Touché

This morning I put on a hand-me-down shirt that says "One Georgia Center Health Club" on the front of it. At breakfast, as I'm eating my Cap'n Crunch, Ben asks the following question.

Ben: "Daddy? Does your cereal have a lot of sugar in it?"
Me: "Yeah, buddy, it does."
Ben: "Then why are you wearing a shirt that says 'Health Club?'"

The Gambler

Yes, the long rumored third installment of the "Pop-Up-Video minus the video" videos is available on YouTube now. Like the others before, it took much longer to complete than I had estimated. This time the difficulty was not in assembling the frames of video but obtaining the data. Well, watch it and you will understand.

Just click here.

Dunkin Donuts = TMBG = Accordions = Decemberists = The Who Sell Out

Well that connection is obvious isn't it?

As anyone who knows me knows (is there anyone else really reading?) my mind tends to wander. Recently I re-discovered the They Might Be Giants website after seeing a Dunkin Donuts commercial that I thought they sang the song on. I found a site with all of the commercials and mp3's of the songs but it has since been shut down by They Might Be Giants. Anyone not familiar with the band should know (for the purpose of understanding this drivel) that they use the accordian a lot, along with a smattering of other non-traditional instruments for a "rock" band. (While on their site check out the Venues videos. Being a huge fan of two of Yes' albums, my personal favorite is the first one titled "Dallas.")

Anyway I got to thinking about the accordion. I mean about learning to play one. Why not? I mean it's totally eclectic. And unlike my failed Theremin, there is no way I could build one. But I didn't really know alot about them so I went right to the Wikipedia article and started reading. Turns out there are a few different kinds and a lot of information about the instrument. Kind of discouraging.

But in the article they mention some popular bands of today that are still using accordions, one of which was The Decemberists. So I found their website and really liked the music. (If you have iTunes check out the sample of the song 16 Military Wives. It rules.)

As you can read on their website, when the Decemberists toured in support of their album Picaresque they had an additional musician with them named Petra Haden. She plays violin, sings, and comes from a musical family. She plays with a lot of other bands like Decemberists; even the Foo Fighters and Beck. But she also releases her own stuff occasionally.

Well she just released an interpretation of The Who Sell Out album. The whole thing is accapella and she has even included the advertisements between songs. Pete Townshend said of the record, ''I heard the music as if for the first time. I listened all the way through in one sitting and was struck by how beautiful a lot of the music was. Petra's approach is so tender and generous. I adore it.''

Anyway, that's often how my mind works. Good thing the internet works that way too.

Why?

Joy Behar of The View (the "jolly, fiesty, red-headed" one) has just put out a children's book about a dog. The name of the book is: Sheetzucacapoopoo: My Kind of Dog. Now if you read the book description it says the dog in the book is named "Max." Therefore, I can only assume that the title is just a "clever" way to plaster the word "sh*t" three times across the cover of a book in the Children's section of the store. Maybe you're thinking the children won't latch onto the title and repeat it endlessly because they don't know what it means? Now, that's a load of crap.

The End Of Wisteria

Recent "improvements" to Rockbridge Road have necessitated the cutting down of THE Wisteria Tree. I stress "the" because wisteria can be cultivated to grow freestanding or it grows on things, as in the picture to the right. In this instance, it had grown on a seventy foot tall pine tree and completely taken it over. It was, in my experience, the only wisteria tree of this tremendous size.

The wisteria vines at the base of the tree were easily a foot in diameter and almost complelety encircled it. And in the spring it looked like the picture at the right except seventy feet tall and about thirty wide. It really was amazing and I would find myself going out of my way to see it during the two weeks that it was in full bloom.

But Rockbridge Road needed to be widened. So the tree came down. The wisteria would eventually have killed the pine tree and consequently possibly killed itself. But I think it had a few more good years had it been left alone.

Now people will be able to drive by even faster and not notice what they didn't notice before.

My New Favorite Radio Station

You can listen to my new favorite radio station here. It will stream through your windows media player.

