Update: Wait For It

So, last tuesday the watch guy calls me and leaves a message on my voicemail. He says, "Bill, it's Mitch with Hurley Roberts. Your new watch came in and we found your old one. Come by at your convenience."

"We found your old one."

This whole experience had renewed my feelings that I was living in a giant television show (click on the Truman label below.) Previously I had concluded that one reason why that wasn't possible was the notion of self-importance that would have to go with something like that. But this exercise with the watch was too ludicrous to be anything but scripted.

And now this?!

On the one hand I would be really glad to have my old watch back. On the other hand I was kind of excited about having a new and more rugged watch. So what if this whole thing was scripted? Maybe not a television show but a scam. Could this have been, from the beginning, an effort on their part to fix my old watch and then since they now have this extra watch sell me a new watch at "half price?" (It would be half of retail but probably more than they paid for it = they score a profit.) Do you run a scam for ten months? For a measely few hundred bucks?

I entered the repair shop not knowing what to expect. Mitch brought out both watches. He didn't say where they had located my watch but he did say that it still wasn't fixed. So for the price of the original estimate, $129.00, I took home the new watch. It took a lot longer than it should have, but I have, in the language of personal injury law, "been made whole."

And yeah, that's...wait for it... my arm it's on.

The Thing

I'm going to venture a little into B-Movie Catechism territory and talk about a film for a little bit.

The first time I saw The Thing I was twelve years old and was spending the night over at a friend's house. They had cable and The Thing was playing. I still remember sitting on the floor watching as a dog's face split like a banana peel. And it just got more gory from there. My mother didn't let me see most PG films so this was forbidden fruit. And like Adam and Eve I was sorry at the time that I tasted it. I had nightmares for a while after. (If you haven't seen the movie it was really groundbreaking in the amount of blood, guts, and monsters that looked like guts.

And that's what a lot of critics and regular people took from the movie (not that I blame them.) But if you separate the gore and view the movie from a storytelling and cinematic perspective the film approaches greatness.

The opening of the movie begins with a flying saucer hurtling toward earth which I personally could have done without. It seems to have been placed there for the slower audience members who later might question, "how did a flying saucer get buried in the ice?" So cut that part out.

The next thing you see is the title card in which light bursts through suggesting the nature of the monster killing from the inside out. It is genuinely creepy and was fashioned after the titlecard of the original film version of this story; The Thing From Another World, made in 1951.

The original short-story was about trust and here it was deftly fashioned into an allegory for the post World War II era in which it was made. The idea of a foreign body infiltrating and imitating someone you know echoed the concerns of the day; the spread of Communism and it's agents and sympathizers in the United States, and to some extent the film industry itself.

Similarly the 1982 version is an allegory of the times, only accidentally. Unbeknownst to the filmmakers, the AIDs epidemic was just beginning to make news. The similarities between the two, while completely accidental, are almost as creepy as the movie itself:

- The thing kills on the cellular level.
- The only way for the characters of the film to find out who is infected is to test their blood.
- The thing is projected to take over the world if it isn't stopped.
- The thing only attacks when two people are alone.
- The cast of the film is completely male (not indicative of AIDs as a disease itself but more of the prevailing notion early on that it was a "gay" disease.)

Anyway, the film really begins with a dog running over ice chased by a helicopter whose occupants are shooting at the dog. It's basic storytelling to begin the story in the middle, but basic isn't bad. On the contrary it's incredibly effective and you find yourself wanting to know more just as the characters of our story do.

Now I'm not going to give you a scene by scene blow. If you haven't seen the movie, you should. If you have then you know what I'm talking about. This movie does an excellent job of setting it's atmosphere. The music is perfect (a score not provided by the director himself which is unusual for this director.) The look of the film is perfect which is pretty hard considering there is a lot of snow and ice. Some of the lighting choices are brilliant; whole scenes are lit with flares alone. There are really great parts here.

But that's the problem. Atmosphere doesn't make a movie. And the gore keeps getting in the way.

By today's standards it's pretty tame and of course in our age of digital manipulation the foam rubber monsters and goo seem kind of fake in moments. But at the time it was a real gross out picture. Which is a tragedy because there are the makings of a really good movie here (Kurt Russel pictured below is excellent.)


Less is more. I've been saying it for a while now (ref.: "Why I hated the Jurassic Park movie.") I wish the filmmakers had opted to show us less. Some of the most memorable moments in the film are not the creature itself but the characters' reactions to it. Most are subtle changes in the face. Some are funnier moments (a certain stoner and a very memorable line.)

For me, Jaws is a perfect movie. And that movie's production was blessed with a shark that didn't work most of the time. Consequently they had to use the barrels to show you the shark was down there. It was absolutely brilliant but happened only out of necessity. Somebody out there tell me that the first shark attack of the movie isn't horrifying. And you don't see the shark during the whole thing! It's done completely with reaction and some very effective "breath" acting.

I guess I wish that The Thing had been plagued with similar problems. Its monster moments are at their best when the most subtle. For instance, the burned remains of the thing at the Norwegian science station still bother me when I see them today. They're a jumble of body parts and what looks like two half faces separated by about six inches but joined together in this truly hideous morphing of flesh that results in a grotesque expression not unlike the faces of Thalia and Melpomene (the smiling and frowning masks that symbolize comedy and drama.) It leaves space for your imagination to work.

Another memorable monster moment that still works is when the characters corner one of their own who has been taken over but isn't completely changed. At first, when he turns, he looks human in all aspects but the camera slowly reveals that he has these weird and gross crab/claw hands. The monster in mostly human form then lets out this slow otherwordly wail just before they kill it. Like I said, still very creepy.

And no, I don't see the appeal of today's horror movies. They appear to me to be no more than a competition to see who can be the most twisted. The idea of a monster that "could" exist has been replaced with the idea of a monster that does exist in our world: a person doing horrible things to another person.

Anyway, there's more good in this movie than bad. If you haven't seen it, check it out. If it's been a while since you've seen it, watch it again. Just watch it through a pair of rose colored glasses, if you will. And after all, what's more fun than pink snow?

Wait For It

Last July, I decided not to get a new watch. My old one had begun to fog up on the inside and I couldn't seem to get it repaired at the mall. At first I wanted to just replace it with a more sturdy one that I could wear while at work but I found that to get a really good watch for that type of abuse is cost prohibitive. I mean, who's gonna take a thousand dollar watch into a burning building?

So I decided to get the old one fixed. I found, through a dive shop that I called, a certified Seiko repair shop: Hurley Roberts. The repair shop is in a small suite in a large industrial park. Nothing about the business, except the website, screamed professionalism but those are generally the places that do the best work, right?

Flash to December, five months later, and the repair shop claims they haven't received the parts for my watch yet. I tell them that "there isn't anywhere on Earth that is five months from here." (Or maybe it's the geographical oddity Clooney's character spoke of.) Frustrated, having few other options, and trying to get last minute shopping done I decide to give them until after Christmas.

Just after New Year's Day I pop in and they tell me my watch is done, like it's been done for a while and why didn't I pick it up sooner? Anyway, they replaced the seals and the battery.

But, wait for it -- the watch isn't running now. That's right, it ran before I took it to them. So they hold on to the watch, say they are going to fix it and that they will give me a call.

Flash to late March. Still haven't heard from them (don't even try calling because they literally don't answer their phones.) I show up at the repair shop ready to demand my watch, fixed or not. After all, seven months is long enough to get a watch fixed, right?

But they -- wait for it -- can't find my watch. The guy looking is everything you would expect in a watch repairman. He has the small magnifying glasses that are attached to his eyeglasses. He's overweight from a lifetime of moving only his fingertips. And he looks like he doesn't spend much time getting ready in the morning before driving in to work.

