefighter. Take for instance the allegations of a prostitution ring being run out of Washington D.C. firehouses. And the idea of the press is a noble one. The press protect our society as much as soldiers, firefighters, police, or anyone else standing a watch.

What I hope for is that everyone entrusted takes that trust as seriously as I do. That's all.

New Year's Resolution Suggestions

Here are just a few ideas for cutting down on waste and becoming less of a "consumer" in the new year. They're small things really, but if everyone did them...



1. Buy some reusable grocery bags. Paula and I bought four bags a few months ago. They are very strong and shaped like the old paper grocery bags but with handles. Gone is that drawer in our kitchen that was filled with plastic bags that we didn't want to just throw away. The reusable bags are relatively inexpensive and a great way to do your part in cutting down on the half trillion plastic bags consumed this year alone.

2. Buy some fluorescent light bulbs. I'm not advocating replacing all of your light bulbs. After all, there are certain applications which require certain kinds of light. But for everyday use in lamps and overhead lights, the new fluorescent lights are really an improvement over the first ones that hit the market years ago. They use a lot less energy which is good for the planet and good for your wallet. One warning: they contain mercury so you need to dispose of them properly or your not really helping the environment at all.

3. Slow down. The government runs a fuel economy website that says, among other things, that for every 5 mph that you speed over 60 mph, it's like paying an additional 20¢ per gallon of gas. For my pick-up that means the following: if I drive the same speed as the others on the expressway filling my tank costs me an additional $13.80. Thas-a-lotta-munee.

4. Recycle. We got into the recycling program with our county sanitation department a little more than a year ago. Since then we have noticed a drastic reduction in the amount of garbage that goes out to the street every Monday and Thursday. If I had to estimate I'd say we have cut our trash output by two thirds. That's substantial and who could say that's a bad thing.

Holiday Tip #1

After years and years of stringing lights on a Christmas tree I finally arrived at the best way to do it: instead of starting at the bottom and encircling the tree as you go up, string the lights from bottom to top and then back to the bottom again until you've gone all the way around the tree. If done correctly you won't be able to tell the difference in how the lights look on the tree and when it comes time to pull them off it will be much easier.

What Would Be Wrong About Being Wrong?

You know, in talking to people about current events I have come to the realization that there are a lot of people out there that don't take the whole Global Warming thing seriously. As mentioned in the Newsweek article on the subject, sceptics don't like the label "deniers" but instead prefer "doubters." That's a subtle difference but I'm going to make it the crux of my argument.

Through the ages one thing in science has remained undisputably true: There is nothing that is impossible, only improbable. Label something beyond the realm of possiblility and you can rest assured that it will be found to be fact. As Tommy Lee Jones' character says in Men In Black, "a thousand years ago everybody knew as a fact, that the earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat...imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

Now, for me the really surprising thing about the whole debate is that for the most part it seems to be drawn along liberal/conservative political divisions. I can't quite figure that out. Making the argument political seems to relegate it to a question of economics and maybe I should start thinking of this whole thing in those terms.

There are extremists on both ends and they have done their part to shape the discussion by polarizing the subject. The most common characterizations go that anyone that believes we are affecting our environment is a "treehugger" more concerned with bark beetles than people, and anyone that is a "doubter" would sell their grandmother to make a buck. However, the truth is that for the most part we are all centrist; as one person I know put it: "My wallet says I'm a conservative but my heart says I'm liberal."

Surely there would be economic ramifications to changing how businesses do busisness in a greener world. But haven't we seen some of the same dread before? Didn't the South make the argument that their industry couldn't survive without slave labor? Then the same argument was made at the turn of the century about child labor. With each sucessive change industry and our economy has adapted and we now look back and wonder, from a moral high ground, how those systems ever came to be in place, when we all know that the answer is pure economics.

Now, I'm not demonizing the doubters as proponents of slavery, child labor, or other evils (after all, that's the job of the "treehugger" extremists of this debate.) On the contrary, I take a much less drastic approach to the problem. The fact that the doubters avoid the title "deniers" implies that they are not 100 percent sure of their position; there is room for doubt. So, how can they afford to be wrong? I mean, if there is any hint of merit to the global warming concept, and we might possibly be headed for dire straits, do we dare take the chance to be wrong?

Contradictions Of The Day

1. Frosted Mini-Wheats Big Bite (pictured at right and found on the shelf at my Publix.) Need I say more?

2. I saw a car this morning with a sign on it that read: "Make $8000 a month 10 Persons Needed." The sign was actually some shoe polish on the rear window of a beat to hell Chevy Lumina. $8000 you say? Chevy Lumina held together with bailing wire? Well, anything fancier would be ostentatious now wouldn't it?