For those of you expatriates of the Atlanta area that may not have heard, 96ROCK is no more. To be fair I didn't listen to it and apparently nobody else did either. It was around for at least 25 years but.....

So radio stations have moved and changed a little and 105.3 FM, which used to be The Buzz is now El Patron.

The music sounds very Bavarian. Like a Latin American Bavarian Oompah Band. All of the songs feature a tuba and accordian. And there are no commercials. Oh, and it's in espanol.

Sounds like heaven right? Well I haven't even gotten to the best part. The pre-recorded announcer who says the name of the station is soooo awesome. He says, "Cien Cinco PUNTO Tres.....El Patron." There are a few different versions but the best is the one where he says it really deep and excited.

Give it a listen.

What I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew a lot, but I never really knew fear until they took you out of your mother and you were a horrible blue from lack of oxygen. I never felt so protective until I held you close. I never really knew how angry I could get until you wrote on the new iMac screen in permanent marker. I never laughed so deep until you told your first knock-knock joke. I never knew how hard it would be to get through Nemo without crying until I had you. I only thought I knew happiness until I heard you say "daddy" for the first time. I never felt as helpless as when you were so sick with fever that your hands radiated heat. I never knew the depth to which I could worry, until I began to fear you might grow up like me. I only thought I knew love until you squeezed my neck for the first time. I never felt so proud as every day for the last six years.

Thank you, son, for teaching me. Happy Birthday.

Et Tu Pfizer?

(Warning: The following may contain whining and alleged victimization.)

I've been sick for the past week. It started out with severe flu-like symptoms but the body-ache went away after 24 hours leaving me with the congestion and cough. In the past I have tried most of the decongestants with little success except for Sudafed Non-Drying Sinus. That stuff rocks! I mean, you can feel your sinuses clear within two minutes of taking the pills. Seriously.

This particular product, along with all of the other meth-making decongestants, has been kept behind the pharmacy counter for at least the past year. You have to show ID and you have to sign. You also are limited to the number of boxes that you can buy.

Today, however, I have been to four pharmacies and have been unable to locate Sudafed Non-Drying Sinus. Two of the pharmacists said that they had never heard of it to which I replied, "you have kept it behind the pharmacy counter for months. I have bought it here many times." The other two claim the product is no longer available.

The first pharmacist, one of the two that said it had been discontinued, prompted me to look on the Sudafed website. My med of choice is in the exact middle of the picture of all of the Sudafed products. If you ask the website for information about it, you get all of the pros and cons and other stuff listed on the box. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere is there anything saying that it has been discontinued. And so I went to three more pharmacies.

As a matter of fact, in the FAQ section it plainly states that even though they have intruduced a whole new line of decongestants, the old Sudafed medicines will still be available. (On their website, to answer the question why did they introduce an entirely new line of decongestants, they say, "As a responsible corporate citizen, we at Pfizer have been working in partnership with government, law enforcement and retailers to address the issue of continued consumer access to effective cold and sinus medicines. That’s why we’ve reformulated a new Pseudoephedrine-free line of decongestants called Sudafed PE™, which will be sold together with the original Sudafed line." So the old meth-making stuff is still available! That will surely stem the meth tide.)

Anyway, so I don't feel good AND I'm angry. I wrote Pfizer, the company that makes Sudafed, an e-mail asking for the location of a pharmacy in my area that sells the drug. Or they could update their frikkin' website. Their choice.

I'm done. I'm sorry that this lacked any real information. I'm sorry that it was poorly stuctured and didn't carry the reader along an "arc." I'm sorry that with this entry my blog has de-evolved into what most blogs are; a place for people to complain to a surely vast and imaginary audience.

Captioning With The Stars: The Results Show

After very little deliberation here are the results:

First Place:
Jeremy Frye with "No, I said, 'Duck, Rogers!' Like, a command. Why would I just shout out, 'Buck Rogers?!?'"