This guy spends about fifteen minutes going through hundreds of stacks of bins, twenty bins high, looking for the one with my work order number on it. He finally comes back and says that my watch must be in the vault. My Seiko that I got for about $350 twelve years ago is important enough to lock in the vault? The vault that is so important only one person has access?

And -- wait for it -- he's not here today. It gets better. The only man with access to the vault is on vacation and won't be back for a week.

At this point it's beyond infuriating. I'm starting to laugh about the whole thing. So a week goes by and I show up wanting my watch. Mitch, our vault man, tells me without even checking the vault that they have lost my watch. By "lost" I guess he means in the building somewhere no further than 75 feet in any direction.

So Mitch plops the old Citizen catalog down in front of me and tells me to pick out a replacement watch in the $500 range. I pick out the watch pictured above based on the features that Mitch advises I should get on a watch that is going to take some serious abuse.

And that's reasonable I think. I'm going to end up with a much better watch. I mean, I liked my old watch. It definitely had some sentimental value, but this isn't a bad solution to the problem of my fogged up watch.

Flash to mid-April. I still haven't heard from Mitch who promised to call me when the new watch came in. Amazingly, I get him on the phone and he says that the watch will be in by Tuesday of this week. He asks me to measure my wrist so that he can size the band. Sounds good. Sounds promising.

Today I went in to the shop to give him my wrist measurement. The watch hasn't come yet. He promises he'll have it by Monday.

I'm think I'm going to have to -- wait for it -- that's right; wait for it.

What I've Learned So Far

This July marks ten years for me as a firefighter. What follows, in no particular order, is some of what I now know to be true.


1. “Firefighting is an inherently dangerous occupation.” from a warning label in my helmet.

2. Firefighting isn’t as dangerous as you think; it’s more dangerous in ways you’ve never thought of.

3. The majority of firefighting is common sense. A lot of people don’t have common sense.

4. There is no such thing as “Fire Proof.” Everything burns.

5. It can always get worse.

6. A small group of people can grow to an out of control mob in only a few minutes.

7. A Mack fire engine can be driven through a turn with all of the left side wheels off of the ground for about thirty feet.

8. Renter’s insurance is the best $200 you will ever spend.

9. Pit bulls are inherently dangerous and can tear a person into pieces.

10. Cars rollover all of the time.

11. Drugs are ten times as prevalent and one tenth as lethal as I had thought.

12. A lot of people don’t like cops until they need one. Everyone likes a firefighter until they “take too long” getting there.

13. Sometimes people that are talking to you will drop dead.

14. Bullets: Small hole going in, big hole coming out.

15. There are a lot of people who get hysterical in an emergency.

16. Seatbelts save lives.

17. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.

18. Some of the best people I know I met at work.

19. Most people have better guns than aim.

20. Flies in a hotel window are not a good sign.

21. People will continue to lie even if theirs or someone they love’s life is on the line.

22. We don’t always have the best equipment.

23. Cars on fire don’t explode. Tires on cars on fire explode.

24. Receiving oral pleasure is enough to send an epileptic into a seizure. The epileptic’s “friend” who was “just using the phone” isn’t really his friend. And his wallet wasn’t empty five minutes before you got there.

25. The average taxpayer believes that a dollar paid in fire tax magically buys ten times what a dollar will buy when they use it at the store.

26. The majority of the population does not know the definition of the word “emergency.”

27. A lot of sick people don’t bathe.

28. The human body contains a lot of blood.

29. Most people don’t know the difference between steam and smoke.

30. A car can literally drive through another car.

31. Most people have cardiac arrests on Sunday morning.

32. The fancier the fire engine the more it is likely to break.

33. The prevailing wisdom is that if a job isn’t for the police or sanitation departments, it must be the fire department’s job.

34. People not in their right minds can suddenly become unbelievably strong.

35. Some live people smell worse than dead people.

36. Television shows about firefighting aren’t based in reality.

37. A drug user that moments before was clinically dead will sit up and yell at you for cutting her bra.

38. Most citizens wrongly believe that everything in the station and on the truck was bought with “their money.”

39. Most people don’t know the difference between carbon monoxide and natural gas.

40. Fire can do amazing things.

41. All bleeding will eventually stop.

42. Some dogs are not all bark.

43. Mack fire engines were the best.

44. Some people don’t want to be rescued.

45. Most firefighters enjoy the respect their occupation receives but avoid the “hero” label.

46. People with a long history of panic attacks seem to forget that what they’re having is a panic attack and call 911.

47. Your best chance in a fire is to save yourself.

48. Infant CPR is the hardest.

49. Always check to see if two Dobermans are in a fenced area before you jump the fence.

50. A burned body in a fire can retain heat for hours.

51. Being in a fire engine that is uncontrollably sliding downhill on ice and shows no signs of stopping is a sickening feeling.

52. For everything there is a first time.

53. Firefighting isn’t about being fearless. Firefighting is conquering fear.

54. 343 is a very large number.

55. A body with a bullet hole through the head isn’t always dead.

56. Where there’s smoke there’s fire. Where there’s fire there isn’t always smoke.

57. Firefighters that refer to themselves as “hero” are usually the furthest from it.

58. The protective qualities of your turnout gear can get you deeper into a fire than you should be.

59. Breaking the rules to get the job done is okay until you screw up.

60. Suddenly coming face to face with a dog in a closet while searching a smoky room on your hands and knees will scare the crap out of you.

61. It’s never the blood. It’s the fact that the dead woman has the same shoes as your wife.

62. There is nothing attractive about the backstage area of a strip club.

63. We have to make ourselves laugh sometimes.

64. A lightening strike can lead you to a dying man in time to save him.

65. There are at least twenty people I would immediately fire in our department if given the chance.

66. I will have no man on my engine who is not afraid of fire. (a corruption of a quote from Moby Dick)

67. Firefighting is the best job in the world.

68. Sometimes it’s better to lie to your wife and tell her you had a good day.

Go Figure

So the YouTube people just sent me an e-mail:

Dear Member:

This is to notify you that we have removed or disabled access to the following material as a result of a third-party notification by Universal Music Publishing Group claiming that this material is infringing.

The material they are referring to is my pop-up-video minus the video for Prince's Kiss. Wouldn't you know the little purple bastard would object? Probably because out of all of the videos I have done, his had less than a hundred hits at the time it was taken off. Kenny Rogers, meanwhile, keeps truckin' on with just under 5000 views this very moment.

You Should See This

First, Keith now has an official website that acts as an online resume. If you feel like getting yourself a severe case of creativity envy check it out.

Second, I found the company that does all of the Turner Classic Movies spots. They're called Raygun. The site has a bunch of spots they've done for TCM as well as Discovery, CNN, and other television channels. Check it out.

Some New Videos (Kind Of)

I uploaded some videos to YouTube yesterday.

The first is from a zoo visit before Luke was born. Paula wanted to take some video of our trip to the zoo for something they were doing at work. It wasn't ever intended to be put together like this. I just used what footage she had. She has kind of an unsteady hand at times but, in my opinion, it adds to the charm.

At The Zoo.

The second is the Turner Classic Movie promo featuring Beck's Lonsesome Tears. To those of you who haven't seen me for some time, it may come as a shock to find out how little I have to do with movies now. I might make it to the theater twice a year, I might rent movies four times in a year, and I sincerely don't give a crap about the Oscars or anything else to do with 'em. But once a year I see something that makes me wish I was still trying to make it in that business. This promo is one of them. Shots of old movies put to a great song with new footage of drops of water intercut that makes for pure magic. Along with the Dow Human Element spot (you can find it in my YouTube Favorites on my profile) this spot musters a fleeting hint of regret in me.