I can't really explain it. Maybe it was the well chosen wording. I don't know but I laughed over this one every time I read it. No deductions. It's perfect. Score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Houston...I have a problem.The Eagle has landed...in my pants." for it's infantile and head-on approach. He evokes the spirit of Triumph The Insult Comic.

Minus 20 points for adapting an existing quote. Plus 5 points for giving me the idea for the next caption contest. Score: 85

Third Place:
Wm. with "I'm opening your rod bay door pal." for taking one of the most memorable quotes from what is regarded by some to be the greatest science fiction movie made...and making it gay.

Minus 20 points for giving yourself third place. Score: 80

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "am i crazy or was it a different picture earlier today?" It didn't work at first, but the more I thought about the photo and this quote as something one of them was saying, the more funny it became. It's so far out there it's funny.

Minus 21 points. Ooooohhhh! So Close! Score: 79


Now this picture drew the most submissions so far; 38. And some of them were downright hilarious.

(Also, I remembered something that I learned when Keith and I were going to Dad's Garage regularly; the more rules you place on it, the funnier it is.)

First Place:
Helen the Greek with "You had me at hello." from Jerry Maguire. Far from the obvious. Fresh. Hilarious.

This one's a winner. Another perfect score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille." from Cool Hand Luke. This was almost first place but I felt that my love for that particular movie and the fact that I desperately want to be Paul Newman might be clouding my judgement.

Minus 1 point for making me feel conflicted. Score: 99

Third Place:
Boom Boom Becca with "Andie, hon. Listen, it's after 7:00. Don't waste good lip gloss." from Pretty in Pink. I don't know what I found more funny; the quote or the pattern of movies from which all of her submissions were culled.

Minus 5 points for applying a nighttime qoute to a picture obviously taken in the day. Score: (a very respectable) 95

Honorable Mention:
Jeremy Frye with "I first saw her at Palantine Campaign headquarters at 63rd and Broadway. She was wearing a white dress. She appeared like an angel. Out of this filthy mess, she is alone. They... cannot... touch... her." from Taxi Driver. I admired the fact that he found a quote that seemed to focus on the dress. I was looking for movie qoutes about horses and battleships.

Minus 10 points for picking Scorcese since I don't really like any of his movies. Score: 90

Awesome Photo Caption Contest

While judging of the previous contest is completed we are moving on to the next picture. The rules for this one are simple: Your caption must be a quote from a movie. (Include the name of the movie.)

No adaptions of quotes will be accepted. Also no gay jokes. They seem to keep popping up and they're just too easy.

I know what you're thinking, "Great! Movie quotes! How will the rest of us compete?!" Well, the only people who have left comments in the past have all been well studied in the art of movie speak.

About the picture - it's real. No photoshop involved. Just all woman. "What do you want me to do? Draw you a picture? Spell it out? Don't ever ask me! Long as you live, don't ever ask me more."

YouTube Comments

The host of the Polyphonic Spree Forum sent me an e-mail about how much he liked my "interpretation" of Suitcase Calling that I posted on YouTube. That made me feel pretty good. Someone else left a comment below the post that said, "you really didn't need the commentary, It would have been nicer with an interestin video to go with it." I guess some people just don't get it.

It's Photo Caption Contest Time Again

You know it's not as easy as you think. Go to Google images and search the words "hilarious," "funny," or "weird" and look at how many of the pictures involve cats. (What makes cat owners do this? It makes me think the internet may be evil after all.)

Anyway, there are no rules for this one. Just straight forward caption-making. Good luck.

Used To Be At The Bottom Of The Stairs

"Nobody is Perfect. Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities, and some, perhaps, not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should recognize his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good, son-of-a-bitch."

That hung framed in my grandparent's house for as long as I can remember. Over the years it moved to different walls, but it was always there. And it was always true. I was reminded of it while contemplating the demise of the aforementioned Assistant Chief.

Good News Everyone!

I just got a phone call from one of the guys at work.

You see I get called down for drug/alcohol tests all of the time. I think it has something to do with the fact that the Dicktor (that's right I said Dicktor not doctor) at the county health center falsely diagnosed me with "probable alcoholic hepatitis" (never had a drink). I called his diagnosis baseless and he said it wasn't a diagnosis because he only said probable. I fought to have it expunged from my file and lost. We had an hour long meeting which ended with a heated exchange and some choice words.

Anyway, Larry says I get called down because I'm a sure negative and that will keep the department's numbers good. Well, someone else decided to negatively affect the numbers. An Assistant Chief, whom many said would be the next director of the department, a man so consumed with image that he was called Chief Bling behind his back, apparently tried to smuggle someone else's urine into the health center. When confronted he was given the opportunity to test again and either refused or failed. He resigned under impending termination.

This man was in a position to command large scale fires and disasters, where citizens and firefighters' lives are in direct danger. The possibility of him doing so under the influence floors me. How could you live with yourself if someone else got hurt or killed? Then again, how could you live with yourself knowing that everyone knows you had someone else's urine in your pocket?

Long live drug testing.

A Cycling Sicko

I walk Ben home from school most days that I can. Actually we walk and ride. We walk with one of Ben's classmates and her mother. There is a point in the neighborhood when we part ways. We usually have not finished talking before this so we wrap it up while standing on the corner. From this point home I ride my bike and Ben rides his scooter.

Yesterday, while wrapping it up, a van pulled up and stopped. The passenger window rolled down and I said "hi" to the man in his early sixties but he didn't even acknowledge me. He spoke directly to Missy, the mother, and said, "is everything okay?" Missy and I were confused. We looked at each other. She didn't immediately respond and he said it again more insistent on getting an answer. "Is everything okay?" Missy replied, "Everything is great, why?" He replied something to the effect that she and her daughter looked like they might be in trouble.

Now, if standing on the corner talking and smiling while your children look at an ant mound looks like trouble...we're in trouble. There's a part of me that was glad this guy was willing to check on someone but what did he think I was? A pedophile or rapist whose modus operandi is to pedal up and then strike in broad daylight? And what was he going to do? I am thin compared to him and have half his years? Maybe he thought I was an infirm cycling sicko. Maybe he had a gun on the seat and was itching to squeeze one off at me.

Anyway, the whole thing pissed me off and it still does. But it also struck me as pretty funny. Not funny ha-ha. Just funny weird, I guess.

The Golden Dogs

I just heard these guys. I love this song and the video is really, really cool. Watch the video here or visit their website.

Incidentally, if something about the song sounds familiar, the keyboard is doing a little walk similar to this song.

Troy Revisited

(This was originally posted July 24, 2006.)

I'm not really in a funk but the second offering I make is along the lines of the last. It might be the saddest song ever. From the opening line, "It's the same with men, as with horses and dogs, nothing wants to die," to the last line "the well is full of pennies" this is pound for pound the most tragic, horribly sad, and moving song in my collection.

The song starts with Mr. Waits explaining to his live audience that this song is based on a newspaper article that he read. Therefore we can assume there is a story here, but his lyric is anything but a narrative. It is as though he only studied the pictures that accompanied the article and not the article itself. Gleaning every ounce of detail from them, he creates a painfully real world, the honesty of his uncomplicated words making the whole matter all the more terrible. His story more gut-wrenching for the fact that we fill in the missing pieces to the story with our own versions of tragedy, hurt, and loss.

The worst of all; the final verse. First sung from the point of view of a son watching his mother despair, and in the last lines switching to the mother's voice. She only wants her son back. And "the well is full of pennies."

The link to the song is in the right column of links on this page simply labeled: "Listen."

The Human Element

I had to post the link to this again because it was so good. I went out with friends last night and was talking about this commercial and how much I liked it.

Click here to watch.

Who Is Feeding Your Pet Snake And/Or Tarantula?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Star Wars premiere. Click here to watch one of the funniest ten minutes ever.

I'm A Tuber

So I finally got the whole YouTube uploading thing down. Here are the two Pop-up-audios that I did previously. I understand that some people couldn't watch the movies because they don't have Quicktime. This should fix all of that.