TCM Promo.

Some New Blogs

There are a couple of new blogs linked in the right hand column.

The first is David's Blog about B Movies and Catholicism.

The Second is Jeremy's Blog which features pictures he takes at the music shows.

Be sure to check both of them out. And I'm sure they would love it (as much as I do) if you left a comment or two.

Drake Bell

What follows is a review of the Drake Bell album It's Only Time written by Jeremy Frye and reprinted here with his permission. I wanted to share it with you for two reasons. First, I really like the album and want you to like it too (I have Jeremy to thank for introducing me to it.) Second, I wanted to share the review for the sake of the review. Jeremy, in my opinion, writes very well and has a gift for making each review unique (I, on the other hand, tend to fall into a pattern when writing about music.)

I have included a sample of two of the tracks at the end of this post.

Drake Bell-It’s Only Time (Universal Motown)

Twenty year old tweener heartthrob Drake Bell, star of Nickelodeon’s Drake & Josh, couldn’t be less on my radar. In fact the previous sentence features more information than I knew about him five minutes ago (I looked up his age). He dabbles in music, apparently, and his second album, It’s Only Time, was released by Universal Motown in December 2006. While I have no real preconceived notions of the boy, my instincts tell me I’d have no interest in his musical output. I’m glad I chose to override my instincts this go round.

The Beatles, specifically Yellow Submarine-era, are an obvious influence, but whether accidentally or on purpose, it’s impossible upon hearing this CD not to think of Jellyfish. The slick, polished arrangements and Andy Sturmer-like voice recall beyond flattery the oft-cited, under-selling early 90’s power-pop band. If you’ve ever heard 1990’s Bellybutton or 1993’s more ornate, Queen-like Spilt Milk, you will immediately recognize this precise imitation. The first track, “Up Periscope,” is a Jellyfish song through and through. During the kind of silly nautical intro, the voice over the intercom even says, “Do what you can do to avoid those jellyfish.” The guitar strum of “Makes Me Happy” is a direct cop of “Baby’s Coming Back.” Given the fact that this disc is presumably geared to teen girls, and Jellyfish’s relatively unknown status and commercial failure, it is easy to assume this is all coincidence, but one never knows.

What teen girls like makes even less sense to me now than when I was a teen boy, but I can’t figure them swallowing this CD beyond thinking the cover shot is dreamy. Sure, the lyrics are all boy-meets-girl stuff, but the shimmery, sweeping arrangements, thick harmonies, and weird instrumentation, sound enticingly out of place here. This is not R&B-flavored, over-singing boy band material. A few of these tunes, “I Know,” and the title track especially, would fit right in on Radio Disney, and even those are good songs. For the most part, though, this is an odd little sugary confection, a left-field surprise for power-pop lovers out there. As with any teen star, it’s hard to know if this is his vision or one of his handlers,’ but a little insight may be offered in the chorus to “Fool The World,” which says, “Everyone would love me, if I could fool the world.” Seeing as it will be nearly impossible for Bell to be taken seriously by the out-of-high-school music buying public, that statement rings surprisingly true.

Listen. For me the most Jellyfish moment on this entire album comes at 4:50 during this sample (the last sung line.)

Also you can check out his website for streaming audio of two more songs in the upper right hand corner. Click on "Media" and watch the video for "I Know." (I really want to cut his hair.)

Just A Note

Dear Mr. Wallpaper Installer,
I noticed your van in a parking lot today and wanted to offer you a few suggestions.

1. The large sticker/sign on your van reads "Wallpaper Installer." In the future, you might want to make sure it is hung straight as you are in the business of hanging things.

2. The edges of your large sticker/sign "Wallpaper Installer" are curling up. This also tends to make me think you don't do such great work.

3. You also might want to include a phone number on your sign, unless you specialize in driving up to locations and cold calling people that might need some paper hung.

I wrote my blog address on your sticker/sign and I'm hoping that you found your way here. Anyway, just thought you'd want a little constructive criticism. Happy to help.

Bill

You Asked For It

Overweight? Stop looking at fat people. Want a new car? Visualize yourself sitting behind the wheel.

Last week Newsweek had an article on a book and DVD titled The Secret by Rhonda Byrne that Oprah and Ellen Degeneres have featured on their shows. Oprah actually devoted two shows to The Secret.

(Please read the article here before you continue. What follows I have written assuming that you have.)

Let me begin by saying that I haven't read the book and am only commenting on what I learned while reading the article in Newsweek. But something appeared obvious to me that the article either failed to mention or intentionally avoided. It is the biggest conceit within The Secret.

As mentioned in the article, The Secret can be boiled down to the three word mantra: Ask. Believe. Receive. But I believe that this "Secret" has been around for thousands of years. According to the article, Oprah claimed to have been living by this philosophy her entire life without realizing it. And look how successful she is! It must work!

I suggest that the majority of people on this earth live by this creed already. I think that it has been around for thousands of years because "Ask. Believe. Receive." is the basis of most, if not all, religions of the world. It's called prayer: Ask God. Believe God is listening. God will answer your prayers.

The difference between prayer and what The Secret promises is that while practicing the Law of Attraction you hold all the responsibility for your fate. If you don't get what you want it's your fault for thinking negatively. Bad things happen to you? It's because you worry too much. In contrast, prayer puts the granting of your wishes in God's hands. If your prayers aren't answered it's because it's not part of God's plan. The Secret puts everything in the lap of the person using it. This self-help philosphy seems to hold the potential for destroying the person practicing it.

Aside from the fact that this "new" way to live isn't new, the most disturbing part of the article for me is this passage:

"The law of attraction is that each one of us is determining the frequency that we're on by what we're thinking and feeling," Byrne said in a telephone interview, in response to a question about the massacre in Rwanda. "If we are in fear, if we're feeling in our lives that we're victims and feeling powerless, then we are on a frequency of attracting those things to us ... totally unconsciously, totally innocently, totally all of those words that are so important."

If an infant is murdered is Byrne suggesting that the infant was thinking negatively? Therefore the infant had it coming? Or is it a parent's fault that they weren't visualizing good things for their child?

I can't properly put into words how worked up this article has gotten me. It makes me wish that some horrible fate befall the author, Byrne. I find myself wanting her to physically suffer to the point that she truly regrets hawking this crap. I want her to suffer until she publicly abandons her own "convictions" and returns the money she has made as penance.

But apparently I'm in the minority. Nearly 1.5 million of her DVDs have been sold and 1.75 million of her books are in print. Here's hoping none of them read this and try their mojo on me. Here's hoping I'm not wrong.

The White Whale Turns 1000

That's right. We have hit 1000 visitors. Here are some stats:

--The average visitor has visited the site 200 times.

--As a visitor, there is a 1 in 5 chance you were the 1000th visitor.

Thanks for playing with me.

Prince's Kiss

My latest Pop-Up-Video Minus The Video is now available on YouTube. Below is the link to it as well as Prince's Kiss video that is discussed during it.

Prince's Kiss Video
My Pop-Up-Video Minus The Video of the song.

For some reason the video and audio are out of sync in the first couple of seconds but they correct themselves. I uploaded a few times to try and resolve it. Oh well. Suffer Pope.

I Should Give Up Already

First, I piss people off; now this. I found this blog a few months ago and now feel like sharing. Don Shank posts his doodles and "scraps" on his blog. I love his stuff and it makes me feel like my blog is a complete waste of time. This guy's stuff is so cool and he's constantly creating. His profile says that he's a Geometry Architect. I think he's really an artist working in movin' pictures. He apparently had something to do with concept art for The Incredibles as shown in one of his posts.

A warning: Most of his posts are of lines, trees, a character named Kurt, and other doodles. But he does throw in the occasional endowed nude woman (think of what an invitation to the Playboy Mansion would have looked like in the sixties.) And honestly, if I could draw and paint like he does I probably would draw neckid women too.

An Open Apology

I have in the past made posts or comments on this blog that have been taken in ways other than I have intended. It is never my intention to address problems with my friends or other readers through this medium. I view this blog as drivel. It really is stuff that just pours out of my head and I should try a little harder to regulate the flow or at least control it.

With this blog, in its limited history, I have managed to offend some of you who have commented about it. I fear that I have offended more who haven't. In most cases I see only too late how my comments have been taken the wrong way. Sometimes, though, I can't understand how people got the wrong idea (a few people have asked me which friend's child destroyed my Dracula even though I said that it was a stranger's child.)

Let me say, for the record, that if I ever have a problem with any of you, I won't use this blog as my means of addressing it. I think more of our friendships than to do that. This is not my only means of communicating. It's just a "clearinghouse" for all of the thoughts that are either not important enough to mention in everyday conversation or are on my mind at the moment. It's just cheaper than therapy.

Please believe me when I say, "I am sorry."

The Golden Dogs Comin' On Strong

I recently ordered a bunch of new music from a record store and was surprised to find that one of the cd's was a whopping $23.00. It apparently is only available in Canada or you can buy it in the US as an import. I realized too late that I could have downloaded it from iTunes for $9.99.

But my shock at the price has dissolved upon repeated listenings. You see, I bought this record on the strength of the only song that I had heard from it. It's a gamble I've taken before that sometimes doesn't pay off. But other times I find bands that I really like, and this album is well worth the price.

Anyway, this album rocks. Literally. It's a superball of energy ricocheting around the inside of the shower (remember?) A lot of the comments on iTunes mention the B-52's but I can't find any similarities other than the fact that sometimes the female vocalist sounds a little like Kate Pierson. No, I see these guys more like an angry Sugarplastic mixed with The New Pornographers. They definitely have the pop sensibilities and have turned the amps up a little more.

Stand out tracks on the album include "Saints At The Gates" which sounds like Pink Floyd's "The Trial" mixed with Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk" sung by Tom Waites. Sound odd? Well it rocks. It's the song you play fourth in a set to really get the crowd with you. Listen to a sample here.

Track number seven titled "Strong" channels Carl Newman's ensemble to the point that I think Neko Case has joined The Golden Dogs and is singing. (I found a note scribbled on a piece of paper while driving that noted how much I liked this song, which I heard on XM Radio. It's what got me to look into them on the internet.) Listen to a sample here. Hang in there for the last thirty seconds when they start trading "downs."

"Never Meant Any Harm" is the track that initiated this purchase and is still my favorite. As I mentioned in a previous post, the keyboard in this song borrows from the Cars' "Hello Again."

All of the tracks can be listened to in their entirety on the band's website. And while I invoke other bands and songs in my description of the album, let me make it clear that I think this is something new and great. I love it.

Consider downloading it from iTunes or somewhere else. Like I said, it was worth the $23.00 in my opinion, but I don't think the band will see any of that extra money. So save the dough and buy a shirt at the show when they come to town. I'll see you there.

West Elm = The Devil

This is the e-mail exchange I had today with West Elm Customer Service. We bought a bed frame and headboard from them. Read below about how I will never ever use them again.

My original e-mail -


I wanted to write to tell you how unhappy I am with my experience ordering furniture from you.

We ordered a bed frame and headboard. The bed frame arrived and was not finished. By "not finished" I mean that holes were either not drilled or were off by 1/2 inch making the bed impossible to assemble. I contacted customer service and Amanda #2440 was very helpful and made me happy again. She arranged for another bed frame to be delivered and for the trouble she refunded 15% of my order. I was happy.

We received the new frame and I called to have you arrange to have the bad one picked up by UPS. They only picked up one of the two boxes. I then had to call again and have you send UPS out again.

Last weekend we were supposed to receive the headboard and had been given a timeframe at which it would be delivered. Then we received a call telling us that something had happened with the truck and delivery would be rescheduled. It was rescheduled for 9 to 11 a.m. today.

Our doorbell rang at 6:30 this morning! The driver said they had tried to call us. I replied that we turn our phones off while we're asleep.

What's more, the box the headboard is packaged in is completely destroyed. (Every box I have received from you is either completely destroyed upon delivery or just holding on) It looks like it has been repaired previously. The headboard appears to be in okay condition but I am not removing it until my camera battery can charge and I can take a picture of the box's condition at delivery in case there is damage. I am wondering now if waking someone up to deliver in the dark is a good way to get them to accept damaged merchandise.

As I said, I am very disappointed with your company in all aspects, except for operator #2440.

William V.


Their reply -


William,

west elm strives to offer quality merchandise and service to our customers. When it is brought to our attention that we have not met our customers' expectations, it is disheartening to us. We appreciate the time you took to share your experience with us. We will forward your concerns to the appropriate department. If the Head Board has damage, please contact our furniture team at 800-621-4097 and we will be happy to arrange the pick up and replacement. Again, we sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this has caused. If we may be of any further assistance, please contact us.

Regards,

Kristina Hunter
west elm
Customer Service


My reply -


West Elm Customer Service,

Your reply to my e-mail is a cookie cutter response full of standard phrasing designed to placate. Unfortunately, it has had the opposite effect. It is as though you only skimmed my e-mail; an e-mail that contained concerns which bothered me enough to write to you at 6:40 in the morning. Do you cut and paste from a list of phrases?

And your reply has a finality to it. You apologize for not meeting the "customer's expectations" while never directly mentioning the fact that your shipper woke me up this morning from a dead sleep at 6:30 (a morning that, coincidentally, I had arranged for my children to stay with their grandparents so that my wife and I could sleep in.) And you don't address why they did it. You are going to "forward my concerns" but don't indicate that you are actually going to look into it and get back to me.

Let me reiterate that the generality of your reply has removed all doubt as to whether I will use your company again; I won't and regret my purchase. I plan to share this e-mail exchange and the details of my purchase experience on the internet in every way possible to insure that others do not make the same mistake.

Customer Service Representative Amanda, #2440, should be commended for delivering excellent customer service, which is apparently in short supply in your company.


Congratulations,

William V.

How Peter Pan Gets All-Up-In-Ya

Guess who was sick since Saturday? That's right, yours truly. It started with an uneasy feeling in my stomach on Saturday afternoon. I remarked to Paula that I thought I would feel better if I made myself sick. That moved right into four fun filled days at home in the bathroom as my system, unbeknownst to me, fought the dreaded scourge pictured at right. That's right, salmonella! Paula called me last night at work and said that our Peter Pan peanut butter bore the mark on the lid identifying it as a culprit in the many, many salmonella poisonings. Sweeet. Curse you, Pan!



Of course, I had considered using this image and titling this entry "Pan Gets The Captain In The Behind" but decided not to do so for fear it would be in bad taste.

Pop Quiz

1. If invited to a stranger's house for dinner, you should:

a. Let your child run wild, rip a page out of your host's hardcover Dracula, illustrated by Edward Gorey, and make a joke about "owing you another Dracula."
b. Sit down to the dinner table first and sit at the head of your host's table
c. Both A and B
d. None of the above

2. If your host has a problem with your answer to Question 1, he is:

a. Acting unreasonably
b. Wound too tight
c. Not feeling well
d. Completely justified expecting you to act courteously and respect his house.

Photo Caption Contest: Death In A Red Shirt

Mr. Doob was right when he commented that this one was harder than the rest. I, myself, never came up with anything worth submitting. It was disappointing but time not completely wasted.