Click here to watch the Suitcase Calling movie. (The first three seconds are messed up on YouTube but the image corrects itself.)

Click here to watch the Someone Saved My Life Tonight movie. (Once again the first few seconds are screwed up.)

Camel Toads

This is an actual article from an advice column. An urban legend website confirmed all details except for whether the anonymous person asking for advice was sincere or writing to be funny. Regardless it is damn funny.

Legion Of Doom Beware

We went Trick-or-Treating last night with some friends. Ben was Mr. Incredible while Luke was either a Careless Superman or a Forgetful Clark Kent. The best moment of the whole night had to be when Luke, who was near the street, saw another Superman come out of the front door of a house and started angrily yelling at him, "Me Superman! Me Superman!"

Solid. Solid As A Rock Jesus

We found the Solid Rock Church in Ohio on our return trip. It features this sweet display facing I-75. Oddly enough the website says that Jesus is constructed of wood and styrofoam over steel. Rock would have been too much of a pun I guess.

Arby's Makes A Joke That Doesn't Have Anything To Do With Their Fries

This was posted in the Arby's next to the hotel we stayed in. I thought it was hilarious that the 3000th Arby's was #6618.

The Promised Land

Seems that I keep meeting people from Ohio. That's right. Keep meeting them everywhere but Ohio. Most of them love it which begs the question, "why did they ever leave?"

So I took the opportunity of Paula's cousin's wedding to visit the great state this last weekend. We borrowed my father-in-law's Land Cruiser (I owe him big time for that one because it made the nine hour drive bearable) and we set off last thursday. The trip up was okay and the boys behaved for the most part. The GPS navigational system in the Land Cruiser rules. Might have to get one of those.

We went to Tipp City, Ohio and stayed in a Holiday Inn Express. First thing you notice in the hotel is how many smoking rooms there are and how much they smell up the rest of the floor. The next thing you notice is the unbearable heat. Turns out the people in Ohio hate the cold more than southern folks do.

Friday, I and the boys, with Judy's Walt and Paula's uncle John went to the Air Force Museum in Dayton. It's really three huge airplane hangers loaded with just about every kind of plane the Air Force has ever flown with some rockets thrown in for good measure.
This picture is just to give you perspective on the size of these hangars. We are standing in the middle looking left. There is a whole other half to this hangar and two more this size.

That's right. An old plane circa WWI and Luke with his hands down his pants.

Luke strikes a pose in front of the models, which the boys seemed to like more than the real thing. Go figure.

This was taken inside one of the bombers. The boys are standing in the bomb compartment. I told them to look scared of all of the bombs. The tube at the top of the photo was for crewmen to slither through if they needed to get to the back of the plane. That way they didn't have to go near the bombs. Pretty smart.

Just a cool photo of a fighter.

We learned that day that Paula's Uncle Michael, who had also come up for the wedding, was a tailgunner in a B-24 over Europe during World War II. He didn't really talk about it much and that was okay by me since he seemed haunted by the experience. Here are some pictures of the B-24 that is in the museum.

This is a B-24 Bomber.

That's the tailgunner's position where Paula's uncle flew over Europe. He said he flew six missions which, "was six too damn many."

This is Uncle Michael, with his wife Helen, who is Paula's aunt/Judy's sister.

Saturday was the wedding. After the wedding party had all entered, just before the bride was to walk down the aisle, one of the wedding party picked up a large roll of rice paper and began walking it down the aisle toward the back of the church as it payed out. The only problem was that apparently they hadn't tried it before the actual ceremony and the paper ran out not even halfway down the aisle much to the surprise of the guy assigned the duty who just keeps going with the empty spool. Meanwhile the jagged end of the paper starts to turn up and then roll itself up in slow motion. Everyone on the aisle, including myself was transfixed on the image as it steadily marched back up toward the altar. A man jumped out from a pew (I was in the back of the church too far away to be a wedding hero, of course) stopped its progression and folded it under. I believe that I will start crashing weddings for the comedy.

Here are some pictures from the reception.

Judy and the boys. Don't they all look sooo-a-nice.

That's Paula's Grandmother Lois, her Aunt Carolyn, and Paula. Aunt Carolyn's daughter was the one that got married. Ben took this picture.

Luke cuts a mean rug with his Nana. He was a machine and had to be dragged off of the dancefloor.

Ben dances with Mommy. Check out Paula's expression. That's right, she's all mine.

At some point in every party the table decorations end up as hats. This was that point.

Overall, not a bad trip. We had a lot of fun.

Oh, Fish #2

Our beloved Fish #2 passed away tonight. Ben was sick and in bed watching a DVD when I noticed Fish #2 floating near the top, listing to starboard, and taking occasional gulps. My oh so delicate wife was almost moved to tears.

Ben decided he didn't want to be in bed anymore and took over the den as his sick headquarters. So I took the opportunity to check on Fish #2. I found him resting against the pump intake, gently removed him, and took him for his last swim. Farewell Fish #2.

Fish #1 had passed away last week. I only know this from the pile of bones behind the fake coral that I found all of the snails on. Oh the horror.

Fish #1 and #2 are survived by Fish #'s 3, 4, and 5 and Baby Snails #'s 1-142.

This One Took A While Longer

So I enjoyed doing the audio with commentary so much for the last post, I decided to do it again. Only this time it took ten hours. I wasn't expecting that. It was due in large part to solving certain software conversion problems and the fact that the song itself comes in at over eight minutes.

Click here to listen/watch.

Someone Saved My File Tonight

I recently learned that I have the space in my online storage to save and post more than one song for my running "Song Of The Moment" Theme.

This time, however, instead of posting an mp3 file for you to listen to seperately and commenting about it here, I have married the comments and music into a Quicktime Movie format. It can be viewed with Quicktime which is free and readily available on the internet if you don't already have it.

Changes in my social life in the last few years (including the closing of my favorite record store where I would spend hours socializing and discussing favorite music) has left a hole in me. This new venture allows me to have a one sided conversation (aren't those the best anyway?) about why this song is so great. Feel free to leave a one sided comment in agreement or disgust.

Click here to listen/watch.

Feed Me

So, it must happen a hundred times a day. Total strangers come up to me on the street and say, "man, I love your blog. If only there was a way to subscribe. It would be better than Christmas!" Well Virginia, there IS a Santa Claus.

I don't know about the other web browsers but on Safari (mac) to the right of the web address is a little thing that says RSS. If you click on that it takes you to my blog but in a different format. Once you're looking at the new format you just bookmark it. It's that easy. It's called an RSS Feed. From then on, every time I add content to my blog you will get a little number next to the bookmark representing how many updates there has been since you last saw it (which for a few of you might be a considerably large number.)

Or, you could just click here and then bookmark the page.

The State Answers My Prayers

The State's First Season has just been released on itunes.

Thinking about a Christmas present for yours truly? Don't bother, I already bought it.

Too, too cool. Bring on the second season!

A Trip To See The Fish

Click here to watch the movie.

(Due to the limited space I have for storing movies online the movie had to be reduced in quality. "Small veiwing window" and "Whale Shark" are two phrases that shouldn't go together.)

Another Dam Photo Caption Contest Is Closed. Jeremy?

Here are the Beaver Suicide Note winners according to her Honor Judge Paula:

First Place:
Boom Boom Becca for "Been nice gnawing you."

Simple and hilarious and first to post. Minus five points for the pun. Minus another five points for the shameless begging. Overall score = 90.

Second Place:
Wm. for "Marjorie, If you're reading this then you should know that it was your persistent nagging that led me to take such drastic measures. Your neverending pushing to keep up with the Muckrucks and that ostentatious upstream monstrosity they call a lodge has driven me to this. I've also seen the way you watch him slap-pack mud and sticks with that tail of his. Did you think I didn't know? So yes, it is our tree that I have chosen to die under and that you will find me beneath.