After a long silence here are the results:


First Place:
Mr. Doob with "Sir...it's Chekov...he want to show me his 'wessel.'" It was the best of anything submitted for the fact that he used the plural "want."
Score: 85

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Sir...it's the Klingon Commander...he wants to uncloak his Bird of Prey."
Score: 80

Third Place:
Jeremy Frye with "Sir, it's an Earth mexican restaurant. They want to know how much for the painting." for bringing the Latino community a little closer to Star Trek. After all, Montalban was the only one they allowed on the ship. And he was banned forever after because he was a "superior intellect."
Score: 70

Calling All ?

So I was recently discussing with a friend where my whole Pop-Up-Video minus the video videos were going. I was worried that my latest attempts were becoming more and more distant from the original concept. My original concept being a one-sided conversation about a song. Kind of like how I used to do in my favorite record store. We would listen and comment about how great that particular part of the song was. Or where you were the first time you heard it. Or who you think of every time you hear it.

Whatever. Point being I don't have anywhere to do that kind of thing now. You can meet up with friends but you usually don't have the ability to listen and concentrate on music in those settings. Or if you do the girls tend to get mad and say that, "you're ruining the party." So I suggested to one such friend that they should submit a video for a favorite song. Then it hit me.

I am now soliciting comments from you for your favorite song or songs. All you have to do is provide the commentary and the time at which the comment should happen in the song. I will convert them to title cards and synch them to the music. That will keep me in it and guarantees a certain amount of consistency. I will also post them under my YouTube account if you don't have one of your own.

I think this is a really exciting idea and hope some of you take me up on it. Just e-mail me your timeline with comments.

P.S. If you want to do your version of a song that's already been done, that's cool too. Just remember; no visuals. The woodcut of the ship for Mariner's Revenge was a mistake. I realize that now.

Human Space Invaders

I just found this on YouTube. I'm still laughing.

Click here.

Showering With Me

In an effort to share a little bit more of what it's like to be me, I thought I would let you peak inside my brain for just a bit. So here's what went through my head while I was showering this morning:


"I am showering........"Showering" isn't what I am.....It's what I'm doing.........It's an adverb.......Hey!.......It's a verb that is describing me...It's an adjective verb...an adverb...why didn't any of my teachers tell me that's where the name came from? It all makes sense now...........Or did they teach me?.....maybe I forgot that they taught me......I forget lots of stuff.......They say you use only four percent of your brain, maybe I just wasn't using that percent......Or is it six?......[the movie] Defending Your Life was funny......Did I just wash my hair?........Do it again just in case.......I wonder why we use so little of our brains?.......Kind of blows the whole theory of evolution to bits.......Why would we evolve a brain so large that we don't use?................Or maybe we do........Maybe our brains are used to do other things we don't know about like extra bandwidth on the internet that gets leased out because it's not getting used..........Maybe my brain is the only thing keeping a waterfall in Brazil going..........Did I just disprove a part of the Theory of Evolution?..........In the shower?!.........Time to rinse."

Honestly, that's how it went almost verbatim. Feel free to leave a comment about your own disjointed thought processes so that I don't feel so alone.

And just for the record, we use all of our brain. The whole partial brain thing is a myth.

The Mariner's Revenge

So my latest "Pop-Up-Video minus the video" video is now available on YouTube. I think it's my weakest yet, not for lack of trying. It's just that when I finished I realized it just wasn't there. But it incorporates some passages from a favorite book that I have been looking to use for the last ten years. Let's just think of it as cleaning out the basement before moving on to better things.

Anyway, just click here.

Just Some Stats

Here are the stats this date for the videos that I have posted to YouTube so far.

The Aquarium Video - 9 views
Suitcase Calling Video - 695 views
Someone Saved My Life Tonight - 864 views
The Gambler - 1005 views

Kenny Rogers? Most popular? Go figure.

Virgin Eyes

Okay, usually you guys jump on the captions pretty quick. Maybe Mr. Doob is right. So I edited the photo for the virgin eyes among us. Anyone that wants to look at how the painting is without the bar, you can see it here.

Any other picture, the gay jokes fly. Show a painting of some hoo-hoo's and they run for the hills.

Photo Caption Contest: The Next Generation

I couldn't resist. Here are the rules:

Most of Uhura's dialoge on Star Trek went something like, "Sir, it's the admiral they want to know our position and...." or "Sir, it's a green girl. She wants to know your position."

So that's it. The caption must be a quote from the Uhura in the painting acting as the communications officer of the Enterprise. She must be trying to "engage" one of the crew, and all must follow this format:

"Sir...it's __________, I/he/she/we/etc. want to _______________."

Contact The Away Team

I don't mean to pick on one person in particular. On the contrary there are a lot of people using them. But last night at basketball practice I finally had enough.

The man that coaches Ben's basketball group always has one of the Blue-Tooth phone earpieces in. Always. I haven't ever seen him without it. And he stresses to the kids that when he blows his whistle they are to be quiet and listen; they are to give him their undivided attention. See the problem here?

How can you stress someone giving you their attention when you have prepared yourself to be interrupted at a moment's notice? And we've all seen these people. You at first think they are talking to you. Then you realize that they are talking to their own ear.

I guess this goes to the whole "How connected should we be?" discussion. I'm as guilty of it as anyone with a cell phone. Even though you can opt not to answer it, the person you are conversing with is distracted wondering if you are going to answer it.

Still, I'm not going to stick one of those damn things in my ear. No, even Uhura took hers out when she wasn't using it. I think I'll wait for the Star Fleet insignia that you wear on your chest and use as a communicator. Engage!


(On a side note. When you search Google images for the name "Uhura" the first, and most popular image is a painting of her nude. The next is a picture of her in fetish boots. What's going on with the Trekkies? Have we underestimated them?)

What Is "Volunteered?"

Ben told us tonight that he is a member of the Smoke Rise Elementary Student Council. We asked him how he became a member. He didn't say anything immediately so we prompted him, "did you volunteer?" He replied, "No. Everyone in class was told to put our heads down on our desks and then Ms. Jordon came over and said, 'Congratulations, you are going to be our Student Council Representative.'"

"Nature vs. Nurture, Zack. And Nature always wins."

The Insight Of Keanu Reeves

Actually it's his character in a movie that had the insight.

Last shift we went on a reported house fire. We were first on scene and found light smoke showing with the occupant, a large black woman in a muu-muu, standing outside of the open front door. (I only offer these details as I am trying to paint a picture. Don't anybody get their panties in a wad just yet. There's plenty of time for that in a second.)

When I approached her she said, "the kichen's on fire! There's a mice inside!" We go in to find chicken frying on the stove with the oil smoking heavily and about to light off. Pretty standard call. Pretty funny. And no, we never found the "mice."

I cancelled the other responding units and we stuck around to blow the smoke out of the house with our fans. Turns out the woman found a "mice" on a glue trap in her kitchen and, as we say, de-assed the residence. She's going on and on about this "mice" for a few minutes when she slips in that her kids are afraid of it too.

Kids? KIDS?!!!

She had locked them in the back bedroom when the oil started to smoke so that they would be safe. Now let me remind you that this woman thought her house was on fire. HER HOUSE WAS ON FIRE. And she thought the best thing to do with her four children, aged 2 to 7, was to lock them in a bedroom so that, in the off chance that they are at least as smart as their mother and would want to flee a burning house, they wouldn't be able to.

I thought I was going to puke. Literally. My stomach knotted up at the thought of how close this came to being a real tragedy. But anger soon took over and the urge to vomit subsided. Fortunately, it took about ten minutes to blow the house out and this gave me time to cool down before I lectured the "mother."