You were, at least, a good mother. Take care of the kits. There is money in the old stump by the rock that I was secretly saving. I think Sara is going to need braces in a few years.

Byron

P.S. The tree didn't crush my skull as planned but I am now trapped. If you don't find me first it will be a long slow death..........not unlike our marriage............ bitch."

Minus 17 points for being married to the judge. Overall score = 83

Third Place:
Mr. Doob for "To whom it may concern, I can no longer live with the knowledge that beavers, as a rule, are damaging the ecology of this planet. I recently had my Greenpeace membership revoked.Where is an ecologically conscious mammal to go? Let this act serve as a message to beavers of the world.

Wood is Murder.

Spotted owls be damned.

Yours in martyrdom,
A. Beaver"

Minus 20 points for naming the beaver "A. Beaver." Overall score = 80

Honorable Mention:
Chosen©er for "Forgive me, Wally."

Minus 45 points for winning the last two contests. Overall score = 55

Honorable Mention:
Helen the Greek for "I didn't see this coming."

Minus 72 points for a suicide note in which the writer is surprised he is dead. Overall score = 28

Congratulations to you all. You will all be receiving your prize COD. Have $83.56 ready (and it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a little something for tip.)

Jury Duty Update

I just found this picture on the internet of the dude that we convicted of stabbing the other dude.

Is there anyone other than Keith that gets this one?

Domo arigato Mr. Roberto.

Another Dam Photo Caption Contest

So here it is. Your next opportunity to be witty and impress all five people reading this.

This photo is an obvious fabrication. If the sheer improbability won't sell you then maybe the artist's name on the tree in the lower left corner can. I found it in an online collection of "funny photos," which it is neither.

But let's suppose for a second that it's straight out of the National Geographic (I've been nominated for membership). Further, let's suppose that Mr. Beaver did it on purpose...and that he left a note.

That's right, the assignment for this contest is to write a suicide note for a beaver. Good Ruck.

Why Are I So Dumb?

There are a few words which I keep hearing but can't seem to remember the definition of. I look them up and then forget. Then some lame-asses get together and use one of the words three times in a single issue of a magazine. Here they are in no particular order:

Sycophant - a servile flatterer. (Nothing comes to mind on this one.)
Hubris - excessive pride or self-confidence. (Makes me think of chickpeas and crackers.)
Obsequious - excessively attentive. (I keep thinking this is a kind of triangle.)
Paradigm Shift - a fundamental change in approach. (New BMW transmission, right?)

Here are some words that I am nominating to be locked away in the Disney vault:

Proactive, Enabler, Diva, Gravitas, Synergistic, and Reality

Feel free to add to either list in the comments section.

Listen While I Work

Just found this on the internet. Now you can listen to me work from anywhere on the planet. This is a scanner feed of our radio dispatch.

Listen with RealPlayer.
Listen with Windows Media Player.

I use the RealPlayer link. On my computer it downloads a small file and then I can click on the file and listen (as if I don't get enough of this at work). I can't get the Windows Media Player link to work. Maybe it's my computer. All of this can be found on scandekalb.com.

The picture is from the fire in April that I have talked about. Not that you can tell much from the photo, but this was a big fire. The building at the very left of the picture burned to the ground. The flames in the photo are the gas main on fire. This photo was actually taken about two hours into the incident. The gas fed a fire in the basement and the whole thing came down. Swell.

Happies Birthdays

Today is my paternal grandfather's birthday. He would have been 89 years old. I believe he was the greatest man I will ever know.

Jeremy and Michael share a birthday on Sunday and they are good men as well.

Merrin will have a birthday on Monday. She is my very cute niece.

Keith had a birthday on September 3rd that I didn't mention on this blog. He is probably the smartest friend I have.

Happy Birthday to all of you.

A Salty Song

Massive. Fateful. Theatrical. Dreamlike. Longing. Hulking. Eerie. Devastating. Tragic. Gloomy. Significant. Profoundly sad. Fierce. Ambitious. Multi-layered. Relentless. Terrifying. Strange. Bottomless. Black. Tremendous. Heart-rending. Wretched. Striking.