Another captain suggested that we maybe get family services involved. But I don't think this was an intentional attempt to harm her kids. If that was the case, she would have "called from a neighbor's house after finding her entire house on fire," or something like that.

Keanu Reeves' character in Parenthood said it best; "...you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a [parent]."

Oh, and next time anybody questions why I want to live away from other people, read the above again.

The Aquarium Video, Again

Just added the aquarium video to YouTube for those of you who haven't seen it before. It's a little bit better resolution than the previous post.

All of my YouTube videos are now linked in the right column.

Judy's Joke

A plane bound for Melbourne, Australia is closing it's doors having completed boarding when a blonde in coach sees an open seat in First Class. She bolts up the aisle and plops down. A stewardess that witnesses the upgrade goes over to the blonde and explains that she will have to return to the coach section of the plane. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne, and I'm not moving from this seat."

The stunned stewardess finds the First Officer and explains the situation. The First Officer approaches the blonde and asks her to return to her seat in the Coach section of the plane. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne, and I'm not moving from this seat."

The First Officer is shocked by the woman's refusal and returns to the cockpit where he relates the whole thing to the Captain. The Captain says, "No problem, my wife is blonde. I speak blonde. I'll go talk to her."

The First Officer watches as the Captain goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear for a few seconds. A shocked look comes over the blonde's face and she repeatedly apologizes saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't know" as she makes her way back to Coach.

Upon returning to the cockpit, the First Officer asks the Captain what he told the blonde to get her to return to her assigned seat. The Captain replies, "I told her First Class wasn't going to Melbourne."

Pretty funny, right? Well, the women on my wife's side of the family have no inclination to joke telling. I love hearing them tell a joke. So what better opportunity than at a party of Judy's after a glass of wine.

Judy's version of the joke started out in trouble. She desperately wanted to get it right and her attention to detail was her undoing. She at first forgot where the plane was going and looked to me for help. I replied that the destination could be anywhere and that it didn't matter. So she made the plane go to Bangladesh. Well enough, except that the first time the blonde starts her reply she insists that she is going to Paris.

Judy realizes her mistake and makes a course correction mid-flight as they say and seems to be on track. That is until she gets to the punchline: The Captain replies, "I told her this plane wasn't going to Paris."

Actually, it's funnier than the joke was when told right. The best part was the effort Judy put into telling the joke. She desperately wanted to tell it correctly and you could see she was trying hard. It reminded me of Albert Brooks in Finding Nemo taking the joke apart.

Also, Judy is a blonde herself. A blonde messes up a blonde joke. That's a joke in itself.

Say knock-knock, Judy.

I Shall Return

"We feel that it is in the best interest of the department that you should be transferred to Station 6 B Shift. We believe that you are ready to have a command of you own. Further we feel, after careful examination of the other candidates, you are best suited for this assignment. We will be placing a recently promoted Captain at Station 2 so that he may receive the same excellent guidance that you, yourself, have repeatedly stated that you have benefited from."

That's pretty much how the conversation went. It's one of those compliments that you don't ask for.

So for those of you that don't know it yet, I have been transferred from Station 2 in Brookhaven. My new station is Station 6 which is near Flat Shoals Road and I-20.

The change in assignment has weighed heavy on my poor brain for the last week. I have always worked on the north side of the county, and for the last two years I have enjoyed the cushion of working with a senior captain who could guide and help me when I needed it. I am unfamiliar with the territory and the south side of the department is often referred to as a separate department entirely.

The change in assignment brought to mind a scene from a movie. More about that in a second.

Saturday night, Paula and I met David, Tonya, and Brian at the Fox Sports Grill to watch Georgia play. By the end of the night David and I were talking about my new assignment and the nature of leadership. I commented that, "if asked I could not define what makes a good leader."

But as we talked more I realized that I have stored away a few moments from different movies that all relate to leadership (at least in my mind.) So here goes.

1. The scene I mentioned before that popped in my head was from Saving Private Ryan. Captain Miller (Hanks' character) is instructed to take a squad of men on a special detail and that the rest of his men will be folded into other companies. His sergeant, upon hearing this, remarks to the effect that, "they took your company away from you?" to which Captain Miller responds, "It wasn't my company. It was the Army's." It's hard for me to explain, but even though I feel a very close bond with everyone at Station 2, I still understand and agree with what Captain Miller expressed.

2. Another scene from a movie that seems to pop up into my mind consistently while at work is from the film Zulu. For those that are not familiar, Zulu is about a small British outpost of 100 soldiers in Africa that was attacked by 4,000 Zulu soldiers in the latter part of the 19th century. It is a dramatization of a true story. At the beginning, as the soldiers realize the impending battle before them and make preparations, there is a power struggle between the two senior men in the outpost. One of the officers has seniority by only a few months but uses it to take charge of the defenses. A little while later he asks the other officer for assistance enforcing his commands and the exchange goes like this:

Lieutenant John Chard: You didn't say a thing to help, Bromhead.
Lieutenant Gonville Bromhead: Well, when you take command, old boy, you're on your own. One of the first things that the general - my grandfather - ever taught me.

I've always remembered that and think of it often as a reminder to take all of the blame but pass along all of the praise.

3. The third scene comes from the movie U571. About halfway through the film, the crew of a US submarine finds themselves in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean in a German U-Boat with highly coveted code encryption machines which might win the war for the Allies. The man in charge is the Chief Executive Officer of another submarine, which was very suddenly destroyed earlier. When the remaining men begin to question his judgment he replies, "I don't know." His second in command, a salty Harvey Keitel, takes the skipper to the side and chews his officer out saying that words like those can kill a crew. He reminds the skipper that an officer is all-knowing and someone to be feared. He says, "you're the skipper now. And the skipper always knows what to do whether he does or not."

I am always cautious and would prefer to wait until I have amassed sufficient information to make a very educated decision. However, in situations like fires there isn't always time to get the facts. A course of action must be decided and acted on and you pray for the best.

4. The last thing that I will say about leadership is that as a leader you must realize that you are there to serve those under you; not the other way around. That's not from a movie (at least not one that I remember.) I just came to that realization a few months ago. It was something that I understood but hadn't said out loud before. I think that a lot of the bad leaders have this part backward and see their people as something to use.

So that's it. I didn't really have a reason to write this. It was just on my mind. Don't misunderstand me. I haven't learned all of what little I know about leadership from movies. A lot of it came from Captain Craig Guinn, to whom I owe a huge debt, which I probably will never be able to repay. I also owe the men and women of Station 2 B Shift. I love them all. And contrary to some of the officers of this department, I don't think that makes me a bad supervisor.

Touché

This morning I put on a hand-me-down shirt that says "One Georgia Center Health Club" on the front of it. At breakfast, as I'm eating my Cap'n Crunch, Ben asks the following question.

Ben: "Daddy? Does your cereal have a lot of sugar in it?"
Me: "Yeah, buddy, it does."
Ben: "Then why are you wearing a shirt that says 'Health Club?'"

The Gambler

Yes, the long rumored third installment of the "Pop-Up-Video minus the video" videos is available on YouTube now. Like the others before, it took much longer to complete than I had estimated. This time the difficulty was not in assembling the frames of video but obtaining the data. Well, watch it and you will understand.

Just click here.

Dunkin Donuts = TMBG = Accordions = Decemberists = The Who Sell Out

Well that connection is obvious isn't it?

As anyone who knows me knows (is there anyone else really reading?) my mind tends to wander. Recently I re-discovered the They Might Be Giants website after seeing a Dunkin Donuts commercial that I thought they sang the song on. I found a site with all of the commercials and mp3's of the songs but it has since been shut down by They Might Be Giants. Anyone not familiar with the band should know (for the purpose of understanding this drivel) that they use the accordian a lot, along with a smattering of other non-traditional instruments for a "rock" band. (While on their site check out the Venues videos. Being a huge fan of two of Yes' albums, my personal favorite is the first one titled "Dallas.")

Anyway I got to thinking about the accordion. I mean about learning to play one. Why not? I mean it's totally eclectic. And unlike my failed Theremin, there is no way I could build one. But I didn't really know alot about them so I went right to the Wikipedia article and started reading. Turns out there are a few different kinds and a lot of information about the instrument. Kind of discouraging.

But in the article they mention some popular bands of today that are still using accordions, one of which was The Decemberists. So I found their website and really liked the music. (If you have iTunes check out the sample of the song 16 Military Wives. It rules.)

As you can read on their website, when the Decemberists toured in support of their album Picaresque they had an additional musician with them named Petra Haden. She plays violin, sings, and comes from a musical family. She plays with a lot of other bands like Decemberists; even the Foo Fighters and Beck. But she also releases her own stuff occasionally.

Well she just released an interpretation of The Who Sell Out album. The whole thing is accapella and she has even included the advertisements between songs. Pete Townshend said of the record, ''I heard the music as if for the first time. I listened all the way through in one sitting and was struck by how beautiful a lot of the music was. Petra's approach is so tender and generous. I adore it.''

Anyway, that's often how my mind works. Good thing the internet works that way too.

Why?

Joy Behar of The View (the "jolly, fiesty, red-headed" one) has just put out a children's book about a dog. The name of the book is: Sheetzucacapoopoo: My Kind of Dog. Now if you read the book description it says the dog in the book is named "Max." Therefore, I can only assume that the title is just a "clever" way to plaster the word "sh*t" three times across the cover of a book in the Children's section of the store. Maybe you're thinking the children won't latch onto the title and repeat it endlessly because they don't know what it means? Now, that's a load of crap.

The End Of Wisteria

Recent "improvements" to Rockbridge Road have necessitated the cutting down of THE Wisteria Tree. I stress "the" because wisteria can be cultivated to grow freestanding or it grows on things, as in the picture to the right. In this instance, it had grown on a seventy foot tall pine tree and completely taken it over. It was, in my experience, the only wisteria tree of this tremendous size.

The wisteria vines at the base of the tree were easily a foot in diameter and almost complelety encircled it. And in the spring it looked like the picture at the right except seventy feet tall and about thirty wide. It really was amazing and I would find myself going out of my way to see it during the two weeks that it was in full bloom.

But Rockbridge Road needed to be widened. So the tree came down. The wisteria would eventually have killed the pine tree and consequently possibly killed itself. But I think it had a few more good years had it been left alone.

Now people will be able to drive by even faster and not notice what they didn't notice before.

My New Favorite Radio Station

You can listen to my new favorite radio station here. It will stream through your windows media player.

For those of you expatriates of the Atlanta area that may not have heard, 96ROCK is no more. To be fair I didn't listen to it and apparently nobody else did either. It was around for at least 25 years but.....

So radio stations have moved and changed a little and 105.3 FM, which used to be The Buzz is now El Patron.

The music sounds very Bavarian. Like a Latin American Bavarian Oompah Band. All of the songs feature a tuba and accordian. And there are no commercials. Oh, and it's in espanol.

Sounds like heaven right? Well I haven't even gotten to the best part. The pre-recorded announcer who says the name of the station is soooo awesome. He says, "Cien Cinco PUNTO Tres.....El Patron." There are a few different versions but the best is the one where he says it really deep and excited.

Give it a listen.

What I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew a lot, but I never really knew fear until they took you out of your mother and you were a horrible blue from lack of oxygen. I never felt so protective until I held you close. I never really knew how angry I could get until you wrote on the new iMac screen in permanent marker. I never laughed so deep until you told your first knock-knock joke. I never knew how hard it would be to get through Nemo without crying until I had you. I only thought I knew happiness until I heard you say "daddy" for the first time. I never felt as helpless as when you were so sick with fever that your hands radiated heat. I never knew the depth to which I could worry, until I began to fear you might grow up like me. I only thought I knew love until you squeezed my neck for the first time. I never felt so proud as every day for the last six years.

Thank you, son, for teaching me. Happy Birthday.

Et Tu Pfizer?

(Warning: The following may contain whining and alleged victimization.)

I've been sick for the past week. It started out with severe flu-like symptoms but the body-ache went away after 24 hours leaving me with the congestion and cough. In the past I have tried most of the decongestants with little success except for Sudafed Non-Drying Sinus. That stuff rocks! I mean, you can feel your sinuses clear within two minutes of taking the pills. Seriously.

This particular product, along with all of the other meth-making decongestants, has been kept behind the pharmacy counter for at least the past year. You have to show ID and you have to sign. You also are limited to the number of boxes that you can buy.

Today, however, I have been to four pharmacies and have been unable to locate Sudafed Non-Drying Sinus. Two of the pharmacists said that they had never heard of it to which I replied, "you have kept it behind the pharmacy counter for months. I have bought it here many times." The other two claim the product is no longer available.

The first pharmacist, one of the two that said it had been discontinued, prompted me to look on the Sudafed website. My med of choice is in the exact middle of the picture of all of the Sudafed products. If you ask the website for information about it, you get all of the pros and cons and other stuff listed on the box. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere is there anything saying that it has been discontinued. And so I went to three more pharmacies.

As a matter of fact, in the FAQ section it plainly states that even though they have intruduced a whole new line of decongestants, the old Sudafed medicines will still be available. (On their website, to answer the question why did they introduce an entirely new line of decongestants, they say, "As a responsible corporate citizen, we at Pfizer have been working in partnership with government, law enforcement and retailers to address the issue of continued consumer access to effective cold and sinus medicines. That’s why we’ve reformulated a new Pseudoephedrine-free line of decongestants called Sudafed PE™, which will be sold together with the original Sudafed line." So the old meth-making stuff is still available! That will surely stem the meth tide.)

Anyway, so I don't feel good AND I'm angry. I wrote Pfizer, the company that makes Sudafed, an e-mail asking for the location of a pharmacy in my area that sells the drug. Or they could update their frikkin' website. Their choice.

I'm done. I'm sorry that this lacked any real information. I'm sorry that it was poorly stuctured and didn't carry the reader along an "arc." I'm sorry that with this entry my blog has de-evolved into what most blogs are; a place for people to complain to a surely vast and imaginary audience.

Captioning With The Stars: The Results Show

After very little deliberation here are the results:

First Place:
Jeremy Frye with "No, I said, 'Duck, Rogers!' Like, a command. Why would I just shout out, 'Buck Rogers?!?'"

I can't really explain it. Maybe it was the well chosen wording. I don't know but I laughed over this one every time I read it. No deductions. It's perfect. Score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Houston...I have a problem.The Eagle has landed...in my pants." for it's infantile and head-on approach. He evokes the spirit of Triumph The Insult Comic.

Minus 20 points for adapting an existing quote. Plus 5 points for giving me the idea for the next caption contest. Score: 85

Third Place:
Wm. with "I'm opening your rod bay door pal." for taking one of the most memorable quotes from what is regarded by some to be the greatest science fiction movie made...and making it gay.

Minus 20 points for giving yourself third place. Score: 80

Honorable Mention:
Boom Boom Becca with "am i crazy or was it a different picture earlier today?" It didn't work at first, but the more I thought about the photo and this quote as something one of them was saying, the more funny it became. It's so far out there it's funny.