All describe this song. It's older and I found it quite by accident. The first time I heard it I was stopped in my tracks and for the next three days I listened to it over and over. How could something this incredible escape a broader audience? And so I offer it to you.

It begins with a hauntingly calm call for "all hands on deck" and continues "let no one leave alive." This song deceptively and skillfully paints the auditory equivalent of a terrible shipwreck, which from the consenting tone of the narrator seems to be anticipated and unavoidable. But this isn't the story of a ship which is sinking, but a ship sailing to another land from where the sailors will not return; a celebration of the soul's ultimate liberation.

(Formerly A Salty Dog by Procol Harum. This song has been removed from the rotation.)

The Convoluted Genius Of R. Kelly

For those of you not familiar with R. Kelly's Trapped In The Closet, let me refer you to the Wikipedia article which gives summaries for all twelve (that's right TWELVE) parts of this "hiphopera." It's a rambling, absurd, and confusing narrative sung entirely by R. Kelly and conspicuously missing a chorus. Mr. Kelly has hinted that there may be more parts to come. Below are links to the twelve existing parts.

Be warned! There are curse words involved including "sh*t," "a**es," "ni**ga," and an unbleeped "fu*k" at the end of chapter five to name a few. There is also simulated unintentionally comical violence and adult situations. But fear not, BET Network gave this a PG rating, as you can see at the beginning of some of the clips. That's right, PG, as in we don't feel that a story of sex, adultery, gay adultery, cursing, the momentary invocation of a christian ethic, token white trash, and a few prominent handguns (and that's all in just the first six chapters) warrant the harsh restrictions of the PG-13 rating. Apparently, young kids should be able to watch this and laugh, I mean learn. (Chapters 7-12 have been uploaded from the original with language intact.)

Seriously, this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It seems like a lot to watch but it's worth it. Revel in its badness.

Trapped In The Closet Chapter 1
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 2
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 3
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 4
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 5
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 6
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 7
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 8
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 9
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 10
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 11
Trapped In The Closet Chapter 12

Things I Really Don't Like

1. Meth.
2. Meth Mothers.
3. Meth Mothers covered in sores.
4. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor.
5. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early.
6. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital.
7. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing."
8. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing" and then lecture you about the evils of your medicines.
9. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing" and then lecture you about the evils of your medicines even though they called you.
10. Meth Mothers covered in sores who just delivered a baby on their nasty floor three months early and won't go to the hospital because they're doing the "natural thing" and then lecture you about the evils of your medicines, even though they called you, and how much healthier some woman is in Africa because she has only eaten dirt for forty years.
11. Meth Mothers that argue in circles.
12. Meth Mothers willing to jeopardize the health of their newborn for fear of being found out they are on meth.
13. Meth Mothers that think we don't know they're on meth.

Wiki Wiki Wiki

I came upon the word "pusillanimous" in the lyrics of a Rutles song. I looked it up and found out it meant "cowardly." It then occured to me that the "p" word, when used as an insult, is probably a variation of "pusillanimous." I mean it fits. After all, what is particularly insulting about calling someone a cat or female genitalia? However, call me a coward and get ready to see how I roll.

Seriously though, so I looked the "p" word up on Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia. It lists the origins of the word for all of its meanings but none seemed to fit as well as "pusillanimous." Noting the hole in the encyclopedia I was compelled to fill it. Click here to see the entry (note: there aren't any pictures of genitalia. If you want that, as I imagine you already know, it's only too easy to find.)

What's interesting about my theory (I say my theory although I find a few mentions on other pages to the same effect) is that I found a lot of pages with people calling other people "pusillanimous pu**ies." What's the opposite of a contradiction of terms? Maybe an agreement of terms? Anyway, calling someone a cowardly coward is a little ridiculous to me. Perhaps it's a double negative meaning heroic? Probably not. But maybe I've started the ball rolling on a greater understanding of the entymology of the "p" word as an insult.

One can only hope.