Minus 21 points. Ooooohhhh! So Close! Score: 79


Now this picture drew the most submissions so far; 38. And some of them were downright hilarious.

(Also, I remembered something that I learned when Keith and I were going to Dad's Garage regularly; the more rules you place on it, the funnier it is.)

First Place:
Helen the Greek with "You had me at hello." from Jerry Maguire. Far from the obvious. Fresh. Hilarious.

This one's a winner. Another perfect score: 100

Second Place:
Mr. Doob with "Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille." from Cool Hand Luke. This was almost first place but I felt that my love for that particular movie and the fact that I desperately want to be Paul Newman might be clouding my judgement.

Minus 1 point for making me feel conflicted. Score: 99

Third Place:
Boom Boom Becca with "Andie, hon. Listen, it's after 7:00. Don't waste good lip gloss." from Pretty in Pink. I don't know what I found more funny; the quote or the pattern of movies from which all of her submissions were culled.

Minus 5 points for applying a nighttime qoute to a picture obviously taken in the day. Score: (a very respectable) 95

Honorable Mention:
Jeremy Frye with "I first saw her at Palantine Campaign headquarters at 63rd and Broadway. She was wearing a white dress. She appeared like an angel. Out of this filthy mess, she is alone. They... cannot... touch... her." from Taxi Driver. I admired the fact that he found a quote that seemed to focus on the dress. I was looking for movie qoutes about horses and battleships.

Minus 10 points for picking Scorcese since I don't really like any of his movies. Score: 90

Awesome Photo Caption Contest

While judging of the previous contest is completed we are moving on to the next picture. The rules for this one are simple: Your caption must be a quote from a movie. (Include the name of the movie.)

No adaptions of quotes will be accepted. Also no gay jokes. They seem to keep popping up and they're just too easy.

I know what you're thinking, "Great! Movie quotes! How will the rest of us compete?!" Well, the only people who have left comments in the past have all been well studied in the art of movie speak.

About the picture - it's real. No photoshop involved. Just all woman. "What do you want me to do? Draw you a picture? Spell it out? Don't ever ask me! Long as you live, don't ever ask me more."

YouTube Comments

The host of the Polyphonic Spree Forum sent me an e-mail about how much he liked my "interpretation" of Suitcase Calling that I posted on YouTube. That made me feel pretty good. Someone else left a comment below the post that said, "you really didn't need the commentary, It would have been nicer with an interestin video to go with it." I guess some people just don't get it.

It's Photo Caption Contest Time Again

You know it's not as easy as you think. Go to Google images and search the words "hilarious," "funny," or "weird" and look at how many of the pictures involve cats. (What makes cat owners do this? It makes me think the internet may be evil after all.)

Anyway, there are no rules for this one. Just straight forward caption-making. Good luck.

Used To Be At The Bottom Of The Stairs

"Nobody is Perfect. Each one of us is a mixture of good qualities, and some, perhaps, not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow man, we should recognize his good qualities and realize that his faults only prove that he is, after all, a human being. We should refrain from making harsh judgment of a person just because he happens to be a dirty, rotten, no-good, son-of-a-bitch."

That hung framed in my grandparent's house for as long as I can remember. Over the years it moved to different walls, but it was always there. And it was always true. I was reminded of it while contemplating the demise of the aforementioned Assistant Chief.

Good News Everyone!

I just got a phone call from one of the guys at work.

You see I get called down for drug/alcohol tests all of the time. I think it has something to do with the fact that the Dicktor (that's right I said Dicktor not doctor) at the county health center falsely diagnosed me with "probable alcoholic hepatitis" (never had a drink). I called his diagnosis baseless and he said it wasn't a diagnosis because he only said probable. I fought to have it expunged from my file and lost. We had an hour long meeting which ended with a heated exchange and some choice words.

Anyway, Larry says I get called down because I'm a sure negative and that will keep the department's numbers good. Well, someone else decided to negatively affect the numbers. An Assistant Chief, whom many said would be the next director of the department, a man so consumed with image that he was called Chief Bling behind his back, apparently tried to smuggle someone else's urine into the health center. When confronted he was given the opportunity to test again and either refused or failed. He resigned under impending termination.

This man was in a position to command large scale fires and disasters, where citizens and firefighters' lives are in direct danger. The possibility of him doing so under the influence floors me. How could you live with yourself if someone else got hurt or killed? Then again, how could you live with yourself knowing that everyone knows you had someone else's urine in your pocket?

Long live drug testing.

A Cycling Sicko

I walk Ben home from school most days that I can. Actually we walk and ride. We walk with one of Ben's classmates and her mother. There is a point in the neighborhood when we part ways. We usually have not finished talking before this so we wrap it up while standing on the corner. From this point home I ride my bike and Ben rides his scooter.

Yesterday, while wrapping it up, a van pulled up and stopped. The passenger window rolled down and I said "hi" to the man in his early sixties but he didn't even acknowledge me. He spoke directly to Missy, the mother, and said, "is everything okay?" Missy and I were confused. We looked at each other. She didn't immediately respond and he said it again more insistent on getting an answer. "Is everything okay?" Missy replied, "Everything is great, why?" He replied something to the effect that she and her daughter looked like they might be in trouble.

Now, if standing on the corner talking and smiling while your children look at an ant mound looks like trouble...we're in trouble. There's a part of me that was glad this guy was willing to check on someone but what did he think I was? A pedophile or rapist whose modus operandi is to pedal up and then strike in broad daylight? And what was he going to do? I am thin compared to him and have half his years? Maybe he thought I was an infirm cycling sicko. Maybe he had a gun on the seat and was itching to squeeze one off at me.

Anyway, the whole thing pissed me off and it still does. But it also struck me as pretty funny. Not funny ha-ha. Just funny weird, I guess.

The Golden Dogs

I just heard these guys. I love this song and the video is really, really cool. Watch the video here or visit their website.

Incidentally, if something about the song sounds familiar, the keyboard is doing a little walk similar to this song.

Troy Revisited

(This was originally posted July 24, 2006.)

I'm not really in a funk but the second offering I make is along the lines of the last. It might be the saddest song ever. From the opening line, "It's the same with men, as with horses and dogs, nothing wants to die," to the last line "the well is full of pennies" this is pound for pound the most tragic, horribly sad, and moving song in my collection.

The song starts with Mr. Waits explaining to his live audience that this song is based on a newspaper article that he read. Therefore we can assume there is a story here, but his lyric is anything but a narrative. It is as though he only studied the pictures that accompanied the article and not the article itself. Gleaning every ounce of detail from them, he creates a painfully real world, the honesty of his uncomplicated words making the whole matter all the more terrible. His story more gut-wrenching for the fact that we fill in the missing pieces to the story with our own versions of tragedy, hurt, and loss.

The worst of all; the final verse. First sung from the point of view of a son watching his mother despair, and in the last lines switching to the mother's voice. She only wants her son back. And "the well is full of pennies."

The link to the song is in the right column of links on this page simply labeled: "Listen."

The Human Element

I had to post the link to this again because it was so good. I went out with friends last night and was talking about this commercial and how much I liked it.

Click here to watch.

Who Is Feeding Your Pet Snake And/Or Tarantula?

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Star Wars premiere. Click here to watch one of the funniest ten minutes ever.

I'm A Tuber

So I finally got the whole YouTube uploading thing down. Here are the two Pop-up-audios that I did previously. I understand that some people couldn't watch the movies because they don't have Quicktime. This should fix all of that.

Click here to watch the Suitcase Calling movie. (The first three seconds are messed up on YouTube but the image corrects itself.)

Click here to watch the Someone Saved My Life Tonight movie. (Once again the first few seconds are screwed up